I have a job

     When THE INCIDENT first happened, I spent the first 3 days worrying about Jarrad.  After I found out that he was going to be ok - then I started to worry about other things - like how we were going to continue paying the mortgage. Jarrad had only been with this company for 7 months and as such, he did not qualify for disability.  Our home owners insurance covered everyone EXCEPT the homeowner.  I calculated that we had at least 2 more paychecks (sick and vacation time) coming in and if I was REALLY careful, I could stretch that to 3 months. 
    Enter the panic. 
    There was a really nice social worker named Michelle at Duke.  She sat with me and helped me to try to figure out what to do.  One suggestion was that I get a job. 
    Hmmm.  I was beyond overwhelmed.  I know that others do it - I just couldn't imagine how.  Even now, I am in awe of those that work and do all the other stuff that comes along with a new INCIDENT.  Honestly, I don't know how they do it. 
    I was a teacher.  My licensed had lapsed and then there were the kids to consider.  Not to mention that it was May and there was a hiring freeze going on.  She suggested things like working at the hospital or Wal-Mart.  All at minimum wage.  All what I would have done if I had needed to.  Fortunately, after 2 days of filling out forms, trying to brush up my resume, looking at ads, and visiting the county welfare office, Jarrad's company came back to us with some fabulously great news.  They really stepped up to the plate.  That, combined with generous souls helped to get us over the hump until Jarrad could start working again.  We were going to be ok. 
    I will never forget those 2 days.  I remember calling the mortgage company and spending 2 hours on the phone trying to find someone I could talk to.  For two hours, all I got was,  "You are going to have to short sell your house."  FINALLY, I got someone who said, "Ma'am, this is the collections department.  You want X department."  And more paperwork but at least there was some hope at that point.  Oh, and I had to do this in the ICU and wake Jarrad up every time I escalated it up the food chain.  Nice.  That is because when we married, I moved into his house and as such was not on the mortgage.  Fun times. 
    Since that time, getting a job has always been in the back of my mind.  Before THE INCIDENT, I always thought I would substitute teach when both kids were in school -if I wanted to. If I was bored. It would be something to do and bring in a little extra cash for fun things or to pay for a masters.  I would be off in the summer and if I couldn't do it, oh well.  The problem was that I had substituted before and hated it!  It was so dull and boring and the kids are rude and you don't know anyone until you have been there for a while and no one feels the need to get to know you . . . blah blah blah.  YUCK! 
    And then one magical day, I took Sam to story time and walked in as the librarian was putting up a sign that read "Part Time Circulation Desk Clerk Wanted". 
    And I heard angels singing! 
     It would only be about 16 hours a week and the hours were really flexible.  I don't think I had gotten half a sentence out before Jarrad told me I should apply. 
    Did I mention I really love to read? Like REALLY love it?  And that in my "Teaching Writing" class in college, the professor asked, "Who is going into teaching because they love writing?" and in that class of about 20, only 2 people did not raise a hand.  Want to guess which one I was?
    I am all about the books.  
    Well, I turned in my application and was told that they were going to hire one of the substitutes for the position. 
    BOO!  But I am glad that they were going to do right by one of their subs. 
    WAIT! What? 
    "You need substitutes for the library?"
    "Yes, would you like to be a substitute?" 
    And the angels were singing again! 
    

Follow up visit . . .

