just can't seem to get started . . .

   I have started 5 (5!) posts and haven't finished one of them!  I just can't seem to get started.  So here is a brief run down of our week.  Perhaps this will kick me into geer.

     Monday- kids are home from school.  Fed a neighbor's chickens and got to keep the eggs.  Gave half away and still ended up with 18!  A couple from church stopped by with a rotisserie chicken just because they wanted to.  Isn't that nice?
     Tuesday - Lots of cooking.  Fed the chickens and got more eggs.  I had a "moment" because I am crazy and want everything to be just right.  Jarrad stepped, well, rolled in and made cookies with the kids so I could get stuff done.   I need to find a way to relax so I don't freak out at times like this.  Maybe it is poor planning or stress - who knows!  I will figure it out later.  At least we had dinner for that night! Later, we went and looked at Christmas tree lights.  This was the first time Jarrad had been out of the house since he got home.  Usually, we go to Christmas Eve service and eat at a Mexican restaurant with friends but their kid was sick and we were still being careful of Jarrad.  However, the tradition will resume next year! 
    Wednesday - Ahh, Christmas Day.  We started in bed - opened a few gifts and then the kids wanted to play with what they got until after breakfast.  No, really it was their choice.  I know, weird.  Had breakfast and opened stockings.  Finally convinced Jarrad that the breakfast casserole he always had as a kid for Christmas day was no longer going to be made.  The only one who likes it is Jarrad.  I feel bad but after having it for 9 years, I think I can say that I really tried.  I think that kids have also had enough "no thank you" bites to say that they have tried.  New tradition next year.  We then opened more gifts - all great - thank you everyone!  And then, took a nap!  My favorite gift on Christmas day is that there are so many new toys that I can take a good nap.  Friends came over for dinner and we all had a good time talking and playing Star Wars Operation.

       Thursday - Jarrad's follow up appointment - dun dun duh!!!  Everything looks good.  Finally!  I feel like with this doctor there is always the other hand.  He will see us in 4 weeks for x rays.  We will probably wait until next November to do the other hip.  We need to wait a year just in case we need short term disability again.  Jarrad and I talked and we both need time to recover.  We also discussed that while we were as prepared as we could be - research, talking with others; we are going to be even more prepared this next time so that *hopefully* we won't have the complications that we did this time.
    Friday - Did a little shopping.  Found an organizer for my side of the sink - whee!  It is the little things that can make a girl happy.  CLEANED UP ALL CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS!  Yep, all put away!  Go me - go me!  I like to start the new year that way.  Had friends over for pizza - tried a new place - mah.  It was ok.  But the company was great!
   And now it is Saturday - a whole day of potential!   

Dear Santa

    I remember when my kids were littler, Santa scared them.  Oh, from a distance, they would be fine.  But when you got up close, it was a different story.  For awhile, they would only talk to Mrs. Claus.  Good friends have a costume set and would go around the neighborhood as one or the other.  Mrs. Claus would come to a playdate and read us a story and give out little bells.  Santa would come later.  I think that I only got this picture because Mrs. Claus was there.
    Emma seemed to be scared till about 5.  Sam, he got over his fright last year.  But their fear never stopped them from asking for presents.  Emma wrote her letter this year and Sam dictated his to me.  I thought that I would share. 
       Emma wrote that she is a good big sister (she really is) and good BFF (she and her BFF wrote the letters together) and helped decorate the house for Christmas (the kid practically knocked me down to get to the decorations).  She said that she wants Skylanders (sorry kid! Will Disney Infinity do?) Aladin (ahhh!  Not released!) and a Switch and Go Dino (so she can play with Sam).
    Sam wrote that he has been both good and bad (at least he is honest) and that he cleans his room and makes his bed (under severe duress) and that he doesn't always listen to Mommy (true - I think it might be a gender thing) and he would like a Switch and Go Dino, a scooter, a dragon, a new Big Boots and a Helicopter Switch and Go Dino.
    He is getting the Dino . . .
    Their letters make me laugh.  I take them to Target and let them make a list that I turn around and send to relatives.   They don't have to buy from Target but it gives them an idea of what the kids are into (and sizes).  And the kids get to know that they don't get everything that they put on the list.
      Do you ever want to make a list for Santa?  A long, impossible list?  Did you see you seen the airline that gave its passengers presents?  It is pretty cool. The kids all ask for things with an assurance that they will  get it.  The adults ask for things and laugh and roll their eyes because there is a bittersweet fun in the asking.  As the video progresses, the real fun was in watching the adults.  For them, for a moment, it was like being a kid again.
    I wonder what the airline would have made of my list?
     Dear Santa, 
    I think I have been pretty good this year.  I have tried to control my temper - not always very successful, I admit.  But I think my patience has improved.  So Santa, if I could have anything in the world, I would love it if Jarrad could walk again or least not be in any pain.  I know that is probably beyond your ken, so instead, I would ask for an accessible house and a van.  I would ask for a time/space warp machine similar to what you use on Christmas night so that I could go visit my folks and friends in the blink of an eye.  A winning lottery ticket would be nice too.  
   So Santa, if you think you could see your way clear to any of these things, that would be great. 
Sincerely, 
Belinda
Age 37
   There is something in the asking.  I know that we will have the house someday - we have a plan! And hopefully, the van will happen in the next couple of months - it would be awesome if it came on Christmas!  I would actually have to buy a lottery ticket for that to work and who knows what breakthroughs science will come up with?  

