take a fall

Last week at this time, my life, OUR life changed.  Family and friends have been following what happened so don't think this is new; it is just my reflections of the past week.  I hope that by writing all of this it will bring about some type of catharsis.
Today is bad because I look at the clock and mark what was happening at this time.  From now on, the idea of a few moments that can change your life.
So
Last week at this time, I think I was waiting for an ambulance or maybe, I was in the ambulance.  Yes, I think that was it.  I was in the ambulance as it raced down 85, counting my husband's eyelid flickers.  All I could think of is that as long as he was blinking, he was alive.  Perhaps now, I am in the ER, watching as his clothes are cut from him and trying to think of the answers to questions that are being asked of me.  They weren't even important questions.  Just "do you want to stay here?"  Yes.  "Do you want us to call anyone?" No.  That was because a part of me just wanted him to get up.  And to call someone meant that he wouldn't.  I know, it doesn't make sense.  I am fortunate that I have friends who are wiser than I who came anyway. 
And now, I wait.  I just wait.
Waiting was hard.  Waiting is numb.  Waiting is surreal.  I was never good at waiting.
Now, I am waiting in the waiting room.  Someone keeps turning on the TV and then leaving.  We talk.  We pray.  A chaplain comes - he has no idea what he is doing and can't answer my questions.  Another friend comes.  They should give her the salary of the chaplain. I am comforted by women who love me and Jarrad.  A couple of guy friends come.  More support.
The doctor comes.  Are we all family.  Yes.  Firm.  He is taken aback but tells us all anyway.  He is a nice doctor.
Later.  I go home.  It is empty and I cry some more.
I am tired of crying.
People lived lives in this amount of time. In the amount of time it takes me to describe what happened in a few paragraphs,  babies were born, people were married, and . . . I know that I am lucky; we are lucky.  To contemplate the other, well, I don't.  I shove it away.  But it haunts me. 
I don't like waiting. It is hard.
Very.