and then...

    There is a phrase "they dropped a bomb".  It means to say something so world changing, so explosive that it leaves everyone broken.
    But where is the phrase that means you want to tell people something but don't know how to say it because you can't really start a conversation with it as there is no transition and then you are left with awkwardness because no one knows how to transition away from it?
    That's what this post is.  I have told 5 people.  All wonderful friends and I don't know how to tell or what to say after I receive the genuine emotion.
     I just feel awkward.
     And sad. 
     My mother in law passed late Wednesday.
    I am glad we went to see her last week. It seems so weird that last week, we saw her, talked with her. Hugged her.  I helped her to change one day and she asked me what Jarrad had gotten me for our 8th anniversary (its been 12 years).  I showed her the ear rings and bracelet I was wearing. She said he did well. 
    She was a woman who loved her son.  She spoiled him by making his favorite dishes when she came.  She had a kind heart and couldn't sit still for long.  She always wanted to help - even when I didn't want her too!  She taught me that wearing an apron is always a good idea! She was sociable and knew how to make small talk - I guess that comes with being a minister's wife.  She was always concerned with the comfort of others.  She could be quite stubborn.
     I can't tell you how many times she changed her name but it was a few and I thought that was cool.  I asked her once what her original hair color was  - and she said she couldn't remember!  She always wanted to bake or cook with the kids because that is what she had done with her grandmother.  We didn't always see eye to eye and I am sure that she could be as frustrated with me as I was with her at times.  But we had one very important thing in common, we both loved Jarrad and wanted him to be happy.

   
   She was my husband's mother.  She was my children's Nana.  She will be missed.

How do you get rid of a whale?

    Sometimes, you are faced with a situation.  It seems huge and you don't even know where to begin.  Back after our Disney trip (I need to finish that...), we got news that my mother in law was failing.  We had known that she had been diagnosed with a rare disease - Amyloidosis.  What we didn't know was how quickly it would progress.  What we also didn't know was that Jarrad's company was going to sell his division and that there would be changes in how vacation was doled out.  In short, he had to fight and go above his superior's head in order to get the vacation time that he had put in for long before there was even a hint of a buy out. But that also meant that he went "in the hole" for 3 months. Which meant that he had no vacation time to use to go and see his mom.  I am giving you the short version and it was not pretty.  Why do we have to fight for the "privilege" of being with our families?  You ever see that commercial where the kids are asking for one more day?  It isn't that parents don't want to take one more day, it is because they aren't ALLOWED to!
     But, I am getting off topic.  And if I seem frustrated - I am!

     However, because of the buy out, there was restructuring - yeah! - and Jarrad has a new boss.  This one is a bit more compassionate and seems to have common sense.  This one found out what was going on and said that he was ok if Jarrad did his work in the car or after "normal" business hours (and since they have clients on the west coast, well, normal has a broad definition).  Because of that, we were able to traverse 7 states, 32 driving hours and 10 days in order for Jarrad to see his mom and say good bye.  We combined it with a trip for a family reunion on my side since it would save us a whole 2 hours to leave from PA.
     Huh, that means that it was 36 hours of driving...
     We tried to turn it into a road trip of sorts.  We would drive for about 3 or 4 hours, stop at a museum for an hour or 2 and drive a couple of more hours to a hotel.  Jarrad would stretch out, find and order dinner and the kids and I would unpack.  Get up the next morning and repeat.
     We are now Hilton Honors "Blue" Members!  Only 14 more stays and we upgrade to "Silver".
     Whoo hoo! 
     What did we learn?
     1.  That I need to evaluate my packing system that has worked for the past 4 years because the kids are getting older and can help.
     2.  That road trips aren't as bad as I was dreading if they are broken into chunks.
     3.  That I love my bed.
     4.  That people be crazy when they be driving!
     5.  That I miss my bed.
     6.  That there are some really cool places to stop and visit on the way.
     7.  That we are "cool" Auntie and Uncle.
     8.  I really, really love my bed!
     We tried to be upbeat?  adventurous? about the trip.  Hence the stops to sight see.  But the point of the trip was for Jarrad got to spend time with his mom.  It was hard to see her.  She was tiny to begin with and now, she is smaller still.  Hospice has told my sister in law that the body knows how to die.  There is even a pamphlet.  We know about the cycles of grief and that the cycles don't go in order nor do they end.  We have all this knowledge but the reality is something different.  It comes in waves and sometimes, it leaves a whale on the beach. 

just a bit upset.

