It is scary when you look at this and say to youself:
"Oh, I get this."
https://www.pinterest.com/pin/139611657178490776/?nic_v2=1aNZM9Hwv
Sunday, September 27, 2020
Saturday, September 26, 2020
writing again...
Once upon a time, I wrote a lot. Weekly. I wrote to put some order inside my head that was just . . . full. I wrote to empty myself of the thoughts. Funny, I told my husband this morning that I was empty. I am. I am drained but my head is so full.
One should always start at the beginning.
Fall 2019.
J and I have settled into our new house. We love it. We are getting settled in. I have returned to working at the library. J's leg has finally closed over.
Ah, there is so much that you have missed. So when I say the beginning, I mean the beginning of the current crisis.
We have sat down to discuss what is next for us. We needed to think about our future. For now, I would continue to work at the library but perhaps I should continue to think about a full time job. For now, we came up with a plan to reduce our debt and consider some long term goals. We came up with a plan.
The kids were getting ready to start another year at school. Open house was that night. I took the kids to school and saw an former coworker. She was the Director of EC services. I knew that the school was down an EC teacher so I asked her how she was. I have to admit that I was a little concerned since it was my son's teacher position that needed to be filled. She laughed and asked me if I knew anyone who wanted to teach EC and would I want to teach EC - because she would hire me!
I had had a bad day at the library. I had been yelled at twice. IN THE LIBRARY! One time by a a patron that I told to use headphones while pointing at the sign over his head that specifically said to use headphones! So I asked her what the salary was. I asked her what she wanted me to do - she said, "I want you to teach them to read . . . and math. . . that last part was very quiet.
From there, it spiraled. One thing led to another. It was ridiculously easy to get my license reinstated. The interview went well; I think it helped that we had worked together and that I had subbed there. It was not a desperate hire though since almost immediately after my interview she received a resume for an teacher with EC experience.
And they still hired me.
Within a month, I was an upper elementary EC teacher at the school that my kids went to. I never thought that I would ever want to enter a classroom again. This position that I took seemed ideal. I was starting to contribute to a retirement plan, I was working at the school my kids attended so that made it convenient. I never thought that I would like my coworkers. I never thought I would love working with the kids. I never thought I would like my job!
Don't get me wrong. Special Education is a hard job. I really dislike writing IEP's. It is hard work that you could be sued over. You get crappy rooms because why would you need to have a classroom? You get forgotten by general education and administrators. Your battle self confidence issues in children who feel frustration and stupid.
In my interview, I was asked how I would handle writing IEP's and meetings. I was honest. I told them that I knew I was jumping into the deep end of the pool. I knew that I was going to be in over my head but that I would hit bottom, push off and start to swim.
Spring 2020 - Covid. Quarantine. Remote learning. Plan A. Plan B. Plan C. You aren't going to have your closet to teach in (it really is a closet - no window). You are going to have to teach in a room with 2 other people. Wait, you get to keep your room. Now, do your best to address IEP goals. Plan B - nope Plan A and Plan C. Wait what? And you don't get to stay in your closet that you have made into your space where you have all of your stuff. The place that you go when you need a minute to sit and be quiet. The place you go to turn off the lights when you have born the brunt of a parent's or co workers frustration. Or when your own child is the one that causes you frustration. A place where you can take a deep breath.
Oh and you have to teach smaller groups and you have to find time to teach remotely and you have to do it a borrowed room but we don't know where and we don't know when and we don't know how.
Friday, August 24, 2018
Why I dislike school...
One week in. We have accomplished one week of school. One week. While most moms and dads are excited at the prospect of free childcare education, I am not. I won't use the word "hate". That is a little strong. No, I dislike school because I dislike the struggle.
Every day - even with the little to no homework policy for elementary school- it is a struggle. I pull the papers that were thrown in his bag out, remind him that is what his folder is for. I make him put it in the folder. Then we go over the unfinished classwork. We fix his letters, we review the rules, we go over the math problems. Then we start the homework. How many sentences in a paragraph? What do you start and end a sentence with? What are our clues for remembering how letters are formed? Try to write in cursive - remember that it is easier? You forgot? Ok, tomorrow, ok buddy? Spelling words? Ok, pick 7 words. Those are the ones we will focus on. If you get these 7 right, it is a 100 for mom and dad and you get a marble. What clues can we use to remember how to spell this word? Now we need to read. Set the timer. All done? Don't forget to write the title and the author and check the genre.
Or
Why is the paper here if your teacher didn't want you to do this? Ok, I am texting X mom. X says that it needs to be done. I am not going to fight you on this. Do you want to fail? If so, tell me now and we will stop. You don't? Ok. Then this is work and you need to do it.
Or
Hey buddy, you should have been done by now. It has been 30 minutes and you wrote 2 sentences. Do you need a break? Go ride your bike/scooter for 5 minutes. 30 minutes after the 5 minutes, we have written 2 more sentences of the 5 sentence paragraph.
School is a struggle. He loves it. He loves learning. He loves recess. He loves his teachers. he is so smart. But it is a struggle.
I never was so relieved as when I learned that he had a learning disability.
As LD's go, it isn't so bad. There are tried and true methods that help. You just have to use those methods - which we do NOT but will admit that it is easier when we do. (Insert mom banging head on hard surface).
Still.
I don't enjoy the daily routine. There is a pit in my stomach every time we get grades or report cards. I hate that those numbers and letters define my child. That piece of paper is supposed to show what he can do; what he knows but that piece of paper knows nothing about him.
It doesn't know that he is kind and outgoing. It doesn't show that we think he can play by ear (No, Mommy, I don't need the book to practice. And I already know the song). It doesn't show that he can figure out how things work or that he can take something apart and put it back together.
I dislike IEP meetings and meeting new teachers. They don't know me. They don't know what we do every night. They don't know that we read and play classical music and have family dinners or sometimes, family breakfast. They don't know that we do review during the summer to try to keep that 20% education loss from happening. They don't know that when I say we work on it home that I mean it. They don't know that I will be their partner instead of a moocher.
No, I don't want to homeschool. I know myself, I know my child (note - singular) and I know how hard it is to do it right.
School is work. I always told my students and my own kids that this is your job. Jobs are work and how fun it is is up to you. Teachers aren't there to entertain you but you can enjoy something, even if it is hard. But I have to say, I don't enjoy our evening routine. Even the one who is "good" at school has issues. She won't ask a teacher for help because she doesn't want to be seen as "arguing" with the teacher. (Insert head banging - again - on desk by her parent who wonders what she did wrong that her child thinks that asking a question is arguing...)
So, yeah. I am not looking forward to this school year.
Every day - even with the little to no homework policy for elementary school- it is a struggle. I pull the papers that were thrown in his bag out, remind him that is what his folder is for. I make him put it in the folder. Then we go over the unfinished classwork. We fix his letters, we review the rules, we go over the math problems. Then we start the homework. How many sentences in a paragraph? What do you start and end a sentence with? What are our clues for remembering how letters are formed? Try to write in cursive - remember that it is easier? You forgot? Ok, tomorrow, ok buddy? Spelling words? Ok, pick 7 words. Those are the ones we will focus on. If you get these 7 right, it is a 100 for mom and dad and you get a marble. What clues can we use to remember how to spell this word? Now we need to read. Set the timer. All done? Don't forget to write the title and the author and check the genre.
Or
Why is the paper here if your teacher didn't want you to do this? Ok, I am texting X mom. X says that it needs to be done. I am not going to fight you on this. Do you want to fail? If so, tell me now and we will stop. You don't? Ok. Then this is work and you need to do it.
Or
Hey buddy, you should have been done by now. It has been 30 minutes and you wrote 2 sentences. Do you need a break? Go ride your bike/scooter for 5 minutes. 30 minutes after the 5 minutes, we have written 2 more sentences of the 5 sentence paragraph.
School is a struggle. He loves it. He loves learning. He loves recess. He loves his teachers. he is so smart. But it is a struggle.
I never was so relieved as when I learned that he had a learning disability.
As LD's go, it isn't so bad. There are tried and true methods that help. You just have to use those methods - which we do NOT but will admit that it is easier when we do. (Insert mom banging head on hard surface).
Still.
I don't enjoy the daily routine. There is a pit in my stomach every time we get grades or report cards. I hate that those numbers and letters define my child. That piece of paper is supposed to show what he can do; what he knows but that piece of paper knows nothing about him.
It doesn't know that he is kind and outgoing. It doesn't show that we think he can play by ear (No, Mommy, I don't need the book to practice. And I already know the song). It doesn't show that he can figure out how things work or that he can take something apart and put it back together.
I dislike IEP meetings and meeting new teachers. They don't know me. They don't know what we do every night. They don't know that we read and play classical music and have family dinners or sometimes, family breakfast. They don't know that we do review during the summer to try to keep that 20% education loss from happening. They don't know that when I say we work on it home that I mean it. They don't know that I will be their partner instead of a moocher.
