Quiet

    I am sitting on a couch that I bought 12 years ago in the soft light that comes from a chilly, rainy day.  The only sounds are my fingers on this keyboard and the rain falling on various bits of wood, glass, metal and plastic.  Oh, and the grandfather clock that my grandfather made just chimed.  But that sound has become so much a part of the background that I don't even hear it anymore.
     Sometimes, you really need to listen to hear the quiet.
    Today was supposed to be a go to work day for Jarrad but he is here.  It seems like when we get weather changes, his body doesn't quite know how to adjust.  He is asleep with body aches and a low grade temperature. I guess breaking most of your body will do that to you.  I don't think we have ever really paid attention to it before - too many other things to worry about.  Is that good or bad?  Good because things are settling enough that we are picking up on these things or bad because this might be a pattern?  Perhaps we can get ahead of it, if this pattern continues to emerge.
    I was annoyed with him earlier.  Why does he have to be ill on "my" day?  A day where he goes to work and the kids are at school?  A day where I can have the TV on to watch all the reality and talk shows I want as I clean as loudly as I want?  When I don't have to worry about being quiet because he is on a conference call?  Or he has that look - deep concentration; don't disturb me or I will lose the solution to the problem look.  Where I can relax and only fix myself a lunch and everything stays clean - no tissues on the desk or floor or dishes here and there. 
    And why now?  I am going away this weekend.  No kids.  No husband.  No shower bench or ramp or catheters or medicine or all the other things that we need to make life easier for the both of us.  I have 1!  ONE bag packed (and a backpack but that holds the magazines that my neighbor gives me so that I can read them on the beach).  I am already feeling guilty about leaving him.  Never mind the fact that for the past 3 weeks, he has gotten the kids fed and in PJ's and bed as well as himself.  Never mind that he can drive and can take care of 95% of his personal needs.  Never mind that we have tried to troubleshoot anything that might go wrong.
    To be honest, I am so scared that something is going to happen and it will be an "if only I was there" type of thing.
    Maybe that is why I turn on the tv when the house is empty.  In the silence, you can really hear the fear that has taken up residence in your life.
    I have come to realize that I am not angry, annoyed, irritated with Jarrad.  I am just afraid.  And he gets to deal with the confusion of my fear.  
     He really loves me. I don't know what I would do without him.  It has been 2 and a half years and still I am afraid that I will lose him.  I had a sweet lady say that she thought I was an amazing woman.
     He is just that amazing of a man. 

It's like this . . .

   After I had Emma, I experienced postpartum. I didn't know it at the time.  It was hard.  It is hard to describe.  Slowly, I came out of it.  I think I would have been better if I had some medication but sometimes, the symptoms are subtle.  But, slowly, it got better.  I had a good husband who did what he could to help.  He brought home a pump.  I cried.  It was better than roses or caramels (prefer them to chocolate). He encouraged me to get out. He kept her and got up with her.  And it got better.
    I remember the first time I left them alone.  I went to the library.  Keep in mind that it is only a 10 minute drive from our house.  I think I was gone for a total of 30 minutes.  I was so nervous.  I was jittery.  I got a book and came home.
    But I remember the feelings.  I remember the anxiety and nervousness.  The something catastrophic is going to happen feeling.
    But I went anyway because I knew I had to for all 3 of us.
    Jarrad has been driving for 3 weeks.  He has gone to work, movies with friends and a business type dinner thing.
    He has had some issues.  He parked too close to the line and someone else parked on the hash tags.  Fortunately, he was with a friend who was able to move the van back and he could get out.  We talked about what to do if he was alone and that happened.  Note - asking a complete stranger to move his vehicle is not what we are going to do.  Asking an employee of the establishment or asking for the owner of the car to come move his or her vehicle are more viable options.
    He lost his sliding board but someone was able to help him.  He also lost his balance a bit but he is getting better at transfers.
    But the feelings are there again - the no breathing, nervous, "how can I leave my baby???" feelings.  
    Last week, I took the kids to school before he was safely in the drivers seat.  I only breathed normally when I passed him on my way back into the neighborhood.
    He needed to pick up the kids from after school.  He needed to leave by 4:30.  I stopped breathing until he texted me and said that they were home safe.  I saw that I had missed a call and had a few seconds of panic until I saw that it was my mom who had called.
    The second day of him driving to work, he got busy and forgot to text.  Didn't breathe until he answered my own "Hi Honey, I hope you have a good day" and by the way, could you please text me NOW?!? text.
   I need a few weeks of him driving.  I know he is fine.  It is just me.  It is just my fear.  I need to get used to this new normal.  And I know that I will.
    I gradually lost the postpartum anxiety.  I learned to breathe.  I met other moms and lost the fear.
    Already, I don't worry so much when Jarrad drives to and from work.  He has done it enough by now that I know he will be ok.  We will be ok.
    And the more he drives other places, new places, the more I will be able to breathe.