when you go down a hill, you will eventually go up...

     My last post expressed frustration with THE SYSTEM.  Jarrad was frustrated.  I was frustrated.  I am sure his counselor is frustrated too.  It is a frustration party!  Not fun. Don't come.  There are no favors or balloons.  And definitely no cake. 
    I hope you laughed at that.  If you didn't, then I hope what I am about to reveal puts a smile on your face.  See, in the midst of frustration and well, anger, Jarrad decided to seek counsel and prayer from one of the pastors at our church.  He called up and said just that - we need prayer.  We need it to soothe our souls.  The pastor prayed and listened.  It was nice and Jarrad felt better afterwards which made me feel better and we resolved that our faith should not be in THE SYSTEM but in our God.
    And then the next day, the pastor called back with a plan.  The church would pay a member who was out of work to take Jarrad to work.  It was a win- win for the church as it would help 2 of its members!  We were flabbergasted.  We only wanted prayer and a reminder in whom we were to put our faith, we told the pastor.  He understood that, he said, but we had a need and this was a solution.
    The church doesn't have to do this for us.  But they are anyway.  Just when I thought we had no options (and let me tell you, these past 2 weeks of taking Jarrad to work or him working from home has not been fun!), this act of kindness came along to to restore, no, to build upon my faith. 
    I don't even know what to say.  Thank you seems so small in comparison to how big a burden has been lifted. 

Ahmazing!

    Remember this?   That turned into this?  

 

     Well, it now looks like this.

     In the space of 2 hours and 7 adults, 2 wheelbarrows and a dozen assorted shovels and rakes, I now have the dirt where it should be.  Actually, I had more than enough dirt for what I needed and we spread it out, well, just about everywhere.
     THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU to everyone who helped!  You are all

AH . . . 

(wait for it)

 MAZING! 

friends and neighbors

    Last year, we needed a ramp.  The Baptist Church has a group called The Baptist Men that will build ramps for those who need it.  I am not quite sure how they found out about us but I have a suspicion that they found out through many sources.  So we had a ramp built and now Jarrad can get into the house.  As far as ramps go, it is quite beautiful.  When you have a ramp, you start to see them everywhere so I feel like I can say it is very pretty with some confidence.  But we needed a way to get to the ramp since it was at the back of the house and going across uneven grass/dirt in a wheel chair is not easy or fun.
    Again, yeah for having friends!  A friend got us a deal on a concrete sidewalk that goes around the house to said ramp.  Again, looks very nice.  But the friend told us that we should probably get some dirt to make sure the sidewalk STAYS nice ie doesn't crack, as it is on a slope.  At the time, I was still in survival mode and pushed that chore off till spring.
    Guess what - it is spring.  Well, ok, not yet but it is time to start thinking of planting grass seed.  So we ordered dirt and hey, we need mulch so we ordered that too.  Me, I thought that they could just dump it on the grass.  Dirt on the side of the driveway where the majority of it needed to go and the mulch on the other side of the drive way.  Drive way is then clear and I would move both piles around at my leisure.

    I am so smart that way! 

    "Ma'am, If I try to dump this there, I will probably crack your driveway."

     I am so dumb!

      Great.  So now, 2 big piles sit on my driveway.  And it is going to rain this week. Double great.   Time to get to work.  I borrow a wheelbarrow from a friend and get started on clearing the dirt.  The kids are thrilled and are "helping".  I know I should take the time to let them "help" but really, somethings are just faster when I do it. Fun for them sometimes equals frustration for Mommy.  
    I get up the next morning and start to work on the piles some more.  I am at it for a couple of hours when a friend walks by with her neighbor.  They head home and come back with shovels to help.  Another neighbor sees my good friend walking with shovels and sends her son to come and help. IN THE RAIN!  They decided that I needed a path to the front door and worked until there was a big one. I am so very grateful that they refused to take no for an answer. 
    I am so grateful for the help.  I am sure that the 20 something young man did not want to be out in the spitting rain helping a lady he didn't know but he cheerfully did it because his mom told him to.  And I didn't know my friend's neighbor but she pitched in anyway and when I tried to tell them it was "good enough", insisted on the path being wide enough so we could access the front door. It would have taken me a week to get this much done.  I still have a lot to do (obviously) but it is not so urgent at this point.  And I am SOOO glad that I had the help. 
    Really, I tried to get them to leave 3 times but they stayed.  I guess I feel that we are out of crisis mode and I need to do things by myself.  I kind of feel that everyone has their own homes and families so I shouldn't "bother" them if we need help.
     I think that I am wrong (yes, I said I was wrong - stop partying!).   If one of my friends needs help, I give it so why am I not allowing them the same option?  I need to get over myself.
    SO:  Today's lesson, boys and girls, is this: if you are willing to help your friends, then give them the same option to help you.  And if you have a real friendship, saying no is ok because we all know about families and "stuff" and understand what that means.
    There will be a test on Tuesday.

