open a gift

     Dear Lydia,

      Today was your birthday party.  I wish that we could have been there.  I know that you had fun because I saw your pictures.  I want to thank you for your gift to us.  You asked that instead of gifts for you, that people would send a donation to your Uncle Jarrad.  And people responded.  They didn't do that for us but for you sweetheart (and for your mommy and daddy), because they love you. You are a lucky little girl to be surrounded by so much love.

     I know you are too little to really understand everything that has happened this first year in your extended family but you do understand that cake is good and so are kisses.  Paper is more fun to play with than the actual toy it was wrapped in.  And someday, you will understand the gift you gave to us.  It means that we worry a little less and focus more on healing.  Someday, Uncle Jarrad will give you rides in his chair and everyone on wheels can race each other.  Someday, you will understand that love of Christ prompted your birthday gifts.  So thank you, Sweetheart, thank you.
     And don't worry, I know all about being a big sister and I will always listen and COMPLETELY understand when you are misunderstood!
     I love you.

      Love,
    Aunt Belinda

start renovations

     When all of this happened 5 weeks ago or so . . .  who knows when, I knew that we needed to start some renovations on the house for Jarrad to come home to.  We are fortunate to know a lot of people - maybe too many - who know how to do "stuff".  And they have offered to help.  So we are starting.
     I have 4 things on my short list to do.  The short list is just to make life "liveable" not perfect and the last thing is more of a want than a need.
     1.  ramp
     2.  redo the bathroom
     3.  couch
     4.  office
     One of the local churches have offered to build a ramp.  That will come later as it is so hot right now - read 104 in some areas today.
     The couch is for our family sanity.  I want something that has a chaise as that will probably be easier for Jarrad to transfer to and we can do "family" things - like play games and cuddle.
     The office is for my sanity.  I am fairly sure that Jarrad is going to work from home at times and with our open floor plan - he would drive me nuts!  We have been talking about a bonus room above the garage for a few years now and I think we are going to do that.  This fall.  Hopefully.  Otherwise . . . well, I will send you my asylum address.
  

     And then the bathroom.  This is important.  Today, friends came and ripped out most of the fixtures.  One guy took some real pleasure in cutting up the tub and shower.  Actually, I think that they all did to some degree.  It is fairly cleaned out now.  I know that we "only" have 3 or so months to get ready but all lot of this is gonna be done by volunteers (THANK YOU!) and it is weekend work.
     Oh, and here is what the exterior looks like:  

     I am glad it is done but . . . I think you get it.

are appreciated

     The other night, we got home and opened the cooler.  In it was our meal for the day and on top were bubbles!  The kids were so excited about the bubbles.  Emma's comment was, "Oh, Mommy!  Look somebody appreciated us!"  I barked out a laugh at her use of the word - misuse?  and replied, "Yes, Sweetie, they do appreciate us and we appreciate them."

Jarrad reading to the kids while I get dinner ready

     And I do feel "appreciated".  And I really appreciate all the food.  I have had so many people say that they wish that they could do more but do not underestimate the power of good food that one doesn't have to think about.  I pack up the food and take it to the facility and we eat together as a family.  We are trying to be as "normal" as possible and the food is a gift to me and to Jarrad and to the kids.  They may not understand now how important it is but they will later.  Thank you to all for helping to preserve something so special.
      And Jarrad loves not eating "old people" food.  Think as much fried, well cooked, bland and canned and SOFT food as can be cooked.  So the fresh salads, fruits, GOOD pasta, food cooked well and all the other treats are something he really appreciates!
     I think we make the nurses and nurses aids jealous! 
     So we are feeling appreciated.  And thank you.

      I just wish that my kids would show some "appreciating".  While they were gone, I cleaned their rooms - top to bottom.  Even moved furniture around and steam cleaned the carpets.  And then they got home  . . .