Jarrad is home (again)

   This adventure has lasted 30 days.  I can't believe how long it has gone on.  And it isn't even over yet.  We go back to see the surgeon on the 26th.  This means that we will probably have the wound vac till then.  At least it is just the size of a small purse. . .
    I am tired.  Jarrad is tired.  The only ones who aren't are the kids.  Of course!
    I wish that I could say that this is it for us but we have to do the other hip in the spring.  Jarrad is sitting up straighter and looks so much better.  He says he isn't in as much pain and if his face and eyes are anything to go by, I believe him.  I think that we will be more cautious next time.  We will plan more for things to go wrong as opposed to going perfectly.  We will also know more.  I think that we may insist on a transfusion next time.  And really force the issue of home health visits.  
    As for Jarrad, physically, he has a huge hole in his thigh.  It is about 1/4 inch deep and as round as a quarter.  The wound vac is supposed to keep it dry by sucking any seeping blood out.  Somehow, the vacuum also speeds up healing.  We just have to make sure he gets lots of protein.  Then we have to make sure we massage the area to reduce scar tissue.  He also needs to get a lot of iron.  When we left, his HGB (hemoglobin) was at 9.  He did lose some blood when he was in surgery.  Still, 9 was higher than we left with the first time we came home.  Emotionally, he is just glad to be home.  He knew he needed to go and he knew he needed to stay but he was ready to leave on Saturday.  Mentally, he is ok.  He is on short term disability for the rest of the year and he plans on working hard with OT and PT to recover his lost strength from being in the hospital.  Did you know that for every day you spend in bed, it takes 2 to recover?
   The kids have their programs this week so he needs to save some strength for attending those.  They should be a lot of fun! 

Update # 4,598

    Blah -  I hate this. All of it.  I have been putting off writing this because my brain hurts when I think about it - I don't understand all of the information that I am told.  And sometimes, I feel like Jarrad and I are hearing 2 different things because I am not always there when the doctors/nurses come in.  I also hate the fact that I am relieved that Jarrad has round the clock care that isn't my bumbling self.  I hate the fact that he isn't home and is stuck in a hospital that is far away.  I hate that the house is a wreck and that I can only sleep when I am exhausted.  I hate that is December and he isn't here to enjoy my determination to do everything right!
    I will try to convey what I know and understand so far.  On Wednesday, it was decided that they were going to debreed the incision - that means clean it out surgically.  The doctor thought that the bone was creating a bowl and that the blood was pooling in it - like a stagnate pond.  Oh - and did you know that blood separates like milk?  Maybe I did a long time ago . . . anyway, the stuff leaking out was the plasma part and the rest was settling into the "bowl" and becoming a breeding ground for bacteria. When we went home the first time, the doctor told me to lift Jarrad's leg to 90 degrees when he laid down to push the blood out.  Ok.  The first time I did it, blood went squirting out everywhere!  Yeah.  It was gross.  I don't know why I thought it would stay inside . . . but then it started seeing out on it's own and bleeding through the bandages . . .  that is when we went to the GP and consequently to the ER.
    Back to Wednesday, December 4th,  Jarrad went into surgery around 3 pm.  Fortunately, there wasn't much of a bowl and the infection had just started.  They were able to clean it out.  Unfortunately, in the original surgery on the 20th, some of the bone on the top of the femur broke off.  I am not sure what or how but it is probably because Jarrad has osteoporosis. I am not sure how bad that fact is...
    The incision looks good so far.  They hit Jarrad with a broad spectrum antibiotic because they aren't sure what the bacteria is.  Jarrad is hooked up to a wound vac which sucks the blood out so it won't pool like it did before.  It will even come home with us for hopefully just 2 weeks.  Home Health is going to come out and change it and check it (like we wanted them to the first time. . . )
    Jarrad looks pink and not gray.  He is ready to come home.  I am ready for him to come home and I feel like I will be a better person because I know that someone who knows what they are doing will be coming in to check on him. 