discuss friendship

     Yesterday, I picked up Jarrad's best friend from high school - do guys have best friends? Anyway, it is his oldest buddy.  He says he has know J for 25 years.  Ha!  I have him beat - I have known one of mine for over 30!  Anyway, it is great to have J here for Jarrad (and me).  Jarrad had hit a funk.  We didn't feel like we were making progress.  And Jarrad had stopped looking at me.  We talked and it was because he said he was feeling ashamed.  I guess it was about time.  I had been waiting for the positive attitude to ebb and for some depression to happen.
     One - of the many - things I love about my husband is how we talk to each other.  It is so cliche' (but hey, cliche's are cliche' for a reason) to say it but he really gets me.  He is my best friend

Jarrad - in high school with "The Group"

     When I was a child, I used to pray for a best friend.  The school I went to was small and I always felt I was a "floater" friend - you know, the friend that new kids are friends with until they meet others.  No one was ever mean about it but that I always felt that it was because I had known everyone since kindergarten and was like an annoying little sister that you HAD to take along.  I accepted it but it did take a toll in high school where I think I had a chip on my shoulder in regards to it.  I say all this but need to point out that I have one friend that I have known since kindergarten.  She is my oldest friend (the one I have knows for 30 years) but I would say that we grew really close after we graduated from high school
     With that one exception, I have always felt a bit like a loner.  In college, I had friends but no one I was really close to.  The consequence of staying at home, I guess.  My jr. or sr. year of college, I met T at a friend's party.  At first, I did not like her because I thought she was there as the date of a guy I liked.  And then I started to talk to her.  She is the type of person that is just nice.  When you meet her, you like her and she doesn't say anything negative about anyone and if she does, well, it is beyond warranted. Anyway, I liked her despite my (supposed) jealousy.  Come to find out - she wasn't there for him at all!
     After I graduated, I got a job as a long term sub in a high school.  There I met B and A.  Here are 2 of the smartest women I have ever met. From them, I learned the confidence to try new things.  It was what probably helped me to take a job in the south - 6 hours away from everything I knew.
     I moved and met my best friend - Jarrad - (everyone say "Ahhh") but had no close friends like I experienced with these 4 women.  I had heard once that if one can count on one hand friends, then that person holds wealth.  The implication being that as adults, friendship as adults is rare and to be treasured.  I missed my friends and wished that I was closer to them.  I never expected to have friends as an adult.  I had Jarrad and wasn't that the way it should be?  Just you and your mate?

So - I need to take a picture of my friends

      And then, then I had children.  One of my brothers asked me how I met my newest group of friends.  It is because I met them through my kids.  Emma has a best friend that she has known since she was 6 months old.  And this little girl has some awesome parents - proud to say her mom is one of my dearest friends.  When I had Sam, I prayed for a friend for him and was blessed to gain one for myself.  I may reconsider his friendship (those 2 boys get in TROUBLE!).  I am surrounded by wonderful women (and a few good men).  
     Folks keep saying - take care of yourself.  I am - I go over to a friends house and sit at her table while she makes dinner for me to take to Jarrad.  I have a glass of wine and a cackle fest with another couple of friends.  I got to water aerobics and get "just thinking about you messages."  I am surrounded  support and love.  They bring me strength and hope.  They remind me that what has happened has happened to all of us. 
     I am not alone.  Jarrad is not alone.   I don't know how anyone makes it in this world without friendship.  If you read this, please, go out there and develop some relationships.  These men and women, I could not do this without them.
     (oh, and for those of you who have a blood obligation to me - yeah, I mean you too!)

open a gift

     Dear Lydia,

      Today was your birthday party.  I wish that we could have been there.  I know that you had fun because I saw your pictures.  I want to thank you for your gift to us.  You asked that instead of gifts for you, that people would send a donation to your Uncle Jarrad.  And people responded.  They didn't do that for us but for you sweetheart (and for your mommy and daddy), because they love you. You are a lucky little girl to be surrounded by so much love.

