the day before

     Last week, Sam turned 7.
    "Hey Buddy, last night you went to sleep as a 6 year old.  Tonight, you go to sleep as a 7 year old!  Will you wake up as an 8?"
    "No, Mommy, I think I will sleep till 9."
    The kids like for us to play the "__ years ago at this time" game.  It is a way to tell stories about them and they love stories.  It is a way to remember what happened.  The good - got a little boy; the bad - he drives me crazy some days; the ugly - it was a very rough delivery. Very.
    Sam's birthday is always fun.  He just loves presents but for us, it is a bit hard.  You see, 4 years ago, we went to the zoo for his birthday and then a week later, Jarrad fell and was paralyzed.  4 years ago today, my husband was at work and he was walking.  4 years ago tomorrow, at 2:30, I will be calling for an ambulance to come.  4 years ago tomorrow, our lives will change forever.
    Sam snuggled with Jarrad on his birthday and told him that sometimes he is sad.  He is sad because daddy can't walk.  He doesn't show it a lot but I know it bothers him.  It bothers Emma. It bothers me.  Jarrad hugged him and said that it made him sad too.  What else can you do but to validate feelings? 
    I think every year gets a bit easier.  This year, I didn't start the emotional game until today.  I think that is progress.  But I know that every year, May 19th is going to hurt.  It is going to hurt a lot.  No matter what I do or what I try, this day will always be hard.