Yesterday, It was 3 years. We were doing ok. We knew it was coming but we were ok. Much more than last year. Sure, I had some fits but I tried to remember not to rewind the tape and move forward.
And then we woke up on the 19th.
Jarrad got snipey with me because I kept asking what he was thinking about. He then apologized and we reminded each other that we were a team. We went through the day.
But it is amazing how little things can be such a gut punch.
He gave me a hug and I burst into tears. And no, people, I am not PMSing. I started to cry because he was still here to hug me. I looked at the clock and saw it was 2:30. Cried. Went to work and had a coworker ask me how I was - cried. Each time I looked at the clock, my thoughts went to 3 years ago: Oh, the doctors are prepping Jarrad. Oh. I a need to go to 2nd floor surgery. Oh. The longer Jarrad was is in surgery, the better because it means that they are able to "fix" things. And I remember everything - all of the numbing emotions, the surrealness. The inability to comprehend what was being said.
I don't want this date to have that kind of power.
I am hoping with time that it will stop.
I can talk about making conscious choices and looking at the facts as opposed to emotions all I want but the truth is that sometimes it doesn't matter at all. Sometimes, emotions are there and you have to ride them out.
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