No, I don't want to homeschool. I know myself, I know my child (note - singular) and I know how hard it is to do it right.
School is work. I always told my students and my own kids that this is your job. Jobs are work and how fun it is is up to you. Teachers aren't there to entertain you but you can enjoy something, even if it is hard. But I have to say, I don't enjoy our evening routine. Even the one who is "good" at school has issues. She won't ask a teacher for help because she doesn't want to be seen as "arguing" with the teacher. (Insert head banging - again - on desk by her parent who wonders what she did wrong that her child thinks that asking a question is arguing...)
So, yeah. I am not looking forward to this school year.
Friday, September 22, 2017
are moving
A big aspect of this year has been looking for a house. It has consumed so much of our time and energy and been such an up and down adventure that I forgot that not everyone has been a part of it. That has lead to some surprise from people I love and care about. Although, they should all be glad to have not been a part of the journey that was fraught with tears, hope, disappointment, fights and just so.
much.
fun.
But finally, FINALLY, I will share with everyone:
Is it perfect? No. We can't afford perfection. But we can tweak it as we go. This is going to be our house, God willing, for the rest of our lives.
We are very excited. We are counting down the days (84) until we close on our new house. We are praying and crossing our fingers and toes that the current house will sell and for asking price too.
Come on, wouldn't you want to buy our current house? You just can't have it till December!
much.
fun.
But finally, FINALLY, I will share with everyone:
WE ARE BUILDING A HOUSE!!!
We are moving because our current house is getting too small. Jarrad has a job that allows him to work from home. That is great - he can literally work from home in the middle of the house. Which is not always the best thing when kids are home for the summer and Daddy needs to get on a conference call- so we want an office for him. We found that we also needed another toilet - when you have SCI, you basically get a whole bathroom to yourself every other evening and no one else can use it. We would like for folks to be able to visit more and that means we need a place for them to stay. And we wanted someplace that would be easier for both of us as we got older. Is it perfect? No. We can't afford perfection. But we can tweak it as we go. This is going to be our house, God willing, for the rest of our lives.
We are very excited. We are counting down the days (84) until we close on our new house. We are praying and crossing our fingers and toes that the current house will sell and for asking price too.
Come on, wouldn't you want to buy our current house? You just can't have it till December!
 | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Current House |
 |
| New House |
I don't want to move!
I spent the past 2 weeks going through stuff under the house. To my shame, I just bought plastic totes and threw stuff - like smaller plastic totes - into them and shoved the bigger totes under the house. Cleaning that stuff out left we with 25 (!) empty plastic totes. They are in the back yard. Now, all that is under the house is Christmas and fall decorations which I will not get out until we move. Not sure if I will have the energy to put up a tree but I kind of don't have a choice.
Everything I pulled out, I asked myself, do I want to move this? For most of it, it was no. It is was still very hard to get rid of. I have a friend who just started teaching art and she took a lot of the fabric and yarn and scrapbook paper. And the many, many smaller containers that were in the bigger containers! I am glad that they helped her and it helped me to not feel so bad about getting rid of all the stuff.
Today, the same friend and her teenagers come over and went in the attics. Yep. 2 attics. They are not too big, but boy were they crammed with STUFF! Boxes of books and memories. They spent the afternoon going through some of it with us. It was fun to read how in my first years of teaching, I wrote that I was insane and should have gotten a job in a morgue as that would have been so much easier. Found some old high school photos and looked at Jarrad's high school photos - so cute!
While we got rid of half the books and a bunch of other things, there is still a lot left. The idea of moving it and finding a place for it in my clean, empty house is overwhelming.
I just want to wave my magic wand and make it all disappear.
Everything I pulled out, I asked myself, do I want to move this? For most of it, it was no. It is was still very hard to get rid of. I have a friend who just started teaching art and she took a lot of the fabric and yarn and scrapbook paper. And the many, many smaller containers that were in the bigger containers! I am glad that they helped her and it helped me to not feel so bad about getting rid of all the stuff.
Today, the same friend and her teenagers come over and went in the attics. Yep. 2 attics. They are not too big, but boy were they crammed with STUFF! Boxes of books and memories. They spent the afternoon going through some of it with us. It was fun to read how in my first years of teaching, I wrote that I was insane and should have gotten a job in a morgue as that would have been so much easier. Found some old high school photos and looked at Jarrad's high school photos - so cute!
While we got rid of half the books and a bunch of other things, there is still a lot left. The idea of moving it and finding a place for it in my clean, empty house is overwhelming.
I just want to wave my magic wand and make it all disappear.
Friday, August 25, 2017
8 months...
1 patient realtor
8 months.
4 builders
a bazillion houses looked at either online or in person
and much discouragement leads to this:
WE ARE UNDER CONTRACT FOR A HOUSE!!!
We had become very discouraged. We had found countless houses that would have been perfect but, oh, wait - how many steps are on the front porch? Crap. Who else do you know that counts the steps of the front porch or looks at the grade of the lawn or the bricks to try to determine how many steps from the garage to the house? And if we make it to "might be feasible", who else do you know that looks at the tiles in the bathroom trying to calculate if there is enough turn around space for a wheelchair?
Me. I do that. I did that a lot. Like, a LOT, A lot.
Oh, and if it did look good, don't think about it too long because within 24 hours, it would be contingent or sometimes SOLD!
One beautiful day, I turned to Realtor - that bastion of hope and lies- and happened to see a drawing for a house in a neighborhood we liked. Hmmm. It was a ranch. It was in our (new) price range and it was being built. The floor plan looked good . . . perhaps if we got in now, we could make some changes and it would work?
Contact patient realtor.
House is a presale- boo.
Builder says - but hey, what do you think about this lot and plan? And tell me what you need.
Can you hear the angels singing? 'Cause it was a 4th of July Boston concert!
And yet, we were very apprehensive because of the previous 8 months.
The previous 8 months consisted of looking at houses that might work but all had remodeling work we needed to do. One had a sunken floor in the living room that was the center of the house - and the bathrooms were way too small. Another that really looked promising - bathroom looked great, we had a solution for entry, there were 4 bedrooms and 3 baths, acre, well, internet but the door to the bathroom was 24 inches. And the hallways were tight. Sigh.
Then there were the builders we met - OH. MY. WORD. One told us that he "didn't do these houses" and he "knew what we wanted and would give us what we wanted". It was odd. Very odd. And we decided not to waste Jarrad's time with first visits anymore. The 2nd was way over the budget that we said we had. He also didn't give us any of the things that we asked for. Which was odd because this was a neighborhood that boasted "granite counter tops", "wood flooring", "custom cabinets" so why were we getting builder grade, linoleum, builder grade cabinets? At a much higher price per square foot then other houses? They knew what we wanted and how much we had before we ever met too. Yeah, still annoyed by that waste of time. The 3rd was nice. He just didn't have anything for us.
And we became discouraged. We did some soul searching, some yelling, some crying. We reconsidered our budget. We made some compromises in what we wanted (read - cut things out) for what we needed. We talked about what we were afraid of and made a "prayer" board. A vision board, if you will, of things to pray for.
Which brings us to builder #4.
With any luck, we will close in December, our current house will sell in a timely fashion. Fingers crossed and prayers said.
8 months.
4 builders
a bazillion houses looked at either online or in person
and much discouragement leads to this:
WE ARE UNDER CONTRACT FOR A HOUSE!!!
We had become very discouraged. We had found countless houses that would have been perfect but, oh, wait - how many steps are on the front porch? Crap. Who else do you know that counts the steps of the front porch or looks at the grade of the lawn or the bricks to try to determine how many steps from the garage to the house? And if we make it to "might be feasible", who else do you know that looks at the tiles in the bathroom trying to calculate if there is enough turn around space for a wheelchair?
Me. I do that. I did that a lot. Like, a LOT, A lot.
Oh, and if it did look good, don't think about it too long because within 24 hours, it would be contingent or sometimes SOLD!
One beautiful day, I turned to Realtor - that bastion of hope and lies- and happened to see a drawing for a house in a neighborhood we liked. Hmmm. It was a ranch. It was in our (new) price range and it was being built. The floor plan looked good . . . perhaps if we got in now, we could make some changes and it would work?
Contact patient realtor.
House is a presale- boo.
Builder says - but hey, what do you think about this lot and plan? And tell me what you need.
Can you hear the angels singing? 'Cause it was a 4th of July Boston concert!
And yet, we were very apprehensive because of the previous 8 months.
The previous 8 months consisted of looking at houses that might work but all had remodeling work we needed to do. One had a sunken floor in the living room that was the center of the house - and the bathrooms were way too small. Another that really looked promising - bathroom looked great, we had a solution for entry, there were 4 bedrooms and 3 baths, acre, well, internet but the door to the bathroom was 24 inches. And the hallways were tight. Sigh.