Hospitals and I have a love hate relationship

    Jarrad is in back in the hospital.  Ok - He got home on Friday - the 22nd.  His hemoglobin level was 6.7 and he felt good.  Saturday, he got up for a couple of hours. Sunday, got up.  Said that other than feeling light headed - a result of anemia - he felt fine.  The pain was down - score!!! 
   Monday, good, up. Tuesday good.  Wed. good, up.  Then that night, we noticed that his incision was leaking more than it had been.  So we covered it and then had to change it and change it again.  He spent all of Thanksgiving in bed.  On Friday, he went to his GP.  She said to pack it and apply pressure.    We did.  Didn't stop.  Got up on Saturday only to use the restroom.  Pulled some staples out.  We redressed it and applied pressure.  We thought that maybe the staples being pulled resulted in more blood.  We changed the dressing every 3 hours.  The blood started to smell fishy and the skin was looking gray. 
   Today, he called the surgeon. 
   Once again, our fabulous, amazing, Angels on Earth came to the rescue.  Big C took Jarrad to the hospital (hope you got some studying done. . . ) while Middle C and Little C came to keep us company. 
    Oh, and today, was my birthday.  Yeah.  37. 
   Anyway, my wonderful husband said, "Take the crew and go see Frozen."  Well, he texted. (Great movie - by the way.)  Because he knows me.  He knows that I need to be distracted.  He knows that I will feel guilty.  Because even though we have these amazing friends who I would trust with my children in case of a zombie apocalypse, I feel guilty asking for more than a couple of hours to watch my kids.  And I know that they don't mind but it doesn't stop the guilt.  AND I feel guilty for not going with him to the hospital. 
   Yeah - guilt! 
    This is the hard part - because I could have just taken the kids to the hospital too.  But see, for 9 weeks they went to the hospital or skilled nursing facility EVERY DAY.  They had a week off when they went to Grammy and Grandpa's and they had a day here and there but they went and crammed their 3 and 5 year old selves into a roughly 10 by 10 square foot room for 2- 3 hours every time.  I don't want to do it to me again.  I don't want to do that to Jarrad again. And I definitely don't want to do that to the kids again. They were so afraid to even touch him because they might hurt him. . . I just don't want them to have to do that ever again. 
    And I know I will have to.  But if we - Jarrad and I - can prevent it, we will.  It is part of being a parent.  It means that I have to let him go and he has to go sometimes by himself.   A hospital means that something is wrong. It means long hours of sitting in bed and being checked and monitored and uncomfortable beds.
    UGH.  I hate hospitals.
    But I also love them - because his hemoglobin level was at a 4 when they admitted him.  He is going to get a transfusion and they are going to give him antibiotics and get him healthy to come home.  A hospital saved his life.  I don't go there too often but sometimes, I do - just a little bit before I stop.  Our therapist at rehab said that we should play the sound of a video rewinding whenever we "go somewhere".  I think of that noise and stop.  She so had her finger on my pulse...  so, I do love hospitals too. 
   I just wish we didn't have to use them as often as we do.
   Oh, and my birthday presents?  Thank you, thank you all for being amazing and fabulous people.  You are the best presents EVER!