New arrival

    It's here - in our driveway.  It has been here for over 24 hours and we just drove in it today. 
    It is shiny.
    It is new.
    It is just a little bit scary.
    It is not ready for Jarrad to drive yet.  The bids are out and we are waiting to see who wins the privilege of  modifying the car. I guess that this is what you call the basic package - not customized for anyone.  In 2 weeks, they will take it away but for now, we can get used to the idea.

The color is "cyprus pearl" - it is a gray green.

The van actually tilts to the side.

Foot rests for those that sit in the back.

The ramp folds up to sit flush against the door.

Those tracks are for the tie downs for Jarrad's chair - so he is nice and secure. You ca also see one of the tie downs.  There are 4 and they are movable. 

A round of applause for the model! If you look at the above picture, you will see the passenger seat.  That WHOLE thing comes out and Jarrad can ride shotgun.  There is a seat belt attachment so he can buckle up properly too.

    It is just a little bit exciting.

ARGH!

    So as a cherry on the top of my not fun day, I find out that I missed kindergarten registration.  I know it is (probably) not a big deal - just register Sam sometime next week.  It is not like they assign classes before the summer is over...  still it just is ... perfect.  PERFECT! 
    Today, we were supposed to go see Jarrad's van.  He was going to get evaluated as to the specific modifications he needs.  THEN, we would pay for the van (and start payments to the loan company) and it would be OURS - in fact, it would come to our house and sit there for roughly 2 weeks while the bidding process goes on for whoever is to make the modifications on the van.  THEN it takes 6 - 8 weeks to make the modifications.  In that time, he will go back and check to make sure the modifications are correct.  THEN he will go  back a week or 2 later to again check out the modifications and a week after that, we take it home.  THEN he gets more driving instruction on his vehicle- roughly 5 more hours.  THEN he can drive it. 
    This process has been so convoluted.  We started it in September of 2012.  That was just for the paper work.  By the time that got approved, it was the holidays.  We had to have an initial evaluation for driving and vehicle.  At that time, Jarrad had carpel tunnel.  We made the mistake of telling them that and suddenly the wheels stopped turning until that surgery took place.  Then in June, we were told that there was a government policy change.  Yeah for more paperwork and approval process! 
   It is a wonder that I have hair left.  Jarrad and I go through cycles of who gets to be frustrated. 
   Finally, he took his driving lessons and got his license.  By that time, a whole year had passed.  And we hit the holidays again.  YEAH!  That added another 6 weeks to the process.  I am so a grinch because I hate last year's holidays. 
    And now, today, because someone dropped the ball with confirming, we didn't get to check out the van so it is pushed another week into the future. 
   Ok.  I am grateful that Voc. Rehab is there.  Their job is to help retain and train for employment.  It is cheaper for the government to do that than to pay out social security.  Right now, we are paying out of pocket for Jarrad to be driving into work 1 day a week. 
     Well, why can't you drive him?  Because it is a 45 minute drive to work.  And then I get to come home and do laundry, grocery shop, fix food, homework, housework and my own part time gig. 
    It is too much.  One day, between kids and Jarrad, I was in the car for 4 hours.  
   I know that I should be grateful that Voc Rehab is paying for the modifications.  That way we don't have to pay 65,000.  We are just paying what we would pay for a new van.  We could never afford this on our own.  Of course, before last June, we would have been paying the amount you would pay for a used van ....
   But the ineptitude of a paper shuffling government that allows for severe abuse of the system in some cases and ridiculousness of it's own self  - I mean, 4 months of passing our application around for signatures?  And when our signatures are needed, we have 24 hours to sign AND return? Oh, and THEY don't have to honor their original agreement with us?  COME ON!  REALLY?  
    I am beyond frustrated and about ready to give up hope that we will ever see the end of this. I will order cake (Ahem, ginger cake, H) and ice cream to celebrate if we EVER get it here. 
    But I think that is about as likely as having U2 play at my 10th anniversary.

Sick days.

    No, not me.  Today - both boys are sick.  Sam said his tummy wasn't feeling good and while he doesn't have a (high) fever or the dark circles under his eyes, he is sleeping again (8:30 am).  Jarrad has a migraine - work stress induced.  He hasn't been sleeping well and is just so tired.
     And Emma is at school (watch - the phone will ring any minute . . . )
    So either end of my house has sleeping bodies.  And it is so quiet!
    I can hear the clocks tick.
    And I have to be quiet. 
    I have to be still. 
    Hmmm......

