second year blues

    I like to think that I don't let "the situation" get me down.  I like to think that I don't go around bemoaning it.  I know that I lean (hard) on my friends sometimes.  I hope that most of the time it is for the normal stuff - nothing to do with the chair. 
    I like to think that. 
    But the truth is, I resent the chair sometimes.  I resent everything that comes with it.  I resent the fact that Jarrad is in pain and I can't do anything about it.  I resent not being able to do what we used to do.  I resent how much effort things take - it is almost like, why bother? 
    Last year, it was all physical.  Getting his strength up.  Learning what works for us physically.  Getting spasms under control.  Meds for the worst of the pains.  Getting systems in place.  Going back to work.  The floors, the bathroom - all physical needs for Jarrad were being addressed.
    I was tired.  So very tired.  I had lost 15 pounds last summer and gained 20 in the fall.   I was so tired that when I did sit down for the hour that he sat on the toilet, I stared around the house and said - I should do dishes, laundry, dust, vacuum and justified not doing it by eating because that meant that I could sit down.   That did nothing for my energy or mental health. 
    This year, for the both of us, it is a mental adjustment.  The emotional aspects seem harder.  He gets frustrated by what he can't do.   I get frustrated because he is.  I want him to see ways around the difficulties and figure out another way to do things.  He isn't there yet. 
    I feel like I have to be careful with what I say because I don't know if I am going to hurt him.  Sometimes, it is just a wince; a flash of pain.  Sometimes, he cracks a joke that is funny and sometimes it is just bitter.  Sometimes, he is ok with it and sometimes he throws his hands up and rolls away.  Sometimes, he figures it out but not often. 
   For me, it is hard to be always be the cheerleader.  I am still tired so I don't always notice when he puts the dishes in the dishwasher or bags up the trash or whatever chore is done.  Hey, that is pretty normal - all guys need pats on the head when they do something the their better halves do several times a day but I need to really pay attention now because it takes more time and effort on his part.  And I am not always good at it but he really needs it and it is just one more thing that I need to do.  It's not that I don't want to . . . just. . . I guess I am selfish. . . I don't know. . .
   Tomorrow will be a better day.