Then there were the builders we met - OH. MY. WORD. One told us that he "didn't do these houses" and he "knew what we wanted and would give us what we wanted". It was odd. Very odd. And we decided not to waste Jarrad's time with first visits anymore. The 2nd was way over the budget that we said we had. He also didn't give us any of the things that we asked for. Which was odd because this was a neighborhood that boasted "granite counter tops", "wood flooring", "custom cabinets" so why were we getting builder grade, linoleum, builder grade cabinets? At a much higher price per square foot then other houses? They knew what we wanted and how much we had before we ever met too. Yeah, still annoyed by that waste of time. The 3rd was nice. He just didn't have anything for us.
And we became discouraged. We did some soul searching, some yelling, some crying. We reconsidered our budget. We made some compromises in what we wanted (read - cut things out) for what we needed. We talked about what we were afraid of and made a "prayer" board. A vision board, if you will, of things to pray for.
Which brings us to builder #4.
With any luck, we will close in December, our current house will sell in a timely fashion. Fingers crossed and prayers said.
Friday, March 10, 2017
The Year of The House
I always liked going to Chinese restaurants and reading the zodiac. It was fun. According to the zodiac, I am a dragon. I like that. It seems fierce and strong and don't mess with me. Jarrad is a tiger and, fortunately, we are a good match. Emma is a dog - we are not good matches so when she hits puberty and we really start to butt heads, I can blame it on her year. Sam is an ox and they aren't compatible with either the dragon or tiger. Hmm, our future seems very ... frustrating!
But I always like the idea of the year cycles. Not only do you have a different animal every 12 years but there is a different element too. This year is that of the fire rooster. Not sure what that means, but it is interesting.
A whole year of something. Not like the Greek and Roman horoscopes that only give you 30 ish days but a whole year. It makes you think that time is precious and should be savored. I know, that seems . . . odd. To savor a year. But maybe it is because we get everything so quickly that the idea of a whole year seems different.
We do get things quickly. That is why it is hard to wait. And hard when the waiting is over.
4 years ago, we decided we needed a new house. We tried to make this one work and it does. It works. But not forever. The ramp is long and when Jarrad is tired, he has a hard time pushing up and we only have the one exit for him. I suppose I could try to throw him out a window in case of emergency but I really don't see that happening. He can get in and out of the house by himself but it requires some effort. He can't really cook and he can't get the mail. He can't really get into the kids rooms and he has no place to work. As we look at getting older too, we are going to need a lift and where on earth would I put it? Right now, we are making this house work but for how long?
But 4 years ago, we weren't ready. There were too many unknowns. Too many uncertainties. We found a great realtor and she knew a builder who we were confident knew his stuff. We thought we had found the perfect place but when it came down to the details, we were scared that we couldn't make it work and decided to wait. We put together a plan and worked on it. And now, we are ready.
And now, we are scared again and just a little discouraged.
Jarrad said to me the other day that it would be so much easier if he wasn't paralyzed. And he is right. It would be. We wouldn't have to worry about stairs, flat lots, bathrooms. We would have found the perfect house about now. We wouldn't have to worry about floor plans and finding a 1 story house or finding a lot where we aren't on top of our neighbors. But we might not be looking for a house. The whole reason why we painted was to make this house more ours. I had accepted that we would stay here forever. It is March. We are 3 months into The Year of The House and I don't know how much we have accomplished. I was kind of hoping it would only be one year. I was excited for it to be only one year but the reality of it is that it might be 2 or 3 years.
A year seems like a long time when you are ready to begin.
But I always like the idea of the year cycles. Not only do you have a different animal every 12 years but there is a different element too. This year is that of the fire rooster. Not sure what that means, but it is interesting. A whole year of something. Not like the Greek and Roman horoscopes that only give you 30 ish days but a whole year. It makes you think that time is precious and should be savored. I know, that seems . . . odd. To savor a year. But maybe it is because we get everything so quickly that the idea of a whole year seems different.
We do get things quickly. That is why it is hard to wait. And hard when the waiting is over.
4 years ago, we decided we needed a new house. We tried to make this one work and it does. It works. But not forever. The ramp is long and when Jarrad is tired, he has a hard time pushing up and we only have the one exit for him. I suppose I could try to throw him out a window in case of emergency but I really don't see that happening. He can get in and out of the house by himself but it requires some effort. He can't really cook and he can't get the mail. He can't really get into the kids rooms and he has no place to work. As we look at getting older too, we are going to need a lift and where on earth would I put it? Right now, we are making this house work but for how long?
But 4 years ago, we weren't ready. There were too many unknowns. Too many uncertainties. We found a great realtor and she knew a builder who we were confident knew his stuff. We thought we had found the perfect place but when it came down to the details, we were scared that we couldn't make it work and decided to wait. We put together a plan and worked on it. And now, we are ready.
And now, we are scared again and just a little discouraged.
Jarrad said to me the other day that it would be so much easier if he wasn't paralyzed. And he is right. It would be. We wouldn't have to worry about stairs, flat lots, bathrooms. We would have found the perfect house about now. We wouldn't have to worry about floor plans and finding a 1 story house or finding a lot where we aren't on top of our neighbors. But we might not be looking for a house. The whole reason why we painted was to make this house more ours. I had accepted that we would stay here forever. It is March. We are 3 months into The Year of The House and I don't know how much we have accomplished. I was kind of hoping it would only be one year. I was excited for it to be only one year but the reality of it is that it might be 2 or 3 years.
A year seems like a long time when you are ready to begin.
Monday, December 19, 2016
That stupid elf....
We spent Saturday holiday shopping. We had our usual leisurely Saturday morning and then headed out to the mall a week before Christmas! Yes, I know but I never claimed to be brilliant. We went to Barnes and Noble, Target (every lane was open), and Kohl's. While waiting in line at Kohl's, Sam asked why we didn't have an elf. You know, that little doll that is styled like something from my Great Grandmother's childhood? The one with the mitten-ed hands and slightly psychotic expression that makes you want to walk backwards out of the room.
It isn't the first time he has asked that question about why we don't have an elf. This time, it was prompted by the lady in front of us who was carrying an elf "pet" (there is a pet now???). The conversation went something like this:
"Mommy, why don't we have an elf?"
"That's because I signed us up for the co operative plan." (The lady in front of me sniggers.)
"What does mean?"
"It means that we share an elf with several families. There is one elf that keeps watch on a bunch of families and he is invisible. Besides, do you think Mommy would be on the nice list if she had to clean up all the messes that an elf would make? You know how crazy Mommy gets when you leave messes. The elf would drive mommy even more crazy!"
This is where the lady in front turns and says, "Actually, it is the shining list." REALLY, lady I don't know, really? I know you are laughing at this tale that I am spinning for my son and I may be adding more to contribute to your amusement but since I am clearly avoiding this brand new modern addition to what contributes to the craziness of this holiday season, why are you trying to sabotage my explanation? Instead you should be applauding me for not being sucked into - the first year is cute, -the second year, still fun - but by the third year, you are kicking yourself for it - phenomenon.
The side conversation going over his head, literally, Sam continues. "If the elf isn't there all the time, how does he know when you are being good or bad?"
"That is because he contracts out to your stuffties. Instead of just the month of December, the stuffties watch you all year long."
Satisfied with the explanation, Sam turns to annoying his sister.
I know that if we had an elf, it wouldn't be forever that I would have to come up with new and creative ways for the elf to be naughty or whatever the reason why the elf does things at night. I know that soon, the magic of Christmas will be gone. I know that the kids won't always want to write letters to Santa. I know that they won't always be excited to see if the reindeers' hooves left glitter on the driveway. I know that this isn't forever. So I know that the stupid elf would be a limited time and the kids would have a good memory of their childhood if we had an elf. But I also know that they already have good memories and traditions that they can share when they have children of their own. One of those memories will be of mommy NOT going crazy with the elf!
It isn't the first time he has asked that question about why we don't have an elf. This time, it was prompted by the lady in front of us who was carrying an elf "pet" (there is a pet now???). The conversation went something like this:
"Mommy, why don't we have an elf?"
"That's because I signed us up for the co operative plan." (The lady in front of me sniggers.)
"What does mean?"
"It means that we share an elf with several families. There is one elf that keeps watch on a bunch of families and he is invisible. Besides, do you think Mommy would be on the nice list if she had to clean up all the messes that an elf would make? You know how crazy Mommy gets when you leave messes. The elf would drive mommy even more crazy!"
This is where the lady in front turns and says, "Actually, it is the shining list." REALLY, lady I don't know, really? I know you are laughing at this tale that I am spinning for my son and I may be adding more to contribute to your amusement but since I am clearly avoiding this brand new modern addition to what contributes to the craziness of this holiday season, why are you trying to sabotage my explanation? Instead you should be applauding me for not being sucked into - the first year is cute, -the second year, still fun - but by the third year, you are kicking yourself for it - phenomenon.