     Jarrad went to see Dr. Dahners yesterday.  This was a 6 week (?) follow up visit to see how successful the surgery was.
    Ever since THE EVENT, I feel like we have been blessed with surgeries - they all seem to be successful and we have had great doctors until this one.  I feel like I should just prep myself for bad news every time we see this doctor.
    So yesterday - school was canceled so we ALL went to UNC.  At least I know how to get to all the hospitals now.  We dropped Jarrad off because the 4 - well, 5 when you count Wheels- in an exam room is about 3 too many.  He got x-rays and found out that there has been some bone regrowth.  We don't know if it has stopped or if it is slowing or if it is growing like a run away train.  To say we are disappointed would be an understatement.  And scared.  Very scared that it will keep growing again which means - perhaps - another surgery.  We know we have to do the left hip in November but we were kind of hoping that would be it.  Only one surgery this year.  And now, maybe another in 2015.  I really hate waiting. We are going back in October to get ready for his other hip. 
    Hey - we get to plan our lives around surgical procedures!  YEAH!
    Ok, good news.
    He still has all of his range of motion - inner and outer, up and down.  The pin in the top of his femur - you remember where the bone shattered - has not moved.  Whoo.  That is good and it is highly unlikely that it will move now.
     The wound vac is off.  Jarrad says he feels better with it off - no more pins and needles feeling.  The site looks great. The wound vac is truly amazing.  With it off, he was able to take care of himself without any help this morning.
     Now to evaluate Dr. Dahners.  He is very knowledgeable and takes each patient case by case.  We know this because we know someone else who has had this procedure done and what we were told is different from what that person was told.  He does research on newest techniques and information.  His is people awkward.  Not cold or unfeeling but awkward.  He doesn't explain why you should do something (ie lift the leg to move the blood around so it doesn't stagnate and get infected).  I think that he would benefit from better support staff as we have had to repeatedly ask for records to be transferred to Jarrad's GP (who is awesome) and she didn't get them even when she called.  However, when you talk to Dr. Dahners directly, he does it.  That isn't his job! That is his office staff's job. And that is where I feel the problem lies.  If he weren't the best doctor in this area for this procedure . . .
    So the lesson that we have learned here is this:  You have to like your doctor.  If you don't - go see another doctor.  Otherwise, you don't want to go!  And we need to have doctors - not all the time - but we need to have doctors we trust and like.  I love my kid's doctor, Dr. Fletcher, and Jarrad really likes his GP - Dr. Beck.  He also likes his urologist but we have found another urologist that may be more current with trends for SCI patients. 
   Whoo, I will get off THIS soapbox but we had 3 doctor appointments this week and well, you just need to have doctors you like and trust.  
     Just sayin'.
   

Food

    I have never been thin.  Well, maybe before puberty. . . I wish that I could go back to my pre- kid days and tell myself that my body was fabulous because I really wish that I were 25 lbs lighter. Sigh.
    When Jarrad was in the hospital, I lost 20 lbs.  I don't know how because I made sure I ate 3 balanced meals. I had to make sure because the night of  THE EVENT, I didn't really eat.  I did munch on a granola bar simply because my friend gently twisted my arm.  She was right - I needed to eat and drink water.  Funny, how things stick with you. Later, I was so light headed after I finally saw Jarrad after his 4 hour surgery, my knees wouldn't hold me.  I went down and all I could think of was that I couldn't let myself get to that point again.  I needed to keep it together and part of that was eating - even when I didn't feel like it.   
    That incident that made me  hyper aware of nutrients.  I made sure I had fruit and veggies and protein every day - 3 times a day.  Oh, and water.  Lots of water (and one large chi tea latte daily- the hospital did have a Starbucks).  I didn't exercise at all - unless you count the daily walk from the parking garage to the hospital.  Still, I lost 20 lbs.  Friends tell me it was my nervous energy.  I don't know.  I do know that others in my situation have also reported weight loss when their EVENTS happened.
   They also reported a 20 -30 lb weight gain when things settled.  Settled means that loved one is home and the nurses and therapists are gone.  It means doing all of it on your own.   I think I gained weight because I justified eating like this:  by 8 everyone is settled.  Jarrad and the kids are asleep and I haven't had a chance to eat dinner so I sit down to eat and keep eating because if I am eating, I am taking care of myself -nutrients-and therefore can ignore the laundry, dishes, dusting, sweeping, mail, bathrooms - everything.  Because it is only 8 and there is so much that I need to do but if I was eating, I was allowed to sit down. 
    I kept on eating because it felt good.   Food is energy and I was sooo tired.  And I gained 25 lbs.
     Sigh.
     So now I have to change my mind set.  Food is energy and I need to determine if I am hungry or just tired.  It is a hard habit to break.
   Especially when you are watching food competitions or reading about food that friends make (you know who you are!).  I don't like to cook but I love it when I make a beautiful dinner for my family.  There is a source of pride in it for me.
    I try to like cooking - I even try new recipes.  And sometimes, I find one I love.  Like the one pictured above for pork chops.  I don't like cooking pork chops - don't care for them BBQed and stuffing is too involved.    But I stumbled on this recipe - don't know from where - Spark recipes?  and fell in love with it.  YUM!  Quick,  easy and uses the grill so little clean up - love the grill!
    A heavy 1/4 cup of honey
    3 tbs of soy sauce
    6 cloves of minced garlic (or I do 4 tsps. of the minced in a jar)
    6 pork chops
    Mix together the honey, soy and garlic.  I like to heat it in the microwave for 30 seconds to warm up the honey - makes it easier to pour.
     Pour over the pork chops and let marinate over night.
     Grill until done.
     You can boil the left over honey soy sauce for dipping if you like.  2 minutes folks - rolling boil!
    Serve with Jasmine rice, baby peas and peaches.
    And wish that you had doubled the batch! 

