Sick days.

    No, not me.  Today - both boys are sick.  Sam said his tummy wasn't feeling good and while he doesn't have a (high) fever or the dark circles under his eyes, he is sleeping again (8:30 am).  Jarrad has a migraine - work stress induced.  He hasn't been sleeping well and is just so tired.
     And Emma is at school (watch - the phone will ring any minute . . . )
    So either end of my house has sleeping bodies.  And it is so quiet!
    I can hear the clocks tick.
    And I have to be quiet. 
    I have to be still. 
    Hmmm......

 

 

stage of grief - anger

    I have to be honest.  I am angry.  Or I was.  I will probably be again.  But it took a while for me to express it.
    The thing is, when I did - I was finally able to let go of the hold it had on me.

(Insert "Let it Go" from Frozen here) 

    I am under no delusion however.  I am fully aware that I will be angry again and my head will be a mess and I will yell and be irrational.  I just hope that I remember how to get over it.
    See, I was angry at Jarrad.  But not at him because it isn't him but the situation around him.  And I felt guilty for being angry.  He is in constant pain.  Yet he gets up EVERY SINGLE day.  And I was moping and irritable and guilty and just very angry.
     And I didn't feel like I could talk to him about it.
    What kind of person looks at her husband who is paralyzed and trying so very hard and says to him,  "I love you but I am so angry and resentful of you. And it isn't you but your chair and all the crap that comes along with it."
    A bully - that's who. 
    And no one likes a bully so...
    We tell our kids that they have to use their words.  They can't just scream and yell but the truth is that sometimes, anger doesn't have words.  Sometimes all it is is screaming and yelling.  The primordial yelp.  Sometimes, you have to yell first.  THEN you can use words.
   Unfortunately, some of the first words that you have to use are "I'm sorry."

just life

    After church last week, a friend asked if we wanted to get together.  I put her off.  I told her the truth - that I was cranky.  Later in the week, she asked what was wrong.
    "Just life." I told her.
    Last Saturday, I rolled out of bed and started our daily routine.  But this time, I just bit Jarrad's head off.  The poor guy was so bewildered.  He was barely awake and I am yelling at him.
    And at one point last week, I almost burst into tears because Food Lion had Friendly's Ice Cream.  Ok, it may be the BEST Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream ever!  But it doesn't warrant my teary eyes.  It wasn't the fact that it was there but it was other things - memories.  I bought it and ate it in 3 days.  Then I cried because there goes my being healthy thing.
    Jarrad wants to watch Stem Cell Universe with Stephen Hawking and I am flat out refusing.  That is curious to him as I tend to like that kind of stuff.
    He wants to know what is wrong and I don't want to think about it much less put it into words.

In the middle of a hurricane 

Flapping wings of seagull thoughts

I don't move in the eye of the storm

I can't

the calm will pass

and I will drown in my own head.

 

   

Hmmmmm

    Tired.  Tired.  Tired.
    Have nothing to write.  Have nothing to write.  Have nothing to write.
    Brain dead.  Brain dead.  Brain dead.
    .........................................................
   Ideas?