     I know you are too little to really understand everything that has happened this first year in your extended family but you do understand that cake is good and so are kisses.  Paper is more fun to play with than the actual toy it was wrapped in.  And someday, you will understand the gift you gave to us.  It means that we worry a little less and focus more on healing.  Someday, Uncle Jarrad will give you rides in his chair and everyone on wheels can race each other.  Someday, you will understand that love of Christ prompted your birthday gifts.  So thank you, Sweetheart, thank you.
     And don't worry, I know all about being a big sister and I will always listen and COMPLETELY understand when you are misunderstood!
     I love you.

      Love,
    Aunt Belinda

are appreciated

     The other night, we got home and opened the cooler.  In it was our meal for the day and on top were bubbles!  The kids were so excited about the bubbles.  Emma's comment was, "Oh, Mommy!  Look somebody appreciated us!"  I barked out a laugh at her use of the word - misuse?  and replied, "Yes, Sweetie, they do appreciate us and we appreciate them."

Jarrad reading to the kids while I get dinner ready

     And I do feel "appreciated".  And I really appreciate all the food.  I have had so many people say that they wish that they could do more but do not underestimate the power of good food that one doesn't have to think about.  I pack up the food and take it to the facility and we eat together as a family.  We are trying to be as "normal" as possible and the food is a gift to me and to Jarrad and to the kids.  They may not understand now how important it is but they will later.  Thank you to all for helping to preserve something so special.
      And Jarrad loves not eating "old people" food.  Think as much fried, well cooked, bland and canned and SOFT food as can be cooked.  So the fresh salads, fruits, GOOD pasta, food cooked well and all the other treats are something he really appreciates!
     I think we make the nurses and nurses aids jealous! 
     So we are feeling appreciated.  And thank you.

      I just wish that my kids would show some "appreciating".  While they were gone, I cleaned their rooms - top to bottom.  Even moved furniture around and steam cleaned the carpets.  And then they got home  . . .









I really missed them.

post randomness

     For a bit today, I forgot.  For a bit last night, I forgot.  I got to pretend that Jarrad was at work while I took the kids to story time.  Sam pulled the fire alarm there and we all had to leave.  What do you do when they are red and RIGHT at the perfect height?
     Last night, 2 friends came over and we drank some wine and laughed.  I went to bed and slept the best I have in 4 weeks.
     Today is our 8 year anniversary.  The OT/PT folks overheard Jarrad say "Happy Anniversary" to me and on their lunch break bought me (us) flowers.  I cried.
     I have a scarf that a friend gave me from the "Warrior Women" line.  I have hung it on my book case to remind me to be strong. 
     I have so many  topics that I want to write about - faith, this past Sunday's sermon, crying, anxiety, fear, hope, thankfulness, friends.  They swirl around in my head and I sometimes want to be able to just talk and have it all typed out.
     My kids are in bed.  They are nuts.  Jarrad has lost a ton of weight.  He is so pale.  He can't cut his hair (our rule) until he can sit in a regular wheel chair so he is shaggy. It is cute.
     When I was first teaching, there was an incident with one of my students.  When I finally got her to tell me what was wrong, I said to her that we had to tell an adult.  She looked at me and said, "I did."  My response was, "No, a real one."  I am 35 and still not a real adult.  A real one would know what to do.  A real one still wouldn't be waiting to wake up.   
     I have been thinking a lot about my cousin who passed a few years ago.  More specifically, his wife.  I want to tell her how sorry I am.  How horrible it must have been to go through all of that with him.  To be so confused and to have to experience the highs and lows that they went through.
      I am so grateful and so scared all at the same time.  Scared is the wrong word.  Tired.  Fuzzy.  Very fuzzy.  Perhaps that is why I feel like I am dreaming.