    Yesterday, I posted an article on my Facebook page about the movie Me Before You.  It is a big deal in my community.  You know - spouses and SO's of wheelers.  It is big because it is about a guy in a wheelchair and he decides his life is not worth living.  It is being touted as a romance with descriptors such as: 

"Young and quirky Louisa "Lou" Clark (Emilia Clarke) moves from one job 

 to the next to help her family make ends meet. Her cheerful attitude is put

 to the test when she becomes a caregiver for Will Traynor (Sam Claflin),

 a wealthy young banker left paralyzed from an accident two years earlier. 

Will's cynical outlook starts to change when Louisa shows him that life is 

worth living. As their bond deepens, their lives and hearts change in ways

neither one could have imagined."

and

                      "Experience life, laughter, and love in the year's biggest romantic event." 

      These descriptors are rubbish.  

     A couple of friends commented and said that they had no idea what the movie was about other than a romance but after reading the article I shared, they were glad to know.  And then my mom called.  She asked what the movie was about as she had been planning on going to see it.  And I started to cry.  
     No, Nope, Never.  Don't.  Just don't.  
     If you must go see this movie, go right ahead.  Fair warning - don't talk to me about it and don't you dare tell me that it was inspiring or wonderful or whatever crap (and I am being polite here) comment you want to make about it. You have been warned and I have every right to let lose a whole lot of hurt on you.  In fact, here is a preview! 

     First, there is the title.  ME Before you.  Emphasis added.  Just let that sink in for a bit...

 
    Did that make a connection for you about the content of this book? Do you need to think about it some more?
    

      Second, When I was working at the library, this book was checked out a lot.  Not a big fan of romance, I passed it by but then I thought that I should expand my repertoire so that I could be better at my job so I picked the popular book up and causally asked my co worker if she had read it.  To  which she said that if I did not put it down right now, she would smack it out of my hand and I was not to read that book.  Or something to that effect.  Since I didn't want to upset her, I put it away and waited till she went home to check it out.  I started to read it and understood what she meant. 

  
       BECAUSE it is NOT a love story.  He commits suicide!  He doesn't choose to "live boldly, live well, just live".  He "loves" her sooo much that he is kills himself so he won't be a "burden" to her.  This is a book about suicide. About how this wealthy quadriplegic cannot see how he can have anything to offer - to Louisa, his family or the world in general. 
     I think that I have some strong emotions about this book and movie.  Especially when compared to the Christopher Reeve book Still Me.  It has been a couple of years since I read Still Me  but the the title comes from a time in Christopher's life after his accident where he discussed with Dana how he was going to be a burden to her and maybe he should just die. She told him that he was still him and the person that she loved.  And he realized that she loved him - not his body and he still had a lot to offer.  He chose to live.  Boldly and well.
     I think that I have strong emotions about this book and movie because I would be lying to you if this topic of "it would be better if..." was not discussed in some form or fashion in every wheeler house.  It was discussed in ours.  And crushed and never brought up again.  
    Because a true love story is one where you get up every morning and go to work.  A love story is about living because to do otherwise would crush the very ones you profess to love (And now is where you contemplate the title again).  
    There are some critics who say that my community has no right to get in a twist about a fictional account.  The thing is, to us, it is not fiction.  It is real and to have our choice to live boldly and well and to just live portrayed as the lesser choice is insulting.  We live it; we know. If you don't know what it is to live this life, you do not get to "romanticize" it.  
     
 

the day before

     Last week, Sam turned 7.
    "Hey Buddy, last night you went to sleep as a 6 year old.  Tonight, you go to sleep as a 7 year old!  Will you wake up as an 8?"
    "No, Mommy, I think I will sleep till 9."
    The kids like for us to play the "__ years ago at this time" game.  It is a way to tell stories about them and they love stories.  It is a way to remember what happened.  The good - got a little boy; the bad - he drives me crazy some days; the ugly - it was a very rough delivery. Very.
    Sam's birthday is always fun.  He just loves presents but for us, it is a bit hard.  You see, 4 years ago, we went to the zoo for his birthday and then a week later, Jarrad fell and was paralyzed.  4 years ago today, my husband was at work and he was walking.  4 years ago tomorrow, at 2:30, I will be calling for an ambulance to come.  4 years ago tomorrow, our lives will change forever.
    Sam snuggled with Jarrad on his birthday and told him that sometimes he is sad.  He is sad because daddy can't walk.  He doesn't show it a lot but I know it bothers him.  It bothers Emma. It bothers me.  Jarrad hugged him and said that it made him sad too.  What else can you do but to validate feelings? 
    I think every year gets a bit easier.  This year, I didn't start the emotional game until today.  I think that is progress.  But I know that every year, May 19th is going to hurt.  It is going to hurt a lot.  No matter what I do or what I try, this day will always be hard.

