Marriage

    This week, Jarrad and I celebrated 9 years of marriage.  Funny, it seems like it is a lot longer.  
   I remember when we were first married.  It seemed odd to coordinate our schedules to do stuff.  All of a sudden I had to "check" with someone all over again because they would worry about me if I didn't.  It took some adjusting.  And then we had Emma.  It was as if we were adjusting all over again.  And then we had Sam - more adjusting.  And just when we were hitting our stride and really starting to plan and whatever, we had to adjust all over again.
   In all of the adjusting, it is sometimes hard to remember that I am a wife - not the what my jobs are wife part (by the way, we and not societal norms defined what my role as wife was) - but the other part.  The part where I was no longer by myself.  Where I didn't have to rely only on myself but had a partner to help make it easier.  And the part that said I could have feelings and be pretty and desirable.  It was hard when we had  the kids and it is really hard now.
   If you are reading this; if by some means you found this and are in a similar situation, you will know what I mean.
    I remember going to my first support group meeting and listening to a "veteran" wife talk and she said (something like) "Get out of the 'caretaker' role as fast as you can because you need to be a wife again."  It is one of those things that I sