and then...

    There is a phrase "they dropped a bomb".  It means to say something so world changing, so explosive that it leaves everyone broken.
    But where is the phrase that means you want to tell people something but don't know how to say it because you can't really start a conversation with it as there is no transition and then you are left with awkwardness because no one knows how to transition away from it?
    That's what this post is.  I have told 5 people.  All wonderful friends and I don't know how to tell or what to say after I receive the genuine emotion.
     I just feel awkward.
     And sad. 
     My mother in law passed late Wednesday.
    I am glad we went to see her last week. It seems so weird that last week, we saw her, talked with her. Hugged her.  I helped her to change one day and she asked me what Jarrad had gotten me for our 8th anniversary (its been 12 years).  I showed her the ear rings and bracelet I was wearing. She said he did well. 
    She was a woman who loved her son.  She spoiled him by making his favorite dishes when she came.  She had a kind heart and couldn't sit still for long.  She always wanted to help - even when I didn't want her too!  She taught me that wearing an apron is always a good idea! She was sociable and knew how to make small talk - I guess that comes with being a minister's wife.  She was always concerned with the comfort of others.  She could be quite stubborn.
     I can't tell you how many times she changed her name but it was a few and I thought that was cool.  I asked her once what her original hair color was  - and she said she couldn't remember!  She always wanted to bake or cook with the kids because that is what she had done with her grandmother.  We didn't always see eye to eye and I am sure that she could be as frustrated with me as I was with her at times.  But we had one very important thing in common, we both loved Jarrad and wanted him to be happy.

   
   She was my husband's mother.  She was my children's Nana.  She will be missed.

How do you get rid of a whale?

    Sometimes, you are faced with a situation.  It seems huge and you don't even know where to begin.  Back after our Disney trip (I need to finish that...), we got news that my mother in law was failing.  We had known that she had been diagnosed with a rare disease - Amyloidosis.  What we didn't know was how quickly it would progress.  What we also didn't know was that Jarrad's company was going to sell his division and that there would be changes in how vacation was doled out.  In short, he had to fight and go above his superior's head in order to get the vacation time that he had put in for long before there was even a hint of a buy out. But that also meant that he went "in the hole" for 3 months. Which meant that he had no vacation time to use to go and see his mom.  I am giving you the short version and it was not pretty.  Why do we have to fight for the "privilege" of being with our families?  You ever see that commercial where the kids are asking for one more day?  It isn't that parents don't want to take one more day, it is because they aren't ALLOWED to!
     But, I am getting off topic.  And if I seem frustrated - I am!

     However, because of the buy out, there was restructuring - yeah! - and Jarrad has a new boss.  This one is a bit more compassionate and seems to have common sense.  This one found out what was going on and said that he was ok if Jarrad did his work in the car or after "normal" business hours (and since they have clients on the west coast, well, normal has a broad definition).  Because of that, we were able to traverse 7 states, 32 driving hours and 10 days in order for Jarrad to see his mom and say good bye.  We combined it with a trip for a family reunion on my side since it would save us a whole 2 hours to leave from PA.
     Huh, that means that it was 36 hours of driving...
     We tried to turn it into a road trip of sorts.  We would drive for about 3 or 4 hours, stop at a museum for an hour or 2 and drive a couple of more hours to a hotel.  Jarrad would stretch out, find and order dinner and the kids and I would unpack.  Get up the next morning and repeat.
     We are now Hilton Honors "Blue" Members!  Only 14 more stays and we upgrade to "Silver".
     Whoo hoo! 
     What did we learn?
     1.  That I need to evaluate my packing system that has worked for the past 4 years because the kids are getting older and can help.
     2.  That road trips aren't as bad as I was dreading if they are broken into chunks.
     3.  That I love my bed.
     4.  That people be crazy when they be driving!
     5.  That I miss my bed.
     6.  That there are some really cool places to stop and visit on the way.
     7.  That we are "cool" Auntie and Uncle.
     8.  I really, really love my bed!
     We tried to be upbeat?  adventurous? about the trip.  Hence the stops to sight see.  But the point of the trip was for Jarrad got to spend time with his mom.  It was hard to see her.  She was tiny to begin with and now, she is smaller still.  Hospice has told my sister in law that the body knows how to die.  There is even a pamphlet.  We know about the cycles of grief and that the cycles don't go in order nor do they end.  We have all this knowledge but the reality is something different.  It comes in waves and sometimes, it leaves a whale on the beach.