The side conversation going over his head, literally, Sam continues. "If the elf isn't there all the time, how does he know when you are being good or bad?"
"That is because he contracts out to your stuffties. Instead of just the month of December, the stuffties watch you all year long."
Satisfied with the explanation, Sam turns to annoying his sister.
I know that if we had an elf, it wouldn't be forever that I would have to come up with new and creative ways for the elf to be naughty or whatever the reason why the elf does things at night. I know that soon, the magic of Christmas will be gone. I know that the kids won't always want to write letters to Santa. I know that they won't always be excited to see if the reindeers' hooves left glitter on the driveway. I know that this isn't forever. So I know that the stupid elf would be a limited time and the kids would have a good memory of their childhood if we had an elf. But I also know that they already have good memories and traditions that they can share when they have children of their own. One of those memories will be of mommy NOT going crazy with the elf!
Tuesday, November 1, 2016
Big Numbers
10 years ago at this time, I had a new born.
I had been a mom for a total of 4 days and I was exhausted. The no sleep schedule, the nursing, the sticky poopy diapers. The pain from a c-section. The what-was-I-thinking? I-don't-know-what-I-am-doing moments. But somehow, I made it to 10 years. A whole decade. And somewhere along the line, I must have thought I had a handle on it because I did the whole no sleep, nursing, sticky poopy diaper c-section thing AGAIN!
10 years.
So how do you celebrate a decade of life? 2 words: Room Makeover!
Yep, for Emma's 10th, she got a new room. Goodbye bugs and princesses. Hello tweenager room! This was her present (and a slumber party with some friends).
So why? Well, when I was in 9th? grade, I went away for a week and when I came back, my folks had redone my room and it was awesome! Jarrad remembers his folks getting a bonus and he got to pick out a new bedroom set. We decided we wanted to create that type of memory for our kids too and you know, they have more than enough stuff!
Enter Pinterest. So. many. ideas! Jarrad had to pull me back; otherwise, I would keep going. And I was pleased that Emma really got into it too. She really wanted to help design and she did but I kept a lot a secret. I let her pick out the colors and help paint. We went fabric shopping and talked about what she liked and didn't like.
We are both pretty pleased with the results.
I love before and afters sooo....
This was her nursery. And then, it became her "big girl" room.
BEFORE - the big girl room:
You can see some of what we did before. There are paint samples on the wall and I had already painted her dresser - Black Pearl.
And now, the after:
Dad made the bookshelf. It comes apart so when she gets a bigger bed, she can keep this. The shelves are adjustable and he cut notches for cords. There is also a bed light that she can turn on. The jewelry frames are peg board and recycled frames from The Scrap Exchange. I used knobs we had, glued sequins to IKEA knobs and spray painted ones from Hobby Lobby. I bought the laser cutouts from Michael's. Emma has 2 copies of Emma by Jane Austen from Litographs.
Spray paint is awesome! Everything that I could paint, I did. From frames, to lamp shades to well, just everything.
I had a lot of fun doing this. She enjoyed what I allowed her to partake in and really loves the final product. Which is good, because this is it for the next 8 years!
I had been a mom for a total of 4 days and I was exhausted. The no sleep schedule, the nursing, the sticky poopy diapers. The pain from a c-section. The what-was-I-thinking? I-don't-know-what-I-am-doing moments. But somehow, I made it to 10 years. A whole decade. And somewhere along the line, I must have thought I had a handle on it because I did the whole no sleep, nursing, sticky poopy diaper c-section thing AGAIN!
10 years.
So how do you celebrate a decade of life? 2 words: Room Makeover!
Yep, for Emma's 10th, she got a new room. Goodbye bugs and princesses. Hello tweenager room! This was her present (and a slumber party with some friends).
So why? Well, when I was in 9th? grade, I went away for a week and when I came back, my folks had redone my room and it was awesome! Jarrad remembers his folks getting a bonus and he got to pick out a new bedroom set. We decided we wanted to create that type of memory for our kids too and you know, they have more than enough stuff!
Enter Pinterest. So. many. ideas! Jarrad had to pull me back; otherwise, I would keep going. And I was pleased that Emma really got into it too. She really wanted to help design and she did but I kept a lot a secret. I let her pick out the colors and help paint. We went fabric shopping and talked about what she liked and didn't like.
We are both pretty pleased with the results.
I love before and afters sooo....
BEFORE - the big girl room:
You can see some of what we did before. There are paint samples on the wall and I had already painted her dresser - Black Pearl.
And now, the after:
Emma picked out the sheer fabric at Joanne's. The bedding was a surprise. She wanted paisley and I found this on sale at Target.
I had a lot of fun doing this. She enjoyed what I allowed her to partake in and really loves the final product. Which is good, because this is it for the next 8 years! Friday, July 29, 2016
and then...
There is a phrase "they dropped a bomb". It means to say something so world changing, so explosive that it leaves everyone broken.But where is the phrase that means you want to tell people something but don't know how to say it because you can't really start a conversation with it as there is no transition and then you are left with awkwardness because no one knows how to transition away from it?
That's what this post is. I have told 5 people. All wonderful friends and I don't know how to tell or what to say after I receive the genuine emotion.
I just feel awkward.
And sad.
My mother in law passed late Wednesday.
I am glad we went to see her last week. It seems so weird that last week, we saw her, talked with her. Hugged her. I helped her to change one day and she asked me what Jarrad had gotten me for our 8th anniversary (its been 12 years). I showed her the ear rings and bracelet I was wearing. She said he did well.
She was a woman who loved her son. She spoiled him by making his favorite dishes when she came. She had a kind heart and couldn't sit still for long. She always wanted to help - even when I didn't want her too! She taught me that wearing an apron is always a good idea! She was sociable and knew how to make small talk - I guess that comes with being a minister's wife. She was always concerned with the comfort of others. She could be quite stubborn.
I can't tell you how many times she changed her name but it was a few and I thought that was cool. I asked her once what her original hair color was - and she said she couldn't remember! She always wanted to bake or cook with the kids because that is what she had done with her grandmother. We didn't always see eye to eye and I am sure that she could be as frustrated with me as I was with her at times. But we had one very important thing in common, we both loved Jarrad and wanted him to be happy.
She was my husband's mother. She was my children's Nana. She will be missed.
Wednesday, July 27, 2016
How do you get rid of a whale?
Sometimes, you are faced with a situation. It seems huge and you don't even know where to begin. Back after our Disney trip (I need to finish that...), we got news that my mother in law was failing. We had known that she had been diagnosed with a rare disease - Amyloidosis. What we didn't know was how quickly it would progress. What we also didn't know was that Jarrad's company was going to sell his division and that there would be changes in how vacation was doled out. In short, he had to fight and go above his superior's head in order to get the vacation time that he had put in for long before there was even a hint of a buy out. But that also meant that he went "in the hole" for 3 months. Which meant that he had no vacation time to use to go and see his mom. I am giving you the short version and it was not pretty. Why do we have to fight for the "privilege" of being with our families? You ever see that commercial where the kids are asking for one more day? It isn't that parents don't want to take one more day, it is because they aren't ALLOWED to!
But, I am getting off topic. And if I seem frustrated - I am!
However, because of the buy out, there was restructuring - yeah! - and Jarrad has a new boss. This one is a bit more compassionate and seems to have common sense. This one found out what was going on and said that he was ok if Jarrad did his work in the car or after "normal" business hours (and since they have clients on the west coast, well, normal has a broad definition). Because of that, we were able to traverse 7 states, 32 driving hours and 10 days in order for Jarrad to see his mom and say good bye. We combined it with a trip for a family reunion on my side since it would save us a whole 2 hours to leave from PA.
Huh, that means that it was 36 hours of driving...
We tried to turn it into a road trip of sorts. We would drive for about 3 or 4 hours, stop at a museum for an hour or 2 and drive a couple of more hours to a hotel. Jarrad would stretch out, find and order dinner and the kids and I would unpack. Get up the next morning and repeat.
We are now Hilton Honors "Blue" Members! Only 14 more stays and we upgrade to "Silver".
Whoo hoo!
What did we learn?
1. That I need to evaluate my packing system that has worked for the past 4 years because the kids are getting older and can help.
2. That road trips aren't as bad as I was dreading if they are broken into chunks.
3. That I love my bed.
4. That people be crazy when they be driving!
5. That I miss my bed.
6. That there are some really cool places to stop and visit on the way.
7. That we are "cool" Auntie and Uncle.
8. I really, really love my bed!
We tried to be upbeat? adventurous? about the trip. Hence the stops to sight see. But the point of the trip was for Jarrad got to spend time with his mom. It was hard to see her. She was tiny to begin with and now, she is smaller still. Hospice has told my sister in law that the body knows how to die. There is even a pamphlet. We know about the cycles of grief and that the cycles don't go in order nor do they end. We have all this knowledge but the reality is something different. It comes in waves and sometimes, it leaves a whale on the beach.
