My emotions have been on a roller coaster for the past 3 weeks. I met my folks at IKEA for a hand off of children. They were taking the kids for another fun filled week! Doing things with my kids that I should be doing.
Emotional roller coaster #1. I am very glad that my kids have people in their lives that can take them so that they can have these experiences. But it is hard because these are things that Jarrad and I had always talked about doing. Ok, so we aren't big on camping and amusement parks but we did talk about doing these things ONCE just for the experience! And sure, there are things that we can still do but . . . Honestly, unless you are in this life, you won't understand and for me to explain it would be a enough for a couple of posts. It may seem like a cop out to say that but I refer you to my statement that unless you are in this life, you won't get it. You just won't. And I love you and I hope you never do.
So.
I had been looking forward to walking around the store and seeing all the neat things. But IKEA on a Saturday is CRAAAZY! And then I watched all of these couples and young families...Wow. Just a sucker punch of what should have been.
Emotional roller coaster #2. So I pulled a deep breath in and tried to move on - because that is what you have to do. Not should but have to do; to go into the past is a pathway to crazy town.
So I went to another version of crazy town and went far into the future! See, another lady in my support group lost her husband. Every 3 months or so, one of the wives or girlfriends will post that they are leaving the group because their loved one has died.
Jarrad hates it because I tend to get a little crazy. I get on him to update our "in the event of something bad happening" folder. But this time, I was more introspective. I contemplated my impending widowhood.
When you get married, you know in the back of your head the whole death till you part vow. But no one thinks about what it really means. At your wedding, it is romantic and sweet - you will be together for the rest of your life! Awww. You just don't think about that there will be death; as in, one of you will probably die before the other. If you do think about death, you picture Nicholas Sparks' The Notebook. At least, that is what we did. But when trauma happens, that idea of parting at death becomes less romantic and more real. The reality is that I will be a widow.
This roller coaster has no silver lining of gratefulness.
Which brings us to emotional roller coaster #3.
On Monday, Jarrad was admitted to the hospital for kidney failure.
He had been feeling off all weekend. I went to meet my folks to pick up the kids after their fun filled week. Monday came and he seemed fine if tired. I went to work. Usually, we touch base with each other during the day via text. He told me that the wheel chair guy was there and then sent me a weird text. So I texted back with "huh?"
Silence.
Sometimes, he is on a conference call and it takes a while for him to reply but after an hour and no response, I called. I called several times. Finally, I called a neighbor. She came over, woke him up and Jarrad called the doctor. They told him that he needed to be admitted.
Sidenote: The wheelchair guy left a note that said, "Mr. W, I couldn't wake you up. Please sign and send in these papers acknowledging receipt of parts."
WHO DOES THAT?
Fortunately, he was "by definition" in kidney failure. His creatinine levels were at 2.0. High normal is 1.3. Jarrad's levels prior to his taking the vancomycin were 0.7. He was taken off the vanco and flushed with saline.
And his levels dropped and he came home.
Even after you get off a roller coaster, you still have the elevated heart rate, the fight or flight response brought on by fear, and the the whiplash from all the ups and downs. It takes a while for all of those things to settle. And the more loops a roller coaster has, the longer it takes.
I hate roller coasters.
