It's like this . . .

   After I had Emma, I experienced postpartum. I didn't know it at the time.  It was hard.  It is hard to describe.  Slowly, I came out of it.  I think I would have been better if I had some medication but sometimes, the symptoms are subtle.  But, slowly, it got better.  I had a good husband who did what he could to help.  He brought home a pump.  I cried.  It was better than roses or caramels (prefer them to chocolate). He encouraged me to get out. He kept her and got up with her.  And it got better.
    I remember the first time I left them alone.  I went to the library.  Keep in mind that it is only a 10 minute drive from our house.  I think I was gone for a total of 30 minutes.  I was so nervous.  I was jittery.  I got a book and came home.
    But I remember the feelings.  I remember the anxiety and nervousness.  The something catastrophic is going to happen feeling.
    But I went anyway because I knew I had to for all 3 of us.
    Jarrad has been driving for 3 weeks.  He has gone to work, movies with friends and a business type dinner thing.
    He has had some issues.  He parked too close to the line and someone else parked on the hash tags.  Fortunately, he was with a friend who was able to move the van back and he could get out.  We talked about what to do if he was alone and that happened.  Note - asking a complete stranger to move his vehicle is not what we are going to do.  Asking an employee of the establishment or asking for the owner of the car to come move his or her vehicle are more viable options.
    He lost his sliding board but someone was able to help him.  He also lost his balance a bit but he is getting better at transfers.
    But the feelings are there again - the no breathing, nervous, "how can I leave my baby???" feelings.  
    Last week, I took the kids to school before he was safely in the drivers seat.  I only breathed normally when I passed him on my way back into the neighborhood.
    He needed to pick up the kids from after school.  He needed to leave by 4:30.  I stopped breathing until he texted me and said that they were home safe.  I saw that I had missed a call and had a few seconds of panic until I saw that it was my mom who had called.
    The second day of him driving to work, he got busy and forgot to text.  Didn't breathe until he answered my own "Hi Honey, I hope you have a good day" and by the way, could you please text me NOW?!? text.
   I need a few weeks of him driving.  I know he is fine.  It is just me.  It is just my fear.  I need to get used to this new normal.  And I know that I will.
    I gradually lost the postpartum anxiety.  I learned to breathe.  I met other moms and lost the fear.
    Already, I don't worry so much when Jarrad drives to and from work.  He has done it enough by now that I know he will be ok.  We will be ok.
    And the more he drives other places, new places, the more I will be able to breathe.