cut a tree

     Right now, the sidewalk guys are here.  YEAH! 
     Right now, they are cutting our corkscrew willow down for the sidewalk. 




     It is funny how little things hurt so very much.  It is just one more thing.  We planted it the spring after Emma was born.  Jarrad and his dad planted it.  I wanted a tree and Jarrad planted it for me.  He knew it was important to me - he is not really a "gardener" type but he always did those type of things for me.
   

Look to the left, you can see it at the corner of the house.

     I am glad that they are here and if it were any other day. A day where I wasn't tired, had a cold, or on my period, maybe I wouldn't be crying.  Maybe.  Maybe.  I wouldn't be crying over a tree.

     I don't think it is the tree I am crying for. 

and gifts of prayer

Dear Jarrad,
      This prayer shawl was knit specifically for you.  As I knit I prayed for your healing.  For guidance for your caregivers, for your patience, for your family and friends that they might know the right time to be with you, to speak and when to just listen.  I prayed that you would feel God's love and his presence in your life and your care.
     Jarrad, the reason that I knit prayer shawls is that I believe them to be a tactile reminder that God is with us.  I hope that when you put it across your lap or around your shoulders that you feel his hug and get comfort.  When I finished knitting your shawl, I made a swatch of the same yarn which will be my talisman and reminder to keep you and your family in my prayers in the weeks and months to come.  Know that there are people may not even have met who are praying for you and caring for you from near and far.  You and your family have not been forgotten.  We are here to support you as you need it.
              In Christ's peace -

    See the lovely purple shawl?  That is what came with the gift of prayer.  I am familiar with the concept of prayer shawls.  They are popular here.  Right after "THE ACCIDENT"  friends showed up with the red shawl, wrapped me in it and then wrapped their arms around me as they prayed.
     I heard a sermon once (ok, I am an English teacher and that was very vague so I will start over).  One sermon that I heard that really struck me was on the Lord's prayer.  What I brought away from that message was that God knew that, sometimes, we would not be able to think clearly enough to be able to formulate a prayer.  sometimes, we would be weary and need to come to Him through prayer in order to find rest (another sermon).  So we are given an outline -the Lord's prayer.  
     I repeat the Lord's prayer over and over sometimes.  It comforts me.  Much as I think a strand of rosary beads comforts a catholic.  I like the idea of touching something like that to represent a prayer when I don't have the words to say one; something physical for the cry of my heart. Perhaps it is the idea that we all need touch for comfort.  I imagine this wonderful lady trailing her fingers over each swatch that she has made of soft yarn, perhaps not remembering the individual need but knowing that the need for God's comfort. 
     The knowledge of a prayer for you is powerful.  Knowing the specifics of a prayer said is powerful.  That makes this letter so important and this shawl so valued to me (as I sit here typing, wearing it).  I can read these words and know that they were said. 
     I asked a prayer warrior for prayer once via email.  She replied with the specifics of what she would pray for.  I liked the idea and it comforted me so I challenge you that the next time you say that you will pray for someone, that you take the time (email, snail mail, text) to send them the prayer that you pray.  Perhaps it will echo the cry of their heart. 

cry out

My God, My God!  Why hast thou forsaken me?
Matthew 27:46
     Have you ever wanted to cry these words out?  Have you been so overwhelmed with whatever your situation is that you just fall to your knees in anguish? Have you ever been so overwhelmed with a situation that the idea of sackcloth and ashes makes sense?  If not, then you have never experiences real pain.
    "But  I . . . "  STOP.  Don't even go there.
     I remember sitting in the Student Activities Center in college.  I was worrying about how to pay my next tuition bill when I overheard a couple of students talking about getting a C in a class.  I wanted to laugh at them.  They had no idea what real crisis was.  Now, I just want to laugh at my former self.  What did I know? If anything like the above situations was going to cross your lips - anything frivolous like money - then you have no idea what I mean.  I am talking about a loss.  A tangible, physical loss that results in an intangible loss as well.  One that makes your very soul cry out to the Creator begging Him to show you something, anything that would make the pain ease for a tiny fraction.
     Hence, the verse. 
     Christ said these words on the cross.  The cross He chose to go on.  There is some discussion among scholars as to why He would say this even though He knew what was coming.  Even when He knew that this was the perfect plan and He knew the outcome.  So WHY would He ask?  Why would His soul cry out in anguish and misery at the abandonment of HIS Father?  When He knew in 3 days time, He would rise again?    I am no biblical scholar.  I am human.  What I know with my head doesn't always make sense in my heart.  It is the difference between knowing and feeling.  And now, I cry My God, My God!  Why have you forsaken me?  Why haven't you shown your hand of power in our life?  Why have you sent your children to go through this pain?
     Do you know what comforts me?  That Christ went through this pain of the heart.  What He knew with His head  was contradicted in the pain of the heart.  All those biblical scholars can talk all they want about how this was a fulfillment of what was prophesied.  They speak logically and quote verse after verse and are all right but that doesn't mean you don't consider the heart; the humanity, as well.  Christ was God made flesh.  He knew all these things but still suffered.  Otherwise, how could He be punished UNLESS there was punishment?  Christ suffered not only for the sins of a world but also suffered the loss and pain associated with being in a sinful world.  All the questions that are asked about where is God when bad things happen to good people can be changed to ask,  "Was not Christ a 'good person'?"  Even the other major religions acknowledge Him as some sort of  "Holy Man".  And he still asked, Where are you God? Even though HE KNEW!
     I know that there is a plan.  I know that this is not the result of something that we did but rather the effect of being in a sinful world and I know that God uses everything to His glory.  But knowing doesn't stop the pain.  I think that Christ showed us that.  He showed us that despite the pain, He still trusted. We need to keep going through the pain, going through the emotions to get to what we know.
     I know that we have a hard time ahead.  I know that it will get better.  Already, I see it getting better as Jarrad gets stronger but it doesn't stop the pain.  It doesn't stop the heart crying out. 
     I believe in the deity of Christ.  I believe in his humanity as well.  It is my comfort.  Because I believe that He KNOWS.  He knows in only that intimate way that others who have survived (ha!) can. 
     I believe it is a theme throughout the Bible.  Trust through pain to the end. 
    It is my only hope. 