• Calories: 204.3 
• Total Fat: 5.7 g
• Cholesterol: 48.4 mg
• Sodium: 518.2 mg
• Total Carbs: 18.4 g
• Dietary Fiber: 0.2 g
• Protein: 19.9 g

On being an inspiration

      Sometimes, people say dumb things.  I know that I have. We all have those moments where we say something and what is in our hearts gets lost on the way to our mouth and what comes out is not at all what we mean.  I do it all the time and I also hear it from others.  And since I know what it is like to have a foot in mouth moment, I try to have grace as a response.  I have hesitated to write this because I could hurt the feelings of folks that I care about but it is what I have been thinking about sooo, have some grace for me.
   "You're an inspiration."  You wouldn't think that such a phrase would cause me to wince but it does.  Just a smidge.  I get what is meant.  I do.  And I am glad that we are encouraging you to be better - I hope.  I am glad that you see something worthwhile in us.  I am glad that our living life makes you appreciative of what you have and who you have. We don't think of ourselves as inspirations because we love and love just does.  But it hurts to be called an inspiration and quite frankly, I don't want to be an inspiration. 
    It reminds me of who we were before instead of who we are now.  It means that there is something abnormal about us.  When we are called an inspiration, it is a reminder that our lives are not like everyone else's.  That we don't have the white picket fence with the cute steps leading to a porch in a cute little 2 story house where our spouse mows the lawn and we play football with the kids on Thanksgiving.  It is a reminder of bowel programs and med regimens and cathing accidents.  Of hospital stays and doctor visits.  Of trips that we can't take or events that we  miss.   It is a reminder of how much work it takes for whatever venue we find ourselves in where we are called an inspiration. We work SO hard to be "normal".  To not allow the challenges that we face in private be seen in public.  The word inspiration while being a compliment is a nutshell reminder that we aren't an ordinary family.
   It is a reminder that we are different. And not many really enjoy being different.
   Thank you for thinking that we are an inspiration.  But please, allow us a little normalcy by not reminding us that we are different because we already know we are.  Instead, if our story inspires you, go out and make a difference - however small so that someone else will be blessed. 

healing the paralyzed man

    I can't tell you how many times I have come to this entry, typed a bit and then left it.  I admit that when I come to this story in the kid's little Bible book, I pass over it.  It is hard to digest and wrap my head around.

Mark 2:1-12

Jesus Forgives and Heals a Paralyzed Man

2 A few days later, when Jesus again entered Capernaum, the people heard that he had come home. ² They gathered in such large numbers that there was no room left, not even outside the door, and he preached the word to them. ³ Some men came, bringing to him a paralyzed man, carried by four of them. ⁴ Since they could not get him to Jesus because of the crowd, they made an opening in the roof above Jesus by digging through it and then lowered the mat the man was lying on. ⁵ When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralyzed man, “Son, your sins are forgiven.”

⁶ Now some teachers of the law were sitting there, thinking to themselves, ⁷ “Why does this fellow talk like that? He’s blaspheming! Who can forgive sins but God alone?”
⁸ Immediately Jesus knew in his spirit that this was what they were thinking in their hearts, and he said to them, “Why are you thinking these things? ⁹ Which is easier: to say to this paralyzed man, ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or to say, ‘Get up, take your mat and walk’? ¹⁰ But I want you to know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins.” So he said to the man, ¹¹ “I tell you, get up, take your mat and go home.” ¹² He got up, took his mat and walked out in full view of them all. This amazed everyone and they praised God, saying, “We have never seen anything like this!”