But, I am getting off topic. And if I seem frustrated - I am!
However, because of the buy out, there was restructuring - yeah! - and Jarrad has a new boss. This one is a bit more compassionate and seems to have common sense. This one found out what was going on and said that he was ok if Jarrad did his work in the car or after "normal" business hours (and since they have clients on the west coast, well, normal has a broad definition). Because of that, we were able to traverse 7 states, 32 driving hours and 10 days in order for Jarrad to see his mom and say good bye. We combined it with a trip for a family reunion on my side since it would save us a whole 2 hours to leave from PA.
Huh, that means that it was 36 hours of driving...
We tried to turn it into a road trip of sorts. We would drive for about 3 or 4 hours, stop at a museum for an hour or 2 and drive a couple of more hours to a hotel. Jarrad would stretch out, find and order dinner and the kids and I would unpack. Get up the next morning and repeat.
We are now Hilton Honors "Blue" Members! Only 14 more stays and we upgrade to "Silver".
Whoo hoo!
What did we learn?
1. That I need to evaluate my packing system that has worked for the past 4 years because the kids are getting older and can help.
2. That road trips aren't as bad as I was dreading if they are broken into chunks.
3. That I love my bed.
4. That people be crazy when they be driving!
5. That I miss my bed.
6. That there are some really cool places to stop and visit on the way.
7. That we are "cool" Auntie and Uncle.
8. I really, really love my bed!
We tried to be upbeat? adventurous? about the trip. Hence the stops to sight see. But the point of the trip was for Jarrad got to spend time with his mom. It was hard to see her. She was tiny to begin with and now, she is smaller still. Hospice has told my sister in law that the body knows how to die. There is even a pamphlet. We know about the cycles of grief and that the cycles don't go in order nor do they end. We have all this knowledge but the reality is something different. It comes in waves and sometimes, it leaves a whale on the beach.
Friday, May 27, 2016
just a bit upset.
Yesterday, I posted an article on my Facebook page about the movie Me Before You. It is a big deal in my community. You know - spouses and SO's of wheelers. It is big because it is about a guy in a wheelchair and he decides his life is not worth living. It is being touted as a romance with descriptors such as:
"Experience life, laughter, and love in the year's biggest romantic event."
These descriptors are rubbish.
A couple of friends commented and said that they had no idea what the movie was about other than a romance but after reading the article I shared, they were glad to know. And then my mom called. She asked what the movie was about as she had been planning on going to see it. And I started to cry.
No, Nope, Never. Don't. Just don't.
If you must go see this movie, go right ahead. Fair warning - don't talk to me about it and don't you dare tell me that it was inspiring or wonderful or whatever crap (and I am being polite here) comment you want to make about it. You have been warned and I have every right to let lose a whole lot of hurt on you. In fact, here is a preview!
First, there is the title. ME Before you. Emphasis added. Just let that sink in for a bit...
Did that make a connection for you about the content of this book? Do you need to think about it some more?
Second, When I was working at the library, this book was checked out a lot. Not a big fan of romance, I passed it by but then I thought that I should expand my repertoire so that I could be better at my job so I picked the popular book up and causally asked my co worker if she had read it. To which she said that if I did not put it down right now, she would smack it out of my hand and I was not to read that book. Or something to that effect. Since I didn't want to upset her, I put it away and waited till she went home to check it out. I started to read it and understood what she meant.
BECAUSE it is NOT a love story. He commits suicide! He doesn't choose to "live boldly, live well, just live". He "loves" her sooo much that he is kills himself so he won't be a "burden" to her. This is a book about suicide. About how this wealthy quadriplegic cannot see how he can have anything to offer - to Louisa, his family or the world in general.
I think that I have some strong emotions about this book and movie. Especially when compared to the Christopher Reeve book Still Me. It has been a couple of years since I read Still Me but the the title comes from a time in Christopher's life after his accident where he discussed with Dana how he was going to be a burden to her and maybe he should just die. She told him that he was still him and the person that she loved. And he realized that she loved him - not his body and he still had a lot to offer. He chose to live. Boldly and well.
I think that I have strong emotions about this book and movie because I would be lying to you if this topic of "it would be better if..." was not discussed in some form or fashion in every wheeler house. It was discussed in ours. And crushed and never brought up again.
Because a true love story is one where you get up every morning and go to work. A love story is about living because to do otherwise would crush the very ones you profess to love (And now is where you contemplate the title again).
There are some critics who say that my community has no right to get in a twist about a fictional account. The thing is, to us, it is not fiction. It is real and to have our choice to live boldly and well and to just live portrayed as the lesser choice is insulting. We live it; we know. If you don't know what it is to live this life, you do not get to "romanticize" it.
"Young and quirky Louisa "Lou" Clark (Emilia Clarke) moves from one
job
to the next to help her family make ends meet. Her cheerful
attitude is put
to the test when she becomes a caregiver for Will
Traynor (Sam Claflin),
a wealthy young banker left paralyzed from an
accident two years earlier.
Will's cynical outlook
starts to change when Louisa shows him that life is
worth living. As
their bond deepens, their lives and hearts change in ways
neither one
could have imagined."
and"Experience life, laughter, and love in the year's biggest romantic event."
These descriptors are rubbish.
A couple of friends commented and said that they had no idea what the movie was about other than a romance but after reading the article I shared, they were glad to know. And then my mom called. She asked what the movie was about as she had been planning on going to see it. And I started to cry.
No, Nope, Never. Don't. Just don't.
If you must go see this movie, go right ahead. Fair warning - don't talk to me about it and don't you dare tell me that it was inspiring or wonderful or whatever crap (and I am being polite here) comment you want to make about it. You have been warned and I have every right to let lose a whole lot of hurt on you. In fact, here is a preview!
First, there is the title. ME Before you. Emphasis added. Just let that sink in for a bit...
Did that make a connection for you about the content of this book? Do you need to think about it some more?
Second, When I was working at the library, this book was checked out a lot. Not a big fan of romance, I passed it by but then I thought that I should expand my repertoire so that I could be better at my job so I picked the popular book up and causally asked my co worker if she had read it. To which she said that if I did not put it down right now, she would smack it out of my hand and I was not to read that book. Or something to that effect. Since I didn't want to upset her, I put it away and waited till she went home to check it out. I started to read it and understood what she meant.
BECAUSE it is NOT a love story. He commits suicide! He doesn't choose to "live boldly, live well, just live". He "loves" her sooo much that he is kills himself so he won't be a "burden" to her. This is a book about suicide. About how this wealthy quadriplegic cannot see how he can have anything to offer - to Louisa, his family or the world in general.
I think that I have some strong emotions about this book and movie. Especially when compared to the Christopher Reeve book Still Me. It has been a couple of years since I read Still Me but the the title comes from a time in Christopher's life after his accident where he discussed with Dana how he was going to be a burden to her and maybe he should just die. She told him that he was still him and the person that she loved. And he realized that she loved him - not his body and he still had a lot to offer. He chose to live. Boldly and well.
I think that I have strong emotions about this book and movie because I would be lying to you if this topic of "it would be better if..." was not discussed in some form or fashion in every wheeler house. It was discussed in ours. And crushed and never brought up again.
Because a true love story is one where you get up every morning and go to work. A love story is about living because to do otherwise would crush the very ones you profess to love (And now is where you contemplate the title again).
There are some critics who say that my community has no right to get in a twist about a fictional account. The thing is, to us, it is not fiction. It is real and to have our choice to live boldly and well and to just live portrayed as the lesser choice is insulting. We live it; we know. If you don't know what it is to live this life, you do not get to "romanticize" it.
Wednesday, May 18, 2016
the day before
Last week, Sam turned 7.
"Hey Buddy, last night you went to sleep as a 6 year old. Tonight, you go to sleep as a 7 year old! Will you wake up as an 8?"
"No, Mommy, I think I will sleep till 9."
The kids like for us to play the "__ years ago at this time" game. It is a way to tell stories about them and they love stories. It is a way to remember what happened. The good - got a little boy; the bad - he drives me crazy some days; the ugly - it was a very rough delivery. Very.
Sam's birthday is always fun. He just loves presents but for us, it is a bit hard. You see, 4 years ago, we went to the zoo for his birthday and then a week later, Jarrad fell and was paralyzed. 4 years ago today, my husband was at work and he was walking. 4 years ago tomorrow, at 2:30, I will be calling for an ambulance to come. 4 years ago tomorrow, our lives will change forever.
Sam snuggled with Jarrad on his birthday and told him that sometimes he is sad. He is sad because daddy can't walk. He doesn't show it a lot but I know it bothers him. It bothers Emma. It bothers me. Jarrad hugged him and said that it made him sad too. What else can you do but to validate feelings?
I think every year gets a bit easier. This year, I didn't start the emotional game until today. I think that is progress. But I know that every year, May 19th is going to hurt. It is going to hurt a lot. No matter what I do or what I try, this day will always be hard.