jump in the deep end

     Curriculum night
     No signs - just follow all the other parents to the Media Center.  Wow.  I have not felt this way in a LONG TIME.  Where do I sit?  Not up front  - too eager and I really need to figure home out before I can help at school and the back would seem like I don't care and am just showing up to earn . . . what?
    Oh, good - someone I know.  Safe.
     Why don't I understand what they are talking about???
     It is nice to know that every new thing you start in life is a kind of jump into the deep end experience.  There is no wading in life.  Well, maybe kindergarten but even then, Mom and Dad leave you at the door and you have to walk to your seat all by yourself.  I digress.  There is no wading in life - you are in or you are out.
     Remember syllabus shock in college?  That panic you used to get when you went to the first day of class and opened the syllabus for the semester and thought, "how am I ever going to do all this?"  It comes back when your kid goes to school.  Only now, you think, I am going to fail as a parent and I will be shunned for my inability to create a productive member of society because my child will never learn to read, rite or do rithmatic and will either go live in a shack on a mountain or become a member of a cult.  This is a LIFE!  THAT YOU CREATED!  All of a sudden, failing at the game of life is much bigger than a board game.
      AHHHHHH!  Run screaming from the school, snatch your kid up and head for the mountains so maybe they can learn to be the best hillbilly they can be. 
     And take a deep breath.
     1.  Every kid develops at his/her own rate.  If they don't get it this year, they will next (or the one after).
     2.  Your child excels at something.  Picking their nose, perhaps?  Hold on to that something for dear life.
     3.  As hard as it is, when So & So who is the same age as your dear little one gets jumped, just remember that it is ok to be average.  Some talents/gifts come later.  And some talents/gifts burn out.
     4.  And make that worrisome child of yours hug or kiss you.  Because when those little arms connect around your neck and you have a gooey kiss on your cheek, does it really matter if she goes from 29 to 100?  Nah, she will figure it out before she goes to college.
On a mountain.
In a shack. 

Start school

    WAIT a minute!  School started 2 weeks ago - what are you talking about?  Yes, Emma started school on the 29th.  Kindergarten.  We had been home for 2 1/2 days.  I walked her into school that morning.  The pictures tell the story.  Happy before we leave home - not so sure outside the classroom -Mommy gives a kiss at our desk right before she leaves.  I love taking pictures of my kids like this!
     Anyway, this was the first day of school.  And I didn't cry.  Not until I realized why I wasn't crying.  It was because I had so much else to do and deal with that dropping off my eldest child - the one who made me a mother, my baby girl, was anticlimactic.  That was when I cried.  Not because it was her first day but because I couldn't focus on her and her day.  
     So for the next week and a half, I took her to school and walked her into her classroom.  Today, September 10th, I did not. They asked that all students be dropped off in the car pool line and go to their classrooms by themselves.
     And today I cried.  Today, I cried for the RIGHT reason.  I told her I loved her and to have a good day and she hopped out with a "Bye Mommy!  I love you too!"  (how long will that last??) and ran into the building.  And then I cried.  I cried because my baby is a kindergartener.  I cried because I didn't know where the time had gone and how had she gotten so big already?
    I tell her to stop growing.  I tell her to not drink her milk and that I will squish her at night.  She tells me that it doesn't help; she has to grow because that is what kids do.  And when she gets "growed", she will come see me but she is going to live next to Grammy. Yes, Grammy.  Hmmm.
     The pediatrician says that if she continues at this rate of growth and depending on when she hits puberty (which I just found out happens approximately when you hit 100 lbs. Which makes sense to me), she could be as tall as 5'10".  So I will stop feeding her at 80 lbs. And that will stop time. Right?  I am just kidding (about the not feeding her part).  I love seeing her grow and learn.  I just wish that the rest of the world would slow down- no laundry and dishes or falls from ladders- so I could enjoy her a bit more.  I wish that I could say I have learned my lesson, but well, the laundry needs to be done - do you see how cute she looks? And dishes and life just happens.  I will just have to try to snatch bits and pieces when I can.  And take lots of pictures! 
    