I really missed them.

trying to face reality

     Today was tough for me.  I have spent most of the day trying hard not to cry.  And am angry ?  Frustrated? annoyed? with myself.
     The therapists today at the "care meeting" (where we have a meeting with all involved with Jarrad at the facility) said that he is doing really great.  That he is meeting their goals and they hope to get him into a high backed wheel chair before he leaves to go wherever.  That is great news but I can't get over the fact that MY HUSBAND can't feel me touch him.
     Today, I placed my hand on his stomach.  I have done it before.  I have given him his sponge baths before and touched him and I liked touching him; feeling like I was doing something useful.  But he can't feel it and it is crushing me.  This is so not fair.  I am trying so hard to have faith and to understand.  Trying so hard to believe that there is a reason for this.  I truly feel that God is giving us a glimpse of why this happened because of so many things that others have said but today, today is hard. 
     I used to watch as my mom would rub my dad's back.  She would slip her hand under his t-shirt and just rub it as they watched the news.  It was so intimate and so normal and so weird in my world.  I mean, why?  And GROSS!  And then I met Jarrad and finally understood.  She did it because she enjoyed the contact as much as he did.  To touch and be touched is essential to humanity's health.  That non- sexual but intimate touch that just is important.  I read once that to maintain a healthy emotional and mental balance, one must experience 10 meaningful touches a day. 
     And my husband can't feel my touch.  I can touch his arms, his shoulders, his head, his face but rolling over in the middle of the night to wrap my arm around him, no.  We used to "hold feet"; especially  is a monkey was in the bed due to a bad dream.  Or we would do it after a fight when we really wanted to say we were sorry and that everything was ok  - It Is All Gone.
     My whole world is turned upside down and the stupid simplicity of being able to touch my husband anywhere on his body and know that we both draw comfort such touch has left me with an immense sense of loss.  
  

post randomness

     For a bit today, I forgot.  For a bit last night, I forgot.  I got to pretend that Jarrad was at work while I took the kids to story time.  Sam pulled the fire alarm there and we all had to leave.  What do you do when they are red and RIGHT at the perfect height?
     Last night, 2 friends came over and we drank some wine and laughed.  I went to bed and slept the best I have in 4 weeks.
     Today is our 8 year anniversary.  The OT/PT folks overheard Jarrad say "Happy Anniversary" to me and on their lunch break bought me (us) flowers.  I cried.
     I have a scarf that a friend gave me from the "Warrior Women" line.  I have hung it on my book case to remind me to be strong. 
     I have so many  topics that I want to write about - faith, this past Sunday's sermon, crying, anxiety, fear, hope, thankfulness, friends.  They swirl around in my head and I sometimes want to be able to just talk and have it all typed out.
     My kids are in bed.  They are nuts.  Jarrad has lost a ton of weight.  He is so pale.  He can't cut his hair (our rule) until he can sit in a regular wheel chair so he is shaggy. It is cute.
     When I was first teaching, there was an incident with one of my students.  When I finally got her to tell me what was wrong, I said to her that we had to tell an adult.  She looked at me and said, "I did."  My response was, "No, a real one."  I am 35 and still not a real adult.  A real one would know what to do.  A real one still wouldn't be waiting to wake up.   
     I have been thinking a lot about my cousin who passed a few years ago.  More specifically, his wife.  I want to tell her how sorry I am.  How horrible it must have been to go through all of that with him.  To be so confused and to have to experience the highs and lows that they went through.
      I am so grateful and so scared all at the same time.  Scared is the wrong word.  Tired.  Fuzzy.  Very fuzzy.  Perhaps that is why I feel like I am dreaming.
  

graduate preschool

      Life moves on.  I had a friend yesterday say to me, you would like to be able to pause it for a little while so you can just get something done.  Or something to that effect.  But life keeps going.  2 friends had planed trips this week and both of them said to me that they didn't want to go and leave me here (have I mentioned all the great friends I have?) but that is impossible.  The world doesn't stop just because my world hit a pot hole.  Even my world keeps going -albeit a bit more roughly.
     Last night, my Emma graduated preschool.  I remember when we decided to send her.  She looked at us one early spring and announced that she wanted to go to school.  Probably because she was tired of always being told that her friends were in "school" when she wanted a playdate.  Some were, some weren't.  So we signed her up with Butner Presbyterian PreK.  It is awesome.  We have been so happy there for the past 2 years.  She had great teachers and really loved it.  And last night, she graduated.

