it just happens

     When I was 16, I had a birthday party.  I was a cheerleader so all of my friends came over and we watched a movie (Do you guys remember?), made sweatshirts and I got presents.  My frienemy - we did have those even before the term was coined- gave me a blank book.  It became my first journal.  Since then, I have always journal-ed.   I have not always been consistent but I have always written.  It soothes my soul.

     I know that my mom had journals from when she was a teen.  I know that she burnt them.  When I found out, I was a little annoyed.  I would have loved to read them.  I wanted to know what she was like when she was my age.  Her reasoning was that they were personal and she didn't want them read.  That stuck with me.  Bad or good, I think words should be read.  I guess that is why I write a blog.
    That being said, I don't always publish what I write.  I have written 136 posts.  109 have been published.  And yes, I have deleted some.  But 27 of them should never see the light of day.  This entry was going to be the 28th.
   It started out to be a metaphor about sailing on a boat.  I try to be poetic sometimes.  It went on to talk about how sometimes, I am sailing along with the wind at my back and everything is going well.  And then sometimes, I wake up swallowing water, trying to keep my head up.  Bobbing between drowning in negativity and breathing hope.
    It was . . . deleted.
    Partly because it was a crude cliche' and partly because it hurt to express how I felt - the inelegance hurt.  At least I wasn't mixing my nautical metaphor with something else. 
  If you have ever been drowning in the "sea of despair"  (Thank you, L.M. Montgomery), you know it and you try to pull yourself out.  I went for a walk, I prayed, I tried meditation and yoga.  Finally I went to one of the blogs/devotionals that I read - Proverbs 31 Ministry - and wouldn't you know but it was a nautical devotional!  It hit me between the eyes. I hope this link works but if not, it was the July 26th devotional. 
http://proverbs31.org/devotions/devo/
    It was on Matthew 14:29.  Where Peter gets out of the boat.  Christ asks us to get out of the boat.  To have faith not just to walk on it but also that He will pull us out if we fall.   I am going to sink.  It is going to happen again.  I need to remember that if I do, it is ok because He will pull me out. 
    I am not alone- I have Jarrad, I have family, I have friends.  I have my God. 

when you go down a hill, you will eventually go up...

     My last post expressed frustration with THE SYSTEM.  Jarrad was frustrated.  I was frustrated.  I am sure his counselor is frustrated too.  It is a frustration party!  Not fun. Don't come.  There are no favors or balloons.  And definitely no cake. 
    I hope you laughed at that.  If you didn't, then I hope what I am about to reveal puts a smile on your face.  See, in the midst of frustration and well, anger, Jarrad decided to seek counsel and prayer from one of the pastors at our church.  He called up and said just that - we need prayer.  We need it to soothe our souls.  The pastor prayed and listened.  It was nice and Jarrad felt better afterwards which made me feel better and we resolved that our faith should not be in THE SYSTEM but in our God.
    And then the next day, the pastor called back with a plan.  The church would pay a member who was out of work to take Jarrad to work.  It was a win- win for the church as it would help 2 of its members!  We were flabbergasted.  We only wanted prayer and a reminder in whom we were to put our faith, we told the pastor.  He understood that, he said, but we had a need and this was a solution.
    The church doesn't have to do this for us.  But they are anyway.  Just when I thought we had no options (and let me tell you, these past 2 weeks of taking Jarrad to work or him working from home has not been fun!), this act of kindness came along to to restore, no, to build upon my faith. 
    I don't even know what to say.  Thank you seems so small in comparison to how big a burden has been lifted. 

what has been going on . . .

    Soooo,  last week Voc. Rehab came out and said that the state is cutting funding and they will no longer help us purchase a van.  Add that to the fact that we were paying for transportation for Jarrad while under the impression that we would receive help with a van, made it quite a blow.
     I never expected to get social security.  Never.  I always thought that I was supporting my grandparents and other older folks that I loved and I was glad for that.  Yes, I knew that it was going to help others too.  I knew some folks who used the system.  I knew some who needed it  and I also knew there were those that abused the system.  I was ok with that because what are you doing to do?  I also felt self righteous pity for them because I never planned on needing the system.  But now we do and now it isn't there.
    We have been honest about everything. We didn't want to feel like we were cheating.  But because of that, we don't have a van for Jarrad now.  We were honest about his carpal tunnel surgery and that caused driver rehab to put his training on hold so that delayed his final evaluation.  If we hadn't done that, we would now have a van for him. 
    He is working so that means he doesn't qualify for any disability. Voc. Rehab.  is supposed to help folks stay working (means helping with transportation until independence ie personal vehicle if possible and work place modifications) because it is cheaper in the long run to fork out X amount than for a person to go on disability.  And yet, with some of these restrictions that are being put in place for ALL of NC, the State is effectively tying Voc Rehab's hands. Folks are being set up to fail.
    That is what is going on state wide but it effects us on a more intimate level.  We can't pay for transportation anymore because we need to save that money to pay for a vehicle.  That means that Jarrad is working from home more.  If he goes into work, I have to take him.  That is 4 40 minute trips with kids. If he stays home, I leave or have the joy of trying to keep kids quiet while daddy is on conference calls. 
    Yeah. 
   It has taken me all week to write this blog.  I guess because I am tired of the whole situation.  It just wears on you. Plan A - nope.  Ok, Plan B - um, scratch that.  How about Plan C?  Not realistic . . .  and so on.          My brain is tired.
    Hence, the cartoon.  
   

on being an adult

I HAVE ARRIVED! 