count it all joy

     Today we have come full circle.  An ambulance was called for transport to take Jarrad back to Duke to get his leg looked at.  I happened to glance at my watch as we were driving down 85 and noticed it was 2:40.  I barked with laughter.  I like that phrase.  Bark with laughter.  Here we go again, I thought.
      He has a broken femur.  He fell last Monday.  Just overextended himself and fell off the bed.  I wonder if I broke it getting him back into bed . . . no, he will not be happy when he reads this.  We shouldn't do that to ourselves; we promised.  What is done is done.  If we could go back in time, it wouldn't be to not fall out of bed.
     Now, he is expected to be at the hospital for about a week.  He will probably have surgery and MORE metal inserted into him - say hello to the next Bionic Man.  We could let it heal on its own but he would be crooked and one leg would be shorter than the other.  Why does it matter?  Well, if he is going to be bionic, we do want him to be symmetrical. No really, it could make things harder and it would take longer for the symptoms of healing to go away. 
     We are just numb.  I have cried but not to the point of making myself sick. I think I have cried enough.  This is hard.  It sucks.  It is shitty (yes, you read that word right - now, go reference my earlier blog about swearing).  And it keeps coming. Why, we asked each other in the exam room.  Why do all these things happen to us?  Have we not had enough?  What lesson are we supposed to learn from this?  Have we not learned it already?
     I think of Job 2:9 "Are you still holding on to your integrity? Curse God and die!"  We could do that.  We could turn and curse God for all of this or we could "count it all joy when you fall into various trials". James 1:2.  The implication being that no one seeks out trials but that they are accidents so you need to find the joy in it.
     So what joy is there in this?  I don't know.  I do know that Jarrad is healthy.  There is no infection.  This sets us back about a week in our healing process and rehab.  Well, we all know how time schedules change. But we are going with a week.  We have family who love us.  We have friends who love us.  Jarrad gets to take a shower.
     There is joy here.  Joy in our blessings.  Blessings in those who are around us.   A friend who not only cuts up apples but also the quiche she brings so that it is easier.  Or the friends who love our kids like they are their own.  Or a friend who "kidnaps" our kids because we are exhausted.  Or the one who shows up to make sure the ramp to our house is built well and is worried about our walkway.  Or the one who always emails me to check on me and answer questions.  Or the one who brought so much food, I could feed my family for 2 weeks.  How about those who call just to check on us or the ones who put so much time into tearing apart my (yes, my) house to get it ready for us and the one who cleans up the mess that the others made.  These and others are our joys.  Our family.  Our friends.  These are the riches that I have here on earth, that I can store up on earth.  And take to heaven.
     Now comes the proselytizing part.  I believe that there is a God.  I believe that there is a heaven and a hell.  I believe that the only way to God is through His Son.  I believe His hand is on our (Jarrad and my) lives and I would love to be the one to share more with you.  Yes, even with all of this shit (sorry, no other word suits.) I believe that there is a purpose.  I believe He loves us.  I believe His plan is perfect.  I don't know what it is or how it is going to work out, but I have faith.  I will "count it all joy".

and trust

    It is funny how God works.  Sometimes, it is a slap across the head and sometimes, it is a gentle reminder.  I feel, no, I know that right now, He is gently reminding me to trust Him.  After last night, I slept poorly.  This morning, I took Emma to school and came back.  Jarrad's knee looks bad and his thigh is swollen.  Hard.  We are going to the Dr. in a few minutes.  We think he must have somehow - not sure how - dislocated his hip and knee.
     Remember when I said, I couldn't take much more?  Well, I am broken.  All I have left is my faith.  I HAVE to trust God.  He said as much in this mornings devotion.
     At 6:00, I felt the need to get up and open my daily devotion.  I usually read Proverbs 31 Ministries.   http://www.proverbs31.org/devotions/  The devotion today was about trust.  I need to trust Him.  In everything.  Today, I am repeating "I will trust you" over and over.  If you say something over and over, it will be true at some point. At some point, you have no choice.
     Not long after the accident, I learned that if I thought too much about the future, I would drive myself to hysterical sobbing.  Now, I have to remind myself again of this lesson.  Let the future come at its own pace.  Don't try to plan too far ahead or you will drive yourself to a hospital for admittance.

     So this was yesterday.  Today, we are better.  Tired, frustrated but better.  There was no blog clot.  Yea.  At least that is something.  This morning, we noticed that there is a projection from his hip - like a dislocated bone.  Yea.  But what are we to do?  We already went to the Dr.  and got no help.  "You will probably need an MRI."  Yea.  
     I will trust you.  I will trust you.  I will trust you.  I will trust.  I will.