reputation

    When I was an adolescent, I went to sleep away camp.  I loved it.  It was fun.  I am not exactly an outdoorsy person but there is something about sleep away camps that is unique and just a great experience.  One year when I was about 14, there was this boy.  He told the boys in his cabin that we had gone into the woods and I let him touch me.  I found out about it because one of the guys in the cabin told me that this boy said that.  I remember being horrified.  The guy who was my friend told me not to worry.  That the 3 other guys he was talking to laughed at him and told him that would never have happened.
      I learned two things that day:
     1.  That I had the reputation of being an ice queen.
     2.  Reputation matters.
     I have lived in this area for 14 years.  I know who I am - I know my faults.  I like to hear about gossip - it is my soap opera.  I don't keep secrets - too much pressure and I make mistakes and hurt people.  I don't always think before I speak so I hurt people's feelings.  I can come across as unapproachable.  Sometimes I stumble over my words and am not as precise in language as I expect others to be.  Ironic for one who taught English. 
     But I also know my good qualities - I am compassionate. I listen.  I try to help where I can.  I am learning to control my faults.  I am loyal.  I am a good friend.  I do my tasks to the best of my abilities. I am laid back and don't seek the limelight or the accolades of others.  I like knowing if I do a good job (we all do) but I am not going to pout if I don't get a parade.  I know that if you were to ask people in the community, they would only say positive things about me.
    That is why today was hard.  I sat in a meeting today where someone accused me of being difficult to work - I was told that my coworkers said this about me.  I tried not to laugh because I know that they did not.  I am that sure of my reputation.  If anything, they would say I was too chatty when I should just check out books!  I was told that I was unprofessional.  Again, I find that funny.  Again, I am pretty sure that I would be told I chat too much by patrons.   I was told that I created drama.  While I like to listen to far away drama, I mean, come on, I READ, of course I like drama; I certainly don't like to be a part of it.  It is too painful and I have had my share of it.  I am done with being a part of the drama! 
      I sat there and was told that this person had to put up with it for 9 months.  That I - a part time person - bragged to others about how I was making life difficult for the director.  While I am sure of my reputation, I am not sure how I could have made life difficult for someone several pay grades ahead of me. 
      Yes, I did defend myself and admitted to certain parts of his grievances against me.  I did talk to a board member.  Once.  I did not make the director's life miserable - how could I?  WHAT could I have possibly done or said to do that?
     Finally I turned to HR and said that I knew how this was going to go.  It was going to be a case of he said/she said.  And while I am sure that my "said" would be verified, I am also sure that I was a part time employee.  I told HR that HR would be back in this situation again.  That I knew what his recommendation would be and I had to do my part and resign before I was fired.  I just wanted to make sure that my record of what happened would go in his file so that it would add veracity for the next  person that is "difficult" to work with.
     I am sad.  I loved my job.  It was a way for me to make a really small amount of money that allowed us to save for Disney.  It allowed us to pay off hospital bills and let us provide extras for the kids.  It allowed us to not worry about medications that were expensive. It gave us breathing room.  It is not critical that I find another job right now.  It would be difficult to find a job that gave the amount of flexibility that this one did for child care and doctor's visits.  This job was perfect.  The people were great and I worked with books!  AWESOME!
     I am angry that something I loved is being effected by this person.  I had hoped that I could have made a difference and I wouldn't have to give up something I enjoyed.  I know that I have done what I could but it doesn't seem enough because he is still there and who will he turn on next?  I feel helpless and I just don't know what to do now.