You want to know what I am most thankful for? That it is over. I tried. I really tried. I tried to be thankful for "in the moment things". I made a turkey - and tried to be thankful that the butcher was kind enough to give me a Butterball at the generic price all because I asked him about thawing the generic one. I made stuffing and tried to be thankful that Jarrad introduced me to it because it is AWESOME! I tried to be thankful that the kids had fun tearing up the bread for it. I made gravy and tried to be thankful that it was the best gravy I ever made and that I am the only one in my little family that likes it so it is all mine!
I tried to be thankful for people. I tried to be thankful for my family - I have beautiful children. I have awesome parents and siblings. I have some pretty adorable nieces and nephews. I tried to be thankful for friends - had a girl's night out last night - salted caramel martini's and laughter with some pretty awesome women. I tried to be thankful for my community - long distance friends, church.
I tried to be thankful for things - a house, car, food.
And then I looked at Jarrad and try as I might, my thankfulness disappears like the frost did this morning because all I can do is worry.
Today, he spent the day in bed. His incision is oozing blood and his pressure sore has some broken skin - just a top layer as if you had skinned your knuckles. Bad, And I thought it was getting better... He is shivering sometimes and his hip just looks nasty. I don't know what I am doing wrong; I don't even know if what I am doing is right. I don't know what to do. It makes me cry and snappish.
I am just thankful that today is over and tomorrow, I can take him to a doctor and maybe they can give us some direction. My worry is overwhelming me and I don't like the person that I am right now. So I guess it is a good thing that I binge eat when I am stressed because I have finally found something I can truly be thankful for - the left overs.
Dear Melinda,
ReplyDeleteYou have an amazing sense of humor thorough it all. You are just reacting as anyone would with the fear and uncertainty. You are such a good person and a good mom. We all are human and can't be perfect all the time. My prayers go out to you and your whole family. Give Jarrad a hug for me.
Our Thanksgiving went down as the worse in our history. To make a long story short, Ray was sick with the flu so we did not go to his parent as we normally do. I took the boys out with my mom who has Dementia. When I took my mom back to the assisted living place, I left the boys in the car together while I took her up to her floor. I was only gone for 5 minutes and when I got back to the car all HELL had broken loose. I tried to calm Josh down but he was out of his mind and banged his head against the car door window until it shattered. EMT & cops arrived. Luckily he was not majorly physically hurt but for minor scratches on his face & hands. We took him to WAKE Med to see if he had a concussion. He did not but after docs and a behavioral consult talked to him and heard that he had a plan to kill his brother, they did a involuntary commitment. So he is in a psych unit for adolescents and just wanting to come home. Welcome to my crazy autism world!
Oh Karen! My mouth is hanging open and I am shaking my head. We should have a makeup Thanksgiving. And a screaming frustration party. I am so sorry that that happened.
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