Do you know how hard it is to watch your strong husband struggle to put his shoe on? Do you know what it is like to try so hard not to cry? Do you know what it is like to have him look over at you in triumph because after 20 minutes, he has finally put his shoes on?
There is this weird juxstaposition in my head of Jarrad before, Jarrad in the hospital and now, Jarrad in rehab. I saw one of his sessions on Saturday. This is the first time that I have actually sat in on a session. I fought the entire time to not cry. There is not a single word to describe what I felt. And yet, I feel like I have no right to any negative feelings. Or any feelings at all. What should my feelings be? What should I feel? Crying sucks. I hate it. I hate crying. I hate getting lost in a book or tv show because I "forget." I even feel guilty for laughing with my or at my kids. I don't feel like I have the right to feel a sense of loss because he is still alive but I am mourning all we have lost - and yet, I think, what have I lost? It is this intangible loss. It is this middle ground. We have lost and yet we haven't. So what right do I have to claim a loss at all?
Don't get me wrong, no one has been flippant or pat about any of this. My mom wants me to see someone and talk to them and I probably should but it goes back to what would I say? What can I say? Who am I to say anything?
Two high school friends sent me a message - one lost her fiance' a couple of years back. And the other lost her father in high school. I felt such a connection to them; their words rang true and from a place that I think few can understand and how can I claim to have any connection to their loss? Afterall, Jarrad is not dead. There I said it. He is not dead but a part of him is; a part of us is. And where is this miracle that everyone is praying for? Why is it that God is reminding me over and over to not put limits on Him but all I see before me are limitations?
Do you know what Autonomic Dysreflexia is? I do. It is a life threatening medical emergency that occurs when your nervous system overreacts to anything irritating that you CAN NOT FEEL. Things like an over full bladder, kidney stones, UTI, constipation, hemorrhoids, ingrown toenails, sex. Did you get the part about life threatening?
Oh, and let's talk about what it is like to have a 20 somthing-fresh-out-of-school OT youngin' talk to you about your sex life! And just in case you are wondering, Fred is Not Dead.
And let's talk about mobility in the real world. Have you ever looked at a store or restaurant and thought about what it is like for someone in a wheel chair? Sure, most places are "handicapped accessible" but there is a difference between accessible and comfortable. Check out a movie theatre - One theatre we go to - the handicapped "spot" is down front? Who choses to sit down front? And some of those bathroom stalls, yeah, no.
I know that I am blessed that Jarrad is alive, has use of his upper body, and can still make me laugh. Example: Me, crying: We can't even hold hands when we walk. Jarrad: Sure we can; we'll just walk in circles. So, I can still hold his hand. And he will still walk his daughter down the aisle. I don't want to think about where I would be if that were not the case.
In light of that, can you tell me what I should feel and what I should talk about?
No comments:
Post a Comment