"Hey Buddy, last night you went to sleep as a 6 year old. Tonight, you go to sleep as a 7 year old! Will you wake up as an 8?"
"No, Mommy, I think I will sleep till 9."
The kids like for us to play the "__ years ago at this time" game. It is a way to tell stories about them and they love stories. It is a way to remember what happened. The good - got a little boy; the bad - he drives me crazy some days; the ugly - it was a very rough delivery. Very.
Sam's birthday is always fun. He just loves presents but for us, it is a bit hard. You see, 4 years ago, we went to the zoo for his birthday and then a week later, Jarrad fell and was paralyzed. 4 years ago today, my husband was at work and he was walking. 4 years ago tomorrow, at 2:30, I will be calling for an ambulance to come. 4 years ago tomorrow, our lives will change forever.
Sam snuggled with Jarrad on his birthday and told him that sometimes he is sad. He is sad because daddy can't walk. He doesn't show it a lot but I know it bothers him. It bothers Emma. It bothers me. Jarrad hugged him and said that it made him sad too. What else can you do but to validate feelings?
I think every year gets a bit easier. This year, I didn't start the emotional game until today. I think that is progress. But I know that every year, May 19th is going to hurt. It is going to hurt a lot. No matter what I do or what I try, this day will always be hard.
Thursday, April 14, 2016
To make matters worse....
I am angry so instead of eating my feelings, I am going to write them. I have been thinking over the past couple of days about if I was right to resign. Maybe I should have waited to see what would have happened that I forgot a simple fact:
The man removed me from the schedule completely. With no explanation - not to my manager, not to me - 3 times he told me that there was no position for me. What other recourse did I have but to go to HR?
And then we have the meeting and he still never answered the question! He started in with I was unprofessional and no one wanted to work with me.
Now I hear that he found me rude and disruptive in meetings. He says it was that way from the first time we met and that I was on a personal call (oh the horror!! How dare I take a personal call!) and he was surprised to find me where I was.
Ah, no.
1. He called 30 minutes before closing. He knew I was there.
2. He came 5 minutes before closing and yes, I was on the phone trying to get a hold of Jarrad because the kids were supposed to be getting off the bus.
3. Jarrad had just got out of the hospital from kidney failure that had him incoherent and was on heavy antibiotics so when he didn't pick up, I was freaking out. And it was 5 minutes before closing and NO ONE WAS THERE!
4. Was not the first time that we had met. Unless he wants to discount the staff meeting where he introduced himself and then dismissed us or the time he came to tour my home branch but hey, it is all about perspective.
I will give him that I was "rude" to him. He did nothing to endear himself to me. I did tell him that I didn't trust him BECAUSE I did not know him (hint - show up dude and figure out who we are) or what his plan for the library was. Yes, libraries have vision plans. Libraries aren't just about books. He said he had a plan - I waited and got nothing.
I will give him that I was rude because I am a northerner - what southerners see as rudeness, we see as reserve and frankness. However, I have been given compliments about my friendliness from true southerners so maybe it is just people who come in and move the whole damn kitchen! Sorry, another speech where he said he wasn't going to move the coffee pot. It was a metaphor that said he wasn't going to change things; he was going to see how things worked. He left the coffee pot - he moved the kitchen. Yeah, I think I had trust issues.
And yet, all this could have been avoided if he had simply told me why I was off the schedule. He never did. And now he is spinning this as I am unprofessional and difficult to work with and rude.
When the kids come home and say "Mommy, Daddy, someone said this about me or called me this" We ask them if that person spoke truth. They always answer no. And we tell them then that person lied and the truth will come out.
Man, it sucks when you have to practice what you preach.
Just keep repeating - karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma
The man removed me from the schedule completely. With no explanation - not to my manager, not to me - 3 times he told me that there was no position for me. What other recourse did I have but to go to HR?
And then we have the meeting and he still never answered the question! He started in with I was unprofessional and no one wanted to work with me.
Now I hear that he found me rude and disruptive in meetings. He says it was that way from the first time we met and that I was on a personal call (oh the horror!! How dare I take a personal call!) and he was surprised to find me where I was.
Ah, no.
1. He called 30 minutes before closing. He knew I was there.
2. He came 5 minutes before closing and yes, I was on the phone trying to get a hold of Jarrad because the kids were supposed to be getting off the bus.
3. Jarrad had just got out of the hospital from kidney failure that had him incoherent and was on heavy antibiotics so when he didn't pick up, I was freaking out. And it was 5 minutes before closing and NO ONE WAS THERE!
4. Was not the first time that we had met. Unless he wants to discount the staff meeting where he introduced himself and then dismissed us or the time he came to tour my home branch but hey, it is all about perspective.
I will give him that I was "rude" to him. He did nothing to endear himself to me. I did tell him that I didn't trust him BECAUSE I did not know him (hint - show up dude and figure out who we are) or what his plan for the library was. Yes, libraries have vision plans. Libraries aren't just about books. He said he had a plan - I waited and got nothing.
I will give him that I was rude because I am a northerner - what southerners see as rudeness, we see as reserve and frankness. However, I have been given compliments about my friendliness from true southerners so maybe it is just people who come in and move the whole damn kitchen! Sorry, another speech where he said he wasn't going to move the coffee pot. It was a metaphor that said he wasn't going to change things; he was going to see how things worked. He left the coffee pot - he moved the kitchen. Yeah, I think I had trust issues.
And yet, all this could have been avoided if he had simply told me why I was off the schedule. He never did. And now he is spinning this as I am unprofessional and difficult to work with and rude.
When the kids come home and say "Mommy, Daddy, someone said this about me or called me this" We ask them if that person spoke truth. They always answer no. And we tell them then that person lied and the truth will come out.
Man, it sucks when you have to practice what you preach.
Just keep repeating - karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma
Tuesday, April 12, 2016
reputation
When I was an adolescent, I went to sleep away camp. I loved it. It was fun. I am not exactly an outdoorsy person but there is something about sleep away camps that is unique and just a great experience. One year when I was about 14, there was this boy. He told the boys in his cabin that we had gone into the woods and I let him touch me. I found out about it because one of the guys in the cabin told me that this boy said that. I remember being horrified. The guy who was my friend told me not to worry. That the 3 other guys he was talking to laughed at him and told him that would never have happened.
I learned two things that day:
1. That I had the reputation of being an ice queen.
2. Reputation matters.
I have lived in this area for 14 years. I know who I am - I know my faults. I like to hear about gossip - it is my soap opera. I don't keep secrets - too much pressure and I make mistakes and hurt people. I don't always think before I speak so I hurt people's feelings. I can come across as unapproachable. Sometimes I stumble over my words and am not as precise in language as I expect others to be. Ironic for one who taught English.
But I also know my good qualities - I am compassionate. I listen. I try to help where I can. I am learning to control my faults. I am loyal. I am a good friend. I do my tasks to the best of my abilities. I am laid back and don't seek the limelight or the accolades of others. I like knowing if I do a good job (we all do) but I am not going to pout if I don't get a parade. I know that if you were to ask people in the community, they would only say positive things about me.
That is why today was hard. I sat in a meeting today where someone accused me of being difficult to work - I was told that my coworkers said this about me. I tried not to laugh because I know that they did not. I am that sure of my reputation. If anything, they would say I was too chatty when I should just check out books! I was told that I was unprofessional. Again, I find that funny. Again, I am pretty sure that I would be told I chat too much by patrons. I was told that I created drama. While I like to listen to far away drama, I mean, come on, I READ, of course I like drama; I certainly don't like to be a part of it. It is too painful and I have had my share of it. I am done with being a part of the drama!
I sat there and was told that this person had to put up with it for 9 months. That I - a part time person - bragged to others about how I was making life difficult for the director. While I am sure of my reputation, I am not sure how I could have made life difficult for someone several pay grades ahead of me.
Yes, I did defend myself and admitted to certain parts of his grievances against me. I did talk to a board member. Once. I did not make the director's life miserable - how could I? WHAT could I have possibly done or said to do that?
Finally I turned to HR and said that I knew how this was going to go. It was going to be a case of he said/she said. And while I am sure that my "said" would be verified, I am also sure that I was a part time employee. I told HR that HR would be back in this situation again. That I knew what his recommendation would be and I had to do my part and resign before I was fired. I just wanted to make sure that my record of what happened would go in his file so that it would add veracity for the next person that is "difficult" to work with.
I am sad. I loved my job. It was a way for me to make a really small amount of money that allowed us to save for Disney. It allowed us to pay off hospital bills and let us provide extras for the kids. It allowed us to not worry about medications that were expensive. It gave us breathing room. It is not critical that I find another job right now. It would be difficult to find a job that gave the amount of flexibility that this one did for child care and doctor's visits. This job was perfect. The people were great and I worked with books! AWESOME!
