Finally . . .

    Tick tock  . . . tick tock.
    May 19th is creeping closer and closer.  I really thought I would be more of a basket case.  But I am doing ok.  Tuesday was bad.  Crazy panic attacks over random weird stuff - like forgetting to put a note in Emma's backpack about getting dropped off at a friend's house after school.  I sat in the parking lot of the grocery store and panicked.  Silly, because I could just drop off a note at the school - I probably could have even called.  Probably triggered by the fact that Voc Rehab funds have run out and we have to pay out of pocket for transportation.  After I got through Tuesday, however, things got eerily calm.  I wonder if it is the eye of the storm.  I hope not; I don't like my crazy self. 
    I hope that I will be ok.  I think so. It helps to have examples.  People who know on an intimate level what you are going through.  In our case, other paraplegics. 
    We went to a hand cycle clinic we on Friday.  We went to one in the fall but I think we still had that spooked rabbit aura about us so we didn't get anything from it.  Jarrad didn't even try to ride the bike.  So when he wanted to go to another one, I was ambivalent.  It's not like we made any connections at the first one.
    But, when you are married, sometimes you do things just because you love the other person. 
    And I am glad I went.
    There were a lot more people there and the lead therapist said that there were a lot of new faces so she had everyone introduce themselves.  Of course, half way through the maintenance truck pulls up to empty the trash.  That's ok; I really didn't care to know the names of the OT or PT  students. 
    Everyone else just seemed so much more friendly or maybe I was just less scared.  All about perspective, right?  We met folks.  Talked with folks about chairs and this and that - like if it got easier after the first year.   
   And Jarrad was the first to try the bike.

 

    Who knows how I will feel next week. For right now, I am proud of my husband and I feel ok. 

2nd Meeting

    Today, I went to an SCI Caregivers Support Group Meeting.  Have I mentioned that I hate the term "caregiver"? But what else do you call it? 
    Anyway, I went.  Not sure if I get much out of it personally but at least I can be there and maybe I will get something.  The first meeting I went to, I did learn some valuable information.
1.  I was still in crisis mode.  This is indicated by the fact that I lived from day to day and did not plan any further than that.  This is the end of crisis mode and the beginning of survival mode. 
2.  I need to let go and stop doing everything - this moves you out of survival mode to thriving mode (my term). 
3.  Letting him take control of his life means that I get to move back into a wife role instead of a nurse role. 
4.  I  need to take time for myself.  This resulted in my taking a cat nap after lunch on an almost daily basis and not feeling guilty about it. 
5.  Found out a tip that I will not disclose as it might gross some folks out. 
    This meeting I was able to express my anxiety about our 1 year anniversary in 17 days.  I am stressed so PLEASE keep your drama to yourself for the next - oh, let's say the rest of the month.  There were 2 women there who were really in crisis mode.  One was a woman from China - I don't know if she was over here because her son was in an accident or if she lived here now but her son was only 4 weeks from his accident.  Can you imagine?  Her English wasn't very good.  She kept saying that she just wanted to be able to help her son as tears streamed down her face. 
     Another woman's husband and fallen in August - the day we got home and was now a quadriplegic.  She had this hyper-ness about her that seemed to indicate a lack of sleep.  She was overwhelmed and trying so hard not to be.  I wonder if I looked like that? 
    After listening to these 2 women, I feel like I whine.  Jarrad goes to work.  He gets himself dressed 90% of the time.  He transfers himself.  He takes care of his body.  He feeds himself.  Heck - he can turn on the TV AND change the channels by himself. 
    What have I to fret about? 
    My life is easy.