I'm a little graduate.

Emma with Mrs. Zink and Mrs. Johnson -her awesome teachers!

Aren't you proud of me?

I learned my numbers and my ABC's.

I made lots of friends 

and I had fun too.

Now, I'm off to the big kid school

(sung to "I'm a little Tea Pot)

     Yesterday, Jarrad moved to a subacute facility.  What that means, is that he will get more therapy than in the hospital but it will allow his body to finish healing before he goes to acute care which will teach him how to use his new body.   And when I say new, I mean that.  He has lost 23 lbs.  He has lost muscle tone.  I used to be so jealous of his legs!  They were muscular and he has great ankles.  Really, too nice to be on a man.  But you can tell, he has lost muscle tone.  He is glad to be out of the hospital and moving on and getting on with this new life.  In a way, he graduated yesterday too.

Emma talking to Daddy after graduation

     He also got to see his daughter graduate.  I may be a bit redundant with the words I use but there are only so many words on our earth and I have yet to find ones that adequately express the support and love that have rained down on us.  I asked if it would be possible to skype the graduation.  I didn't hold out much hope as the church is an old one.   The most I hoped for was a DVD (which I got).  The teachers had already been investigating it.  They didn't skype it (as we all know that sometimes has its own issues) but were able to stream it so Jarrad could watch.  That was the only time I cried.
     When I juxtapose what should have been with what is, I start to cry.  So I try not to.  I am learning to let tomorrow take care of itself and try to focus on today.  Partly because I know the world is going to keep on turning and partly because today leaves me too tired to do much else.  Matthew 6:28  says . . . Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin . . . The primary lesson of this verse is to not worry because God will take care of us.  But I think that there is a second lesson here too.  To "consider" means to pay attention to or think carefully about.  That takes time.  And I need to take time.  Time to be with my kids or be with Jarrad.  Worry, that takes too much time.  And I don't have time for it.

fall and rise and . . .

     It is so hard to not ask for more.  I have been so blessed even before this incident happened.  I have 2 beautiful children.  A loving extended family, really good friends and a fantastic husband.  I was having a charmed life and then all of this happened.
     Even in this, we are blessed.  God was good and everything worked out so that Jarrad still has use of his upper body.  Jarrad didn't have any complications.  When I was worrying about finances, we got some breathing room.  Jarrad seemed to be doing so much better.  I felt like we had a plan.
     Then the plan is yanked out from under us.  We can't go to rehab because of the fracture on his wrist.  Really?  You are telling  me that all folks with spinal cord injuries ONLY have a spinal cord injury and NO OTHER BROKEN BODY PARTS???
     So, until his arm heals in another 8 weeks - he can't put weight on it till then - he can't go to acute rehab but can go to subacute rehab.  THEN, he can go to acute rehab and learn how to do all these things that we take for granted - like moving from your bed to a chair.
     Ok, I get it.  But it seems like a backwards step and was really discouraging. 
    And then comes my army of friends.  (YEAH!!)  See the problem is, the acute rehab facility doesn't know Jarrad like we do.  They don't even know him like the therapists at Duke do.  When one of the therapists heard, her comment was, "Do they know he can use his elbow?"  So we are going to try another facility.  Is it one of the best in the country?  It doesn't have that label but they seem more willing to take Jarrad now and we think that is what is best for us.
     He doesn't want to go back.  He wants to come home.  He wants to get back to work.  He wants to compete in the Paralympics!!!
     I don't know where we are going or when or what the future holds.  But I do know that we loved, we are supported.  We don't just have family but we have a community of friends.  I don't think that any of them are going anywhere.