This week, I took my kids to my oldest friend's house. No, she is not old. We have just been friends for over 30 years. Amazing. I have known her for that long. Some friends come into your life and stay there for a while, then fade into the past. The trick is for them to fade with good memories, if a bit regretful that they are no longer a major part of your life. Then there are friends that you may not see but once a year and only talk to every 3 or 4 months. Those friends are the ones that are great.
We sat on her front porch of her beautiful house with its pastoral view while our kids played and talked about it. I even commented that we had been talking for 3 hours without any awkward social pauses that you use to think of something else to talk about.
And then we went inside to find that I had 10 missed calls and she had a message on her machine to call Jarrad.
Shit.
Sometimes, the only word that can express how you feel is a bad one. I tell my kids that grown ups use bad words because they can't have a temper tantrum and cry. They don't have the luxury. Usually, they have to deal with whatever has come up and that bad word is 20 minutes worth of kicking and screaming and the time out you get to calm down.
Still, it doesn't stop the tears that come. I think I am getting better at composing myself. It only takes about a minute and then my voice is back to normal and my eyes, while green (I have hazel eyes; they change color with strong emotion), are dry.
That day, all I felt was guilt. Another good thing about friends is that they get what you feel. We had talked about my divided guilt. Be at my parents' house with the kids but feel guilty for not being with Jarrad. Be with Jarrad or worry about my kids wearing my parents' out. This is all self inflicted guilt too. Both Jarrad and my folks are great. But is doesn't stop me from feeling guilty.
Oh, and get this, apparently my "devotion to Jarrad" has been commented on because I am there all the time - 3 days a week is all the time??? That is really sad and I feel guilty for not being there more???
Anyway, to go back to why I felt guilty on that day.
Jarrad had swelling in his legs. Enough so that the nurses scheduled him for some tests. I think they didn't want to alarm him so they kind of made it seem like no big deal and didn't give him any concrete answers - just "oh, we just want to see . . . " or ". . . just need to rule out . . ." With Jarrad, that is not good. I have told you that Jarrad is a pessimist by nature? So his head immediately goes to bad places. He needs to have everything laid out before him so he knows what is going on. He can tell you all medications that he is on, the dosages, and the side effects.
What he needed was me to calm him down and talk to him about some of this stuff and I was outside enjoying the sunshine and laughter of our kids.
Shit.
I know what you are saying, "That is not your fault." and other sentiments to that effect. Guilt however, is self -inflicted. It doesn't have to make any sense. It is not logical.
Jarrad and I had agreed to not look back but how can I not? How can I not look back and say all the "if only's". If only I had called it quits for the day. If only I had stayed there. If only I hadn't pointed out the blobs. If only I had insisted that he check the ladder. If only I had more faith, God would have preformed a miracle or not allowed this to happen in the first place. If only I didn't want that damn house painted. If only, if only, if only.
Again, I know that this is just a cycle of grief. I know that there was nothing to be done. I even know that God has a plan. Jarrad believes it. His strength and determination is astounding.
It is so hard to make that transition from head to heart knowledge and there is only so much one can take before they have a temper tantrum with all of its definitions.
We don't know for sure what has caused the swelling. We have ruled out the obvious causes - blood clot and bone growth and we (Jarrad and I) think it is his new meds. But a roller coaster of emotions leaves you exhausted and susceptible to negative thoughts.
Anybody got a pair of ruby slippers I could borrow?
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