   I had my very first blog hate comment!  You know, if you ever read an article or blog, sometimes there is that one person who just is hateful.  Yep.  I got one. But it wasn't even about me.  Sheesh.  I deleted it.  But it got me to thinking . . . 

    When I was in Jr. High or for you youngins' middle school, I passed a note and in said note was nasty mean girl-ness.  At the time, the practice was to read notes aloud  - at least that is what I remember -  because when my note was intercepted, I remember thinking, "Crap."   But then the teacher did something that I will never forget.  She gave me back the note and said, "Write your words as if the whole world is going to read them and know you for those words."  

    Hmmm.....

    How many times have people posted things and caused a fight? 

    Did you see the story about Rick Santorum?  For me, the point wasn't about boy scouts/gay leaders/gay scouts the point is an ADULT acted that way with CHILDREN.  What was he teaching those boys?  He certainly didn't help his cause and he certainly didn't gain any supporters.  Someone should have pulled that man aside and told him he was being childish.
    What is it about the internet that implies you can forget basic manners?  Don't agree with a post or a statement?  Do it with class and don't denigrate a person if you don't like his or her opinion.  There is too much bashing and not a enough conversation. 
    How many times has a person become known for their words?  Paula Deen anyone?  Or how many times has a twist of a phrase doomed someone's career? Pick a politician - any one of them!  Proverbs 21:23 says that "those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity."  Other versions say that you will guard your soul from trouble.  
     I am not saying that I have always been the epitome of this.  I don't keep my mouth shut and I do stick my foot in it but when I write something, I try 1.  to spell words correctly 2.  Use somewhat good grammar (I am a proponent of functional grammar) and 3.  I want my words to be a force for good and not discord.  
    You know the rule - measure twice and cut once?  I think it should apply to writing as well - read it through twice and then hit send.  Otherwise you might "cut" someone that you didn't wish to.

sucky suck suck suck!

  You know that thing that happens when you buy a new car?  You tend to see it everywhere.  There goes another Ford Focus!  Wow! How many Toyota Siennas are out there?  And when you are pregnant - or not pregnant - EVERYONE is pregnant.  Probably we are just hyper aware because we find ourselves in the same situation.  I notice ramps everywhere we go.  Is it accessible?  How many parking spaces are there? How far away is dot dot dot?
   Maybe I am just in a state of hyper awareness but I am noticing all the bad things in life.  The accidents.  Passed one on the way home today.  At least 3 cars and one was really bad.  I passed them as they were taking the 20 something young man to the ambulance.  Neck brace on and blood pumping leg warmer things.
    Sometimes, life is just shitty.
    A shitty roller coaster.
    Adrenaline pumping, stomach dropping shitty roller coaster.   
   Found out that a friend has stage 4 breast and liver cancer.  Amazing woman.  Smart, funny, beautiful, compassionate. 
    I met her at my first job.  She took me into her circle and made me her friend.  She listened, guided and showed me what a good teacher is.  I wanted to be like her.  Of course, I figured out (eventually) that there was only one her.  BUT I could be like her by being me and owning who I was.  Which is what she did.  Does.  There were 2 of us that she took under her wing that year.  We all became friends.  B even dubbed us the "English Goddess'".  B and I would joke to A that we wanted to be like her when we grew up. 
   And she didn't want me to know because she didn't want to "burden" me.  I "had enough to deal with".
I waited to talk to her because she usually calls me.  She always calls on school breaks - she is always busy.  I wondered why I hadn't heard from her.
    But I didn't pick up the phone.
    I am mad at myself.
    I am mad at her because she didn't want to "add to my stress".
    I am mad at a life where it seems that everyone I know is being touched by sorrow.  
    I listened to my friend's husband detail their timeline.  He said he knows he sounds cold.  No, he doesn't.  I know that tone of voice.  I have used it.  I have heard my sister use it.  I have heard others use it.  It is the tone that says "I am telling you everything as if I were a stranger because if I even think for one minute about my emotional connection, the dam I have so carefully erected will break."
    I told him to not be alone.  To have folks with him and use help.  He said he hadn't been alone since he was 11 and that he and God have gotten real close.  He said he prays for many things but the biggest would be that his wife not be in pain.  
    Please excuse me while I go scream.