 

 

stage of grief - anger

    I have to be honest.  I am angry.  Or I was.  I will probably be again.  But it took a while for me to express it.
    The thing is, when I did - I was finally able to let go of the hold it had on me.

(Insert "Let it Go" from Frozen here) 

    I am under no delusion however.  I am fully aware that I will be angry again and my head will be a mess and I will yell and be irrational.  I just hope that I remember how to get over it.
    See, I was angry at Jarrad.  But not at him because it isn't him but the situation around him.  And I felt guilty for being angry.  He is in constant pain.  Yet he gets up EVERY SINGLE day.  And I was moping and irritable and guilty and just very angry.
     And I didn't feel like I could talk to him about it.
    What kind of person looks at her husband who is paralyzed and trying so very hard and says to him,  "I love you but I am so angry and resentful of you. And it isn't you but your chair and all the crap that comes along with it."
    A bully - that's who. 
    And no one likes a bully so...
    We tell our kids that they have to use their words.  They can't just scream and yell but the truth is that sometimes, anger doesn't have words.  Sometimes all it is is screaming and yelling.  The primordial yelp.  Sometimes, you have to yell first.  THEN you can use words.
   Unfortunately, some of the first words that you have to use are "I'm sorry."

just life

    After church last week, a friend asked if we wanted to get together.  I put her off.  I told her the truth - that I was cranky.  Later in the week, she asked what was wrong.
    "Just life." I told her.
    Last Saturday, I rolled out of bed and started our daily routine.  But this time, I just bit Jarrad's head off.  The poor guy was so bewildered.  He was barely awake and I am yelling at him.
    And at one point last week, I almost burst into tears because Food Lion had Friendly's Ice Cream.  Ok, it may be the BEST Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream ever!  But it doesn't warrant my teary eyes.  It wasn't the fact that it was there but it was other things - memories.  I bought it and ate it in 3 days.  Then I cried because there goes my being healthy thing.
    Jarrad wants to watch Stem Cell Universe with Stephen Hawking and I am flat out refusing.  That is curious to him as I tend to like that kind of stuff.
    He wants to know what is wrong and I don't want to think about it much less put it into words.

In the middle of a hurricane 

Flapping wings of seagull thoughts

I don't move in the eye of the storm

I can't

the calm will pass

and I will drown in my own head.

 

   

Hmmmmm

    Tired.  Tired.  Tired.
    Have nothing to write.  Have nothing to write.  Have nothing to write.
    Brain dead.  Brain dead.  Brain dead.
    .........................................................
   Ideas? 

Happy Valentines Day

    I know that Valentines Day is (now) a manufactured holiday.  I still like it.  It happens right when I start to miss the "rush" of Christmas.  All the bright red and pinks contrast nicely against the gloom of gray and white and dull brown.
   So I plan.  I plan a meal of red and hearts.  Usually spaghetti.  I even bought heart shaped pasta from a fund raiser last fall for this very event.  I make Jell-O jigglers (like them better than the regular recipe) and buy strawberries.  I make heart shaped sugar cookies. Even put candles on the table.
    Yep, I like Valentine's Day.
    This year, though, they called and asked if I would come into work (heart work!) until closing.  On Fridays, closing is at 5 so it wouldn't have been a problem at all to come home and boil water, throw the bought salad into a bowl and cut up the Jell-O.  I didn't make the cookies but we have plenty of candy so it was going to be ok.
    At 4:50 I got a text.  "You worked.  I ordered pizza. I love you."  Pasta wouldn't have been a problem at all.  Truly.  But it is something so small that makes me want to cry.  It is these little things that say I was thinking about you and I love you and you are important to me.
    Like:
    "Hey, I know we are both tired and brain dead at the end of the day but I know that family dinner is important to you so I when I saw these child oriented conversation starters, I bought them."
    Or:
    "I made a doctors appointment for you on that day you needed it because I knew you were really busy today but wanted to get it done."
   Ok, so he doesn't say it quite that way.  But what really matter is what I hear -
    I love you.