I am angry that something I loved is being effected by this person. I had hoped that I could have made a difference and I wouldn't have to give up something I enjoyed. I know that I have done what I could but it doesn't seem enough because he is still there and who will he turn on next? I feel helpless and I just don't know what to do now.
I learned two things that day:
1. That I had the reputation of being an ice queen.
2. Reputation matters.
I have lived in this area for 14 years. I know who I am - I know my faults. I like to hear about gossip - it is my soap opera. I don't keep secrets - too much pressure and I make mistakes and hurt people. I don't always think before I speak so I hurt people's feelings. I can come across as unapproachable. Sometimes I stumble over my words and am not as precise in language as I expect others to be. Ironic for one who taught English.
But I also know my good qualities - I am compassionate. I listen. I try to help where I can. I am learning to control my faults. I am loyal. I am a good friend. I do my tasks to the best of my abilities. I am laid back and don't seek the limelight or the accolades of others. I like knowing if I do a good job (we all do) but I am not going to pout if I don't get a parade. I know that if you were to ask people in the community, they would only say positive things about me.
That is why today was hard. I sat in a meeting today where someone accused me of being difficult to work - I was told that my coworkers said this about me. I tried not to laugh because I know that they did not. I am that sure of my reputation. If anything, they would say I was too chatty when I should just check out books! I was told that I was unprofessional. Again, I find that funny. Again, I am pretty sure that I would be told I chat too much by patrons. I was told that I created drama. While I like to listen to far away drama, I mean, come on, I READ, of course I like drama; I certainly don't like to be a part of it. It is too painful and I have had my share of it. I am done with being a part of the drama!
I sat there and was told that this person had to put up with it for 9 months. That I - a part time person - bragged to others about how I was making life difficult for the director. While I am sure of my reputation, I am not sure how I could have made life difficult for someone several pay grades ahead of me.
Yes, I did defend myself and admitted to certain parts of his grievances against me. I did talk to a board member. Once. I did not make the director's life miserable - how could I? WHAT could I have possibly done or said to do that?
Finally I turned to HR and said that I knew how this was going to go. It was going to be a case of he said/she said. And while I am sure that my "said" would be verified, I am also sure that I was a part time employee. I told HR that HR would be back in this situation again. That I knew what his recommendation would be and I had to do my part and resign before I was fired. I just wanted to make sure that my record of what happened would go in his file so that it would add veracity for the next person that is "difficult" to work with.
I am sad. I loved my job. It was a way for me to make a really small amount of money that allowed us to save for Disney. It allowed us to pay off hospital bills and let us provide extras for the kids. It allowed us to not worry about medications that were expensive. It gave us breathing room. It is not critical that I find another job right now. It would be difficult to find a job that gave the amount of flexibility that this one did for child care and doctor's visits. This job was perfect. The people were great and I worked with books! AWESOME!
I am angry that something I loved is being effected by this person. I had hoped that I could have made a difference and I wouldn't have to give up something I enjoyed. I know that I have done what I could but it doesn't seem enough because he is still there and who will he turn on next? I feel helpless and I just don't know what to do now.
Wednesday, April 6, 2016
bullies
We tell our children to stand up to bullies. We try to protect them from bullies. And with each generation, there is more to protect them from. And with every generation, there are new and different ways of the same old bullying. And somewhere along the line, we think that bullies stay in childhood. We forget that bullies grow up. Sometimes, they mature and change their ways and other times they turn into abusers and create new bullies in their image and other times they become more subtle.
2 years ago, I got the perfect part time job. A job that I loved. I got a compassionate manager and fantastic co workers. The pay wasn't much but it was enough to cover extra expenses.
And then things changed.
A bully was hired. I call him a bully because that is what he is. It is subtle. But the comments made, the phrases are enough that you are left going, huh? What? Did he just say what I think he did?
Right now, I am not working. I was on the schedule and in the course of 24 hours, I was off. All I was told was that there "is no position" for me. I feel like this is punishment but I am not sure what for. If I were to guess, it would be because I questioned the director. I confronted him and he didn't like it.
I went to HR and reported it and was told that it wasn't punishment. Surprisingly, HR was told the it was to be a reduction of hours. Hmmm. They were also told that this was a temporary schedule. Hmmm. I don't think HR knows what is going on. I also don't think that the director thought that I would go to HR. Hmmm. I do my job; I do it well. I am polite and friendly. I do what is asked and more. I am also not the newest person on staff so . . .
Apparently, there is supposed to be a meeting next week. I would like to think that I would get some answers but if it follows the pattern it has before, I won't get anything. It makes me sad because I know my time at the library is limited. I know that if I do stay, I will be penalized. It will be subtle but it will happen. I might be fired just because he can.
I love my job. I love the people I work with. I love the little bit of extra money that allows us to breathe and dream and hope. I am scared of what will happen. But this person already bullied 2 others into leaving and I guess I am next. If I can, hopefully, I can add to the process of getting rid of him because no one deserves to be treated this way.
2 years ago, I got the perfect part time job. A job that I loved. I got a compassionate manager and fantastic co workers. The pay wasn't much but it was enough to cover extra expenses.
And then things changed.
A bully was hired. I call him a bully because that is what he is. It is subtle. But the comments made, the phrases are enough that you are left going, huh? What? Did he just say what I think he did?
Right now, I am not working. I was on the schedule and in the course of 24 hours, I was off. All I was told was that there "is no position" for me. I feel like this is punishment but I am not sure what for. If I were to guess, it would be because I questioned the director. I confronted him and he didn't like it.
I went to HR and reported it and was told that it wasn't punishment. Surprisingly, HR was told the it was to be a reduction of hours. Hmmm. They were also told that this was a temporary schedule. Hmmm. I don't think HR knows what is going on. I also don't think that the director thought that I would go to HR. Hmmm. I do my job; I do it well. I am polite and friendly. I do what is asked and more. I am also not the newest person on staff so . . .
Apparently, there is supposed to be a meeting next week. I would like to think that I would get some answers but if it follows the pattern it has before, I won't get anything. It makes me sad because I know my time at the library is limited. I know that if I do stay, I will be penalized. It will be subtle but it will happen. I might be fired just because he can.
I love my job. I love the people I work with. I love the little bit of extra money that allows us to breathe and dream and hope. I am scared of what will happen. But this person already bullied 2 others into leaving and I guess I am next. If I can, hopefully, I can add to the process of getting rid of him because no one deserves to be treated this way.
Monday, March 7, 2016
Disney - the plan
I like to plan. I like lists. I like long term goals. When I was pregnant with Sam, part of our birth strategy (ok, my birth strategy) was to plan a trip for Jarrad and I. It was something to take my mind off of mourning sickness and the birthing process. Sam was born in May of 2009. We went on a cruise in January of 2011. And I planned on it for then.
I am a planner.
About a year into our wheeling life, I had a bad day. This particular bad day involved me mourning the loss of our future. We had planned to do all these things with our kids - trips, experiences - to give them adventures. One of which was to take the kids to Walt Disney World. On this bad day, I was feeling hopeless but Jarrad refused to let me be hopeless and pushed me to plan for our trip. We figured out a base and we started to plan.
The first part of the planning was saving. Disney is expensive. Obviously. We saved for 3 years. I made lists, bookmarked websites, and figured out what we would need to make life comfortable for all of us, in particular, Jarrad. Then, last January, I started to do some serious research.
1. Unless you get great joy out of planning and booking your trip - GET A DISNEY PLANNER!!! I had all the fun of researching and planning but did not have the stress of getting on the internet at midnight to book restaurants and rides. I had access to expert advice from a reliable source and up to date information. Danielle was amazing! I jokingly called her my fairy godmother and she really was. When I freaked out, she was there to hold my hand. If we go again, I am booking my trip through her!
2. Pinterest is great. Make sure you check the dates of some of the sites as Disney is constantly changing and what 1 family did a year ago, is not going to be the same this year.
3. Ratings are all well and good but they are not the end all be all. Decide what is best for your family and enjoy your trip.
Those are my general tips and bit of advice. We were looking at this as a once in a life time trip. We went and we had fun. I do have some friends who go back every other year or so. I don't think that we will do that but I think at least one more trip is in our future! However, if it isn't, I am ok with that.
I am a planner.
About a year into our wheeling life, I had a bad day. This particular bad day involved me mourning the loss of our future. We had planned to do all these things with our kids - trips, experiences - to give them adventures. One of which was to take the kids to Walt Disney World. On this bad day, I was feeling hopeless but Jarrad refused to let me be hopeless and pushed me to plan for our trip. We figured out a base and we started to plan.
The first part of the planning was saving. Disney is expensive. Obviously. We saved for 3 years. I made lists, bookmarked websites, and figured out what we would need to make life comfortable for all of us, in particular, Jarrad. Then, last January, I started to do some serious research.