To make matters worse....

    I am angry so instead of eating my feelings, I am going to write them.  I have been thinking over the past couple of days about if I was right to resign.  Maybe I should have waited to see what would have happened that I forgot a simple fact:
   The man removed me from the schedule completely.  With no explanation - not to my manager, not to me - 3 times he told me that there was no position for me.  What other recourse did I have but to go to HR?
     And then we have the meeting and he still never answered the question!  He started in with I was unprofessional and no one wanted to work with me. 
     Now I hear that he found me rude and disruptive in meetings.  He says it was that way from the first time we met and that I was on a personal call (oh the horror!! How dare I take a personal call!) and he was surprised to find me where I was.
    Ah, no.
    1.  He called 30 minutes before closing. He knew I was there.
    2.  He came 5 minutes before closing and yes, I was on the phone trying to get a hold of Jarrad because the kids were supposed to be getting off the bus.
    3.  Jarrad had just got out of the hospital from kidney failure that had him incoherent and was on heavy antibiotics so when he didn't pick up, I was freaking out.  And it was 5 minutes before closing and NO ONE WAS THERE!
    4.  Was not the first time that we had met.  Unless he wants to discount the staff meeting where he introduced himself and then dismissed us or the time he came to tour my home branch but hey, it is all about perspective.
    I will give him that I was "rude" to him.  He did nothing to endear himself to me.  I did tell him that I didn't trust him BECAUSE I did not know him (hint - show up dude and figure out who we are) or what his plan for the library was.  Yes, libraries have vision plans.  Libraries aren't just about books.  He said he had a plan - I waited and got nothing.
      I will give him that I was rude because I am a northerner - what southerners see as rudeness, we see as reserve and frankness. However, I have been given compliments about my friendliness from true southerners so maybe it is just people who come in and move the whole damn kitchen!  Sorry, another speech where he said he wasn't going to move the coffee pot.  It was a metaphor that said he wasn't going to change things; he was going to see how things worked.  He left the coffee pot - he moved the kitchen.  Yeah, I think I had trust issues.
     And yet, all this could have been avoided if he had simply told me why I was off the schedule.  He never did.  And now he is spinning this as I am unprofessional and difficult to work with  and rude.
      When the kids come home and say "Mommy, Daddy, someone said this about me or called me this"  We ask them if that person spoke truth.  They always answer no.  And we tell them then that person lied and the truth will come out.
    Man, it sucks when you have to practice what you preach. 
    Just keep repeating - karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma

