A couple of weeks ago, I took Emma to get her ears pieced. She was nervous but determined to do it. She sat on the seat and I watched as emotions crossed her face - excitement, hesitation, fear and determination. Almost, almost, she said she didn't want to do it. But then, she chased it away. I watched as the lady shot a hole in my daughter's ear. I watched as Emma screwed her face up for the anticipated pain that never came. Her shock as she said, "It didn't hurt!" and her pleased joy at seeing the flowery studs in her ears.
And I cried.
I went with Sam on a field trip to the zoo. As we walked around looking at the animals and I knew where I was going, I was reminded that the last time I had been here was for Sam's birthday - the week before Jarrad fell 16 feet and severed his spinal cord.
And I didn't cry.
I could feel it. I could feel the panic and the water building but I didn't. It might seem like a small victory but considering all the times when I couldn't stop crying and desperately wanted to, I think that this is huge.
We recently received our preliminary house plans for the home that we hope to build someday. You know, that far off mythical time when we can have a house that we can grow old in? That place that I am building up in my head as paradise? That place that might never exist when I am at one of my darkest moments? Now, I have something that I can hold in my hands. It is tangible. It is beautiful (not perfect - yet). It makes it seem so scarily real.
And I cried.
Do you know that there are 3 different kinds of
tears? And that emotional tears are made up of different chemicals than reflex tears which are the kind of tears that protect your eyes from smoke? The more I learn about the body - even in my bits and pieces research- the more I am amazed at its intricacy.
As adults, we tend to loose that sense of awe about life. Maybe that is why we have kids - so that we can experience it again. Where I work, I get to watch teenagers - good kids - be clueless and innocent and it is refreshing. I see my own kids laugh and giggle in awe over things that no longer have power to enchant me on their own. So when I get my own bit of wow on my own, it is pretty cool -like finding out about tears.
And sometimes, it makes me cry.
