question the right to mourn

     Do you know how hard it is to watch your strong husband struggle to put his shoe on?  Do you know what it is like to try so hard not to cry?  Do you know what it is like to have him look over at you in triumph because after 20 minutes, he has finally put his shoes on? 
     There is this weird juxstaposition in my head of Jarrad before, Jarrad in the hospital and now, Jarrad in rehab.  I saw one of his sessions on Saturday.  This is the first time that I have actually sat in on a session.  I fought the entire time to not cry.  There is not a single word to describe what I felt.  And yet, I feel like I have no right to any negative feelings.  Or any feelings at all.  What should my feelings be?   What should I feel?  Crying sucks.  I hate it.  I hate crying.  I hate getting lost in a book or tv show because I "forget."  I even feel guilty for laughing with my or at my kids.  I don't feel like I have the right to feel a sense of loss because he is still alive but I am mourning all we have lost - and yet, I think, what have I lost?  It is this intangible loss.  It is this middle ground.  We have lost and yet we haven't.  So what right do I have to claim a loss at all? 
     Don't get me wrong, no one has been flippant or pat about any of this.  My mom wants me to see someone and talk to them and I probably should but it goes back to what would I say? What can I say?  Who am I to say anything?
     Two high school friends sent me a message - one lost her fiance' a couple of years back. And the other lost her father in high school.  I felt such a connection to them; their words rang true and from a place that I think few can understand and how can I claim to have any connection to their loss?  Afterall, Jarrad is not dead.  There I said it.  He is not dead but a part of him is; a part of us is.  And where is this miracle that everyone is praying for?  Why is it that God is reminding me over and over to not put limits on Him but all I see before me are limitations? 
     Do you know what Autonomic Dysreflexia is?  I do.  It is a life threatening medical emergency that occurs when your nervous system overreacts to anything irritating that you CAN NOT FEEL.  Things like an over full bladder, kidney stones, UTI, constipation, hemorrhoids, ingrown toenails, sex.  Did you get the part about life threatening? 
     Oh, and let's talk about what it is like to have a 20 somthing-fresh-out-of-school OT youngin' talk to you about your sex life!   And just in case you are wondering, Fred is Not Dead. 
     And let's talk about mobility in the real world.  Have you ever looked at a store or restaurant and thought about what it is like for someone in a wheel chair?  Sure, most places are "handicapped accessible" but there is a difference between accessible and comfortable.  Check out a movie theatre - One theatre we go to - the handicapped "spot" is down front?  Who choses to sit down front? And some of those bathroom stalls, yeah, no. 
     I know that I am blessed that Jarrad is alive, has use of his upper body, and can still make me laugh.  Example:  Me, crying: We can't even hold hands when we walk.  Jarrad:  Sure we can; we'll just walk in circles.  So, I can still hold his hand.  And he will still walk his daughter down the aisle.  I don't want to think about where I would be if that were not the case.
    In light of that, can you tell me what I should feel and what I should talk about?

discuss friendship

     Yesterday, I picked up Jarrad's best friend from high school - do guys have best friends? Anyway, it is his oldest buddy.  He says he has know J for 25 years.  Ha!  I have him beat - I have known one of mine for over 30!  Anyway, it is great to have J here for Jarrad (and me).  Jarrad had hit a funk.  We didn't feel like we were making progress.  And Jarrad had stopped looking at me.  We talked and it was because he said he was feeling ashamed.  I guess it was about time.  I had been waiting for the positive attitude to ebb and for some depression to happen.
     One - of the many - things I love about my husband is how we talk to each other.  It is so cliche' (but hey, cliche's are cliche' for a reason) to say it but he really gets me.  He is my best friend

Jarrad - in high school with "The Group"

     When I was a child, I used to pray for a best friend.  The school I went to was small and I always felt I was a "floater" friend - you know, the friend that new kids are friends with until they meet others.  No one was ever mean about it but that I always felt that it was because I had known everyone since kindergarten and was like an annoying little sister that you HAD to take along.  I accepted it but it did take a toll in high school where I think I had a chip on my shoulder in regards to it.  I say all this but need to point out that I have one friend that I have known since kindergarten.  She is my oldest friend (the one I have knows for 30 years) but I would say that we grew really close after we graduated from high school
     With that one exception, I have always felt a bit like a loner.  In college, I had friends but no one I was really close to.  The consequence of staying at home, I guess.  My jr. or sr. year of college, I met T at a friend's party.  At first, I did not like her because I thought she was there as the date of a guy I liked.  And then I started to talk to her.  She is the type of person that is just nice.  When you meet her, you like her and she doesn't say anything negative about anyone and if she does, well, it is beyond warranted. Anyway, I liked her despite my (supposed) jealousy.  Come to find out - she wasn't there for him at all!
     After I graduated, I got a job as a long term sub in a high school.  There I met B and A.  Here are 2 of the smartest women I have ever met. From them, I learned the confidence to try new things.  It was what probably helped me to take a job in the south - 6 hours away from everything I knew.
     I moved and met my best friend - Jarrad - (everyone say "Ahhh") but had no close friends like I experienced with these 4 women.  I had heard once that if one can count on one hand friends, then that person holds wealth.  The implication being that as adults, friendship as adults is rare and to be treasured.  I missed my friends and wished that I was closer to them.  I never expected to have friends as an adult.  I had Jarrad and wasn't that the way it should be?  Just you and your mate?

So - I need to take a picture of my friends

      And then, then I had children.  One of my brothers asked me how I met my newest group of friends.  It is because I met them through my kids.  Emma has a best friend that she has known since she was 6 months old.  And this little girl has some awesome parents - proud to say her mom is one of my dearest friends.  When I had Sam, I prayed for a friend for him and was blessed to gain one for myself.  I may reconsider his friendship (those 2 boys get in TROUBLE!).  I am surrounded by wonderful women (and a few good men).  
     Folks keep saying - take care of yourself.  I am - I go over to a friends house and sit at her table while she makes dinner for me to take to Jarrad.  I have a glass of wine and a cackle fest with another couple of friends.  I got to water aerobics and get "just thinking about you messages."  I am surrounded  support and love.  They bring me strength and hope.  They remind me that what has happened has happened to all of us. 
     I am not alone.  Jarrad is not alone.   I don't know how anyone makes it in this world without friendship.  If you read this, please, go out there and develop some relationships.  These men and women, I could not do this without them.
     (oh, and for those of you who have a blood obligation to me - yeah, I mean you too!)