You know that thing that happens when you buy a new car? You tend to see it everywhere. There goes another Ford Focus! Wow! How many Toyota Siennas are out there? And when you are pregnant - or not pregnant - EVERYONE is pregnant. Probably we are just hyper aware because we find ourselves in the same situation. I notice ramps everywhere we go. Is it accessible? How many parking spaces are there? How far away is dot dot dot?
Maybe I am just in a state of hyper awareness but I am noticing all the bad things in life. The accidents. Passed one on the way home today. At least 3 cars and one was really bad. I passed them as they were taking the 20 something young man to the ambulance. Neck brace on and blood pumping leg warmer things.
Sometimes, life is just shitty.
A shitty roller coaster.
Adrenaline pumping, stomach dropping shitty roller coaster.
Found out that a friend has stage 4 breast and liver cancer. Amazing woman. Smart, funny, beautiful, compassionate.
I met her at my first job. She took me into her circle and made me her friend. She listened, guided and showed me what a good teacher is. I wanted to be like her. Of course, I figured out (eventually) that there was only one her. BUT I could be like her by being me and owning who I was. Which is what she did. Does. There were 2 of us that she took under her wing that year. We all
became friends. B even dubbed us the "English Goddess'". B and I would
joke to A that we wanted to be like her when we grew up.
And she didn't want me to know because she didn't want to "burden" me. I "had enough to deal with".
I waited to talk to her because she usually calls me. She always calls on school breaks - she is always busy. I wondered why I hadn't heard from her.
But I didn't pick up the phone.
I am mad at myself.
I am mad at her because she didn't want to "add to my stress".
I am mad at a life where it seems that everyone I know is being touched by sorrow.
I listened to my friend's husband detail their timeline. He said he knows he sounds cold. No, he doesn't. I know that tone of voice. I have used it. I have heard my sister use it. I have heard others use it. It is the tone that says "I am telling you everything as if I were a stranger because if I even think for one minute about my emotional connection, the dam I have so carefully erected will break."
I told him to not be alone. To have folks with him and use help. He said he hadn't been alone since he was 11 and that he and God have gotten real close. He said he prays for many things but the biggest would be that his wife not be in pain.
Please excuse me while I go scream.
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