1. Unless you get great joy out of planning and booking your trip - GET A DISNEY PLANNER!!! I had all the fun of researching and planning but did not have the stress of getting on the internet at midnight to book restaurants and rides. I had access to expert advice from a reliable source and up to date information. Danielle was amazing! I jokingly called her my fairy godmother and she really was. When I freaked out, she was there to hold my hand. If we go again, I am booking my trip through her!
2. Pinterest is great. Make sure you check the dates of some of the sites as Disney is constantly changing and what 1 family did a year ago, is not going to be the same this year.
3. Ratings are all well and good but they are not the end all be all. Decide what is best for your family and enjoy your trip.
Those are my general tips and bit of advice. We were looking at this as a once in a life time trip. We went and we had fun. I do have some friends who go back every other year or so. I don't think that we will do that but I think at least one more trip is in our future! However, if it isn't, I am ok with that.
Thursday, December 24, 2015
Merry Christmas
It has been awhile since I posted. It has been crazy and busy! But tonight I am sitting and watching the U2 concert live from Paris (except that we recorded it). We had our Mexican dinner with our favorite family - a tradition is as long as our friendship. Santa has already visited and filled stockings, placed gifts under the tree and the reindeer have left their harness and the glitter from their hooves on the driveway. Cookies have been eaten and he has written his note of thanks. Something that he always does.My kids are getting older and the magic is fading. Next year, they might not believe but for now, we will spread the reindeer food, put out cookies and be amazed that we slept through all of it.
I keep the tree lights on all night. It makes it hard to sleep since the tree is right outside our room or maybe it is hard to sleep because instead sugarplums, I see lists and and did I do questions dancing in my head. But I remember the soft glow of the tree from my childhood so the lights stay on.
 |
| We are a Star Wars family |
We had a scavenger hunt put together by my folks that had us looking all over the house and shown a glaring light on my cleaning schedule (non existent) since I didn't find their clues! All the gifts are open and Sam has already put together one Lego set (of 3). Emma has started one of her books and put in a new set of earrings. And I get to read! Pretty much all day! Jarrad has a new game to play and music to listen to. Later, we will eat steak and have a desert buffet with friends.
Peace and joy are sometimes hard to find as adults. I think we find it in these moments of magic on Christmas day.
Thursday, August 27, 2015
Roller coasters
My emotions have been on a roller coaster for the past 3 weeks. I met my folks at IKEA for a hand off of children. They were taking the kids for another fun filled week! Doing things with my kids that I should be doing.
Emotional roller coaster #1. I am very glad that my kids have people in their lives that can take them so that they can have these experiences. But it is hard because these are things that Jarrad and I had always talked about doing. Ok, so we aren't big on camping and amusement parks but we did talk about doing these things ONCE just for the experience! And sure, there are things that we can still do but . . . Honestly, unless you are in this life, you won't understand and for me to explain it would be a enough for a couple of posts. It may seem like a cop out to say that but I refer you to my statement that unless you are in this life, you won't get it. You just won't. And I love you and I hope you never do.
So.
I had been looking forward to walking around the store and seeing all the neat things. But IKEA on a Saturday is CRAAAZY! And then I watched all of these couples and young families...Wow. Just a sucker punch of what should have been.
Emotional roller coaster #2. So I pulled a deep breath in and tried to move on - because that is what you have to do. Not should but have to do; to go into the past is a pathway to crazy town.
So I went to another version of crazy town and went far into the future! See, another lady in my support group lost her husband. Every 3 months or so, one of the wives or girlfriends will post that they are leaving the group because their loved one has died.
Jarrad hates it because I tend to get a little crazy. I get on him to update our "in the event of something bad happening" folder. But this time, I was more introspective. I contemplated my impending widowhood.
When you get married, you know in the back of your head the whole death till you part vow. But no one thinks about what it really means. At your wedding, it is romantic and sweet - you will be together for the rest of your life! Awww. You just don't think about that there will be death; as in, one of you will probably die before the other. If you do think about death, you picture Nicholas Sparks' The Notebook. At least, that is what we did. But when trauma happens, that idea of parting at death becomes less romantic and more real. The reality is that I will be a widow.
This roller coaster has no silver lining of gratefulness.
Which brings us to emotional roller coaster #3.
On Monday, Jarrad was admitted to the hospital for kidney failure.
He had been feeling off all weekend. I went to meet my folks to pick up the kids after their fun filled week. Monday came and he seemed fine if tired. I went to work. Usually, we touch base with each other during the day via text. He told me that the wheel chair guy was there and then sent me a weird text. So I texted back with "huh?"
Silence.
Sometimes, he is on a conference call and it takes a while for him to reply but after an hour and no response, I called. I called several times. Finally, I called a neighbor. She came over, woke him up and Jarrad called the doctor. They told him that he needed to be admitted.
Sidenote: The wheelchair guy left a note that said, "Mr. W, I couldn't wake you up. Please sign and send in these papers acknowledging receipt of parts."
WHO DOES THAT?
Fortunately, he was "by definition" in kidney failure. His creatinine levels were at 2.0. High normal is 1.3. Jarrad's levels prior to his taking the vancomycin were 0.7. He was taken off the vanco and flushed with saline.
And his levels dropped and he came home.
Even after you get off a roller coaster, you still have the elevated heart rate, the fight or flight response brought on by fear, and the the whiplash from all the ups and downs. It takes a while for all of those things to settle. And the more loops a roller coaster has, the longer it takes.
I hate roller coasters.
Sunday, August 2, 2015
The awkward introduction
It has been over three years since Jarrad was paralyzed. Most folks who know us - know our story but there are always new comers to our lives who don't. It makes for some awkward moments. I mean, how do you bring it up to new coworkers that your husband is paralyzed? How do you explain the answer to an innocent questions like - Have you gone/been? Do you? Why don't you? I could say yes (or no), but then there are the follow ups to that response and another question and, well, the list goes on. My husband is paralyzed doesn't naturally come up in conversation.
Most folks take it in stride - after you see it register on them. It is actually quite interesting as you can see the thoughts being processed. Sometimes, that is all there is but eventually, there are questions. I never mind answering them. I was, am (?) a teacher. I believe in answering inquiry.
And eventually, the comments come about how brave, strong, devoted, fill-in-the-blank-compliment I am. I say thank you and then I have always answered, I love him.
The answer is so simple. I love him. The end. That is all I need; that we need to handle all of the complications that come along with wheels.
But as I thought about my answer, I realized that I was wrong. I did not come to this conclusion on my own. I belong to a fabulous online support group. It is an amazing group of women who all have men who are wheelers. And as I read the various threads, it dawned on me that it doesn't matter how much I love Jarrad. I could love him with all of my heart but if he didn't love me; if he didn't try as hard as he could, my love wouldn't be enough for our family.
A marriage is not about one person carrying the other it is about working together. I tried it. For a measly 2 months, I tried to be enough. It broke me. I couldn't be like some women who try for years and years - I am a pansy! It is exhausting trying to be more than enough for everyone. And when I told Jarrad I couldn't do it, he stepped up because that is what you do when you love someone. He loves me as much as I love him; otherwise we couldn't do this. "This" is hard enough. "This" is extra expense, extra time, extra pain, extra patience, extra grief, extra disappointment.
We still fight, we still have "I don't like you very much right now" moments. He is still (at times) a jerk but then so am I. But he is here for me and the kids. He is involved.
Yes, I love him so I am staying but he loves me so that I can stay and love him and not resent "this".
Most folks take it in stride - after you see it register on them. It is actually quite interesting as you can see the thoughts being processed. Sometimes, that is all there is but eventually, there are questions. I never mind answering them. I was, am (?) a teacher. I believe in answering inquiry.
And eventually, the comments come about how brave, strong, devoted, fill-in-the-blank-compliment I am. I say thank you and then I have always answered, I love him.
The answer is so simple. I love him. The end. That is all I need; that we need to handle all of the complications that come along with wheels.
But as I thought about my answer, I realized that I was wrong. I did not come to this conclusion on my own. I belong to a fabulous online support group. It is an amazing group of women who all have men who are wheelers. And as I read the various threads, it dawned on me that it doesn't matter how much I love Jarrad. I could love him with all of my heart but if he didn't love me; if he didn't try as hard as he could, my love wouldn't be enough for our family.
A marriage is not about one person carrying the other it is about working together. I tried it. For a measly 2 months, I tried to be enough. It broke me. I couldn't be like some women who try for years and years - I am a pansy! It is exhausting trying to be more than enough for everyone. And when I told Jarrad I couldn't do it, he stepped up because that is what you do when you love someone. He loves me as much as I love him; otherwise we couldn't do this. "This" is hard enough. "This" is extra expense, extra time, extra pain, extra patience, extra grief, extra disappointment.
We still fight, we still have "I don't like you very much right now" moments. He is still (at times) a jerk but then so am I. But he is here for me and the kids. He is involved.
Yes, I love him so I am staying but he loves me so that I can stay and love him and not resent "this".
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