I am sitting on a couch that I bought 12 years ago in the soft light that comes from a chilly, rainy day. The only sounds are my fingers on this keyboard and the rain falling on various bits of wood, glass, metal and plastic. Oh, and the grandfather clock that my grandfather made just chimed. But that sound has become so much a part of the background that I don't even hear it anymore.
Sometimes, you really need to listen to hear the quiet.
Today was supposed to be a go to work day for Jarrad but he is here. It seems like when we get weather changes, his body doesn't quite know how to adjust. He is asleep with body aches and a low grade temperature. I guess breaking most of your body will do that to you. I don't think we have ever really paid attention to it before - too many other things to worry about. Is that good or bad? Good because things are settling enough that we are picking up on these things or bad because this might be a pattern? Perhaps we can get ahead of it, if this pattern continues to emerge.
I was annoyed with him earlier. Why does he have to be ill on "my" day? A day where he goes to work and the kids are at school? A day where I can have the TV on to watch all the reality and talk shows I want as I clean as loudly as I want? When I don't have to worry about being quiet because he is on a conference call? Or he has that look - deep concentration; don't disturb me or I will lose the solution to the problem look. Where I can relax and only fix myself a lunch and everything stays clean - no tissues on the desk or floor or dishes here and there.
And why now? I am going away this weekend. No kids. No husband. No shower bench or ramp or catheters or medicine or all the other things that we need to make life easier for the both of us. I have 1! ONE bag packed (and a backpack but that holds the magazines that my neighbor gives me so that I can read them on the beach). I am already feeling guilty about leaving him. Never mind the fact that for the past 3 weeks, he has gotten the kids fed and in PJ's and bed as well as himself. Never mind that he can drive and can take care of 95% of his personal needs. Never mind that we have tried to troubleshoot anything that might go wrong.
To be honest, I am so scared that something is going to happen and it will be an "if only I was there" type of thing.
Maybe that is why I turn on the tv when the house is empty. In the silence, you can really hear the fear that has taken up residence in your life.
I have come to realize that I am not angry, annoyed, irritated with Jarrad. I am just afraid. And he gets to deal with the confusion of my fear.
He really loves me. I don't know what I would do without him. It has been 2 and a half years and still I am afraid that I will lose him. I had a sweet lady say that she thought I was an amazing woman.
He is just that amazing of a man.
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