reputation

    When I was an adolescent, I went to sleep away camp.  I loved it.  It was fun.  I am not exactly an outdoorsy person but there is something about sleep away camps that is unique and just a great experience.  One year when I was about 14, there was this boy.  He told the boys in his cabin that we had gone into the woods and I let him touch me.  I found out about it because one of the guys in the cabin told me that this boy said that.  I remember being horrified.  The guy who was my friend told me not to worry.  That the 3 other guys he was talking to laughed at him and told him that would never have happened.
      I learned two things that day:
     1.  That I had the reputation of being an ice queen.
     2.  Reputation matters.
     I have lived in this area for 14 years.  I know who I am - I know my faults.  I like to hear about gossip - it is my soap opera.  I don't keep secrets - too much pressure and I make mistakes and hurt people.  I don't always think before I speak so I hurt people's feelings.  I can come across as unapproachable.  Sometimes I stumble over my words and am not as precise in language as I expect others to be.  Ironic for one who taught English. 
     But I also know my good qualities - I am compassionate. I listen.  I try to help where I can.  I am learning to control my faults.  I am loyal.  I am a good friend.  I do my tasks to the best of my abilities. I am laid back and don't seek the limelight or the accolades of others.  I like knowing if I do a good job (we all do) but I am not going to pout if I don't get a parade.  I know that if you were to ask people in the community, they would only say positive things about me.
    That is why today was hard.  I sat in a meeting today where someone accused me of being difficult to work - I was told that my coworkers said this about me.  I tried not to laugh because I know that they did not.  I am that sure of my reputation.  If anything, they would say I was too chatty when I should just check out books!  I was told that I was unprofessional.  Again, I find that funny.  Again, I am pretty sure that I would be told I chat too much by patrons.   I was told that I created drama.  While I like to listen to far away drama, I mean, come on, I READ, of course I like drama; I certainly don't like to be a part of it.  It is too painful and I have had my share of it.  I am done with being a part of the drama! 
      I sat there and was told that this person had to put up with it for 9 months.  That I - a part time person - bragged to others about how I was making life difficult for the director.  While I am sure of my reputation, I am not sure how I could have made life difficult for someone several pay grades ahead of me. 
      Yes, I did defend myself and admitted to certain parts of his grievances against me.  I did talk to a board member.  Once.  I did not make the director's life miserable - how could I?  WHAT could I have possibly done or said to do that?
     Finally I turned to HR and said that I knew how this was going to go.  It was going to be a case of he said/she said.  And while I am sure that my "said" would be verified, I am also sure that I was a part time employee.  I told HR that HR would be back in this situation again.  That I knew what his recommendation would be and I had to do my part and resign before I was fired.  I just wanted to make sure that my record of what happened would go in his file so that it would add veracity for the next  person that is "difficult" to work with.
     I am sad.  I loved my job.  It was a way for me to make a really small amount of money that allowed us to save for Disney.  It allowed us to pay off hospital bills and let us provide extras for the kids.  It allowed us to not worry about medications that were expensive. It gave us breathing room.  It is not critical that I find another job right now.  It would be difficult to find a job that gave the amount of flexibility that this one did for child care and doctor's visits.  This job was perfect.  The people were great and I worked with books!  AWESOME!
     I am angry that something I loved is being effected by this person.  I had hoped that I could have made a difference and I wouldn't have to give up something I enjoyed.  I know that I have done what I could but it doesn't seem enough because he is still there and who will he turn on next?  I feel helpless and I just don't know what to do now. 

bullies

     We tell our children to stand up to bullies.  We try to protect them from bullies.  And with each generation, there is more to protect them from.  And with every generation, there are new and different ways of the same old bullying.  And somewhere along the line, we think that bullies stay in childhood.  We forget that bullies grow up.  Sometimes, they mature and change their ways and other times they turn into abusers and create new bullies in their image and other times they become more subtle.
     2 years ago, I got the perfect part time job. A job that I loved.  I got a compassionate manager and fantastic co workers.  The pay wasn't much but it was enough to cover extra expenses. 
    And then things changed. 
    A bully was hired.  I call him a bully because that is what he is.  It is subtle.  But the comments made, the phrases are enough that you are left going, huh?  What?  Did he just say what I think he did? 
    Right now, I am not working.  I was on the schedule and in the course of 24 hours, I was off.  All I was told was that there "is no position" for me.  I feel like this is punishment but I am not sure what for.  If I were to guess, it would be because I questioned the director.  I confronted him and he didn't like it.
    I went to HR and reported it and was told that it wasn't punishment. Surprisingly, HR was told the it was to be a reduction of hours.  Hmmm.  They were also told that this was a temporary schedule.  Hmmm.  I don't think HR knows what is going on. I also don't think that the director thought that I would go to HR.  Hmmm.  I do my job; I do it well.  I am polite and friendly.  I do what is asked and more.  I am also not the newest person on staff so . . .
    Apparently, there is supposed to be a meeting next week.  I would like to think that I would get some answers but if it follows the pattern it has before, I won't get anything.  It makes me sad because I know my time at the library is limited.  I know that if I do stay, I will be penalized. It will be subtle but it will happen.  I might be fired just because he can.
     I love my job.  I love the people I work with.  I love the little bit of extra money that allows us to breathe and dream and hope.  I am scared of what will happen.  But this person already bullied 2 others into leaving and I guess I am next.  If I can, hopefully, I can add to the process of getting rid of him because no one deserves to be treated this way.