    When "the incident" first happened, a friend's son was taught this lesson in his Sunday school class.  On the way home, he asked her why God didn't heal Mr. Jarrad like he did in the Bible lesson.  How do you explain to a child that God has reasons for what he does and this was a miracle to demonstrate that he was the Son of God who could heal our spiritual self as well as the physical?  Sure you could say it like that but does that really explain anything? There is a difference between a pat answer and a soul deep understanding.
    I remember one Sunday when the pastor preached on this passage.  Maybe it was just me, but I kind of felt like the whole room went tense as he read the scripture.  He didn't mention us - the elephant in the room - and I will be honest, I don't remember much,  ok, anything of the sermon.  I kind of shut down- lost in my own contemplation of the passage and here is a post about it.  
    I am not a preacher.  And my thoughts are not always .... um... theological.  And I am writing this from the perspective of a believer to other believers; not as an apologetic for faith.
    I know that so many people prayed for Jarrad to get up and walk.  I know that some people were disappointed that it didn't happen.  Some would even say that they were (gasp!) angry at God.  By the way, it is ok to be angry with God.  He is big enough to take it.  I was angry with him.  It would be ridiculous if I weren't.  It would be ridiculous if Jarrad hadn't been.  So can you understand why this passage is hard to read?  If God has already forgiven us of our sins, then repairing Jarrad's spine would be a simple matter.  And how much more praise would God receive because of it?  Would He not be more glorified through the miraculous healing than through the continuation of Jarrad's paralysis?  How is Jarrad and our family suffering for the betterment of His purpose?  
    I don't think I am alone in this questioning.  Any loss or tragedy would inspire these questions. We all ask why and how.  How is the death of my child/spouse/friend going to make this world a better place?  How is losing my job going to further the gospel?  How is this accident, this cancer, this illness for good?  Why do we have to go through this?  What is God's purpose?
    And then, tonight, Jarrad read the story of Lazarus' death to the kids as I was washing up after dinner.  And for me, it kind of clicked.  Not saying that I like the click but. . . See, our time is not His time.  Ugh.  I do not like the idea but it is EVERYWHERE in scripture that what we want to happen is not always what should happen.  
    And Jarrad's accident isn't Christ making a point to the teachers of law or to anyone else. It is not because of some sin - well, other than we don't live in a perfect world. Thanks Adam and Eve!  This was life - as sucky as it can be at times.  We are never promised miracles.  We are never promised "a good life".  In fact, the opposite.  I don't know why we have this idea that we are protected from a sinful world.  A world where we are elite and above being "rained on".  We are alive and frankly, I don't see God as a micro -manager.  You know,free will would not be free will if He was.  So death, accidents, illness isn't something that He "does".  He doesn't "use" those things for His plan; He uses us.  All of us - anger, hope, frustration, determination - our actions and how we respond to life.  
     He forgave that man's sin and then He healed him to prove a point.  The point was made.   We have to ask ourselves, what point are we making about God through our own actions.

Happy New Year!

Jarrad is starting the year out right- isn't he handsome?

     Why is it that at the end of every year I am always so happy for the new year to begin?  Always, the previous year didn't go as well as I wanted - didn't lose the weight, didn't get as organized (stop laughing my so called friends - I can hear you!  I can always do better.)  Didn't do as many projects, etc.  But the new year, oh the new year always has so much potential!  A whole new year with so many blank pages to be filled!  Whee!
    So I love to make resolutions!  And this year, I am going to make monthly resolutions - smaller chunks should be more easily accomplished, right?  Want to know what they are?  (Too bad if you don't 'cause you are still reading!)   So for this month it will be:

He has my kids excited about watching football! 

 

     1.  Get healthy - change from losing weight.  Tired of that battle.  I just want to be healthy and love the body I am in.  Plus size super model!  Physical, spiritual and mental health - all of that good stuff! This month - take my multivitamin daily (I am bad at that) and drink more water.  Concentrate on WHY I am eating things - for nutrition or to fulfill another need.  Find a year and a month verse to memorize.
     2.  Get all my birthday cards for this year ready to go this month so I don't have ahh, I forgot moments.  (see, better organization!)
     3.  Fill out all the "how is our store doing surveys".  Yep - silly but this is what I am going to do!  I am going to get one of those 1,000 gift cards they keep saying I am entered for (come on Target!!!)
     4.  Create a blog list so that I have something to refer to when I am "stuck".   
    What do you think of my plan for monthly goals?  What are you going to do with this year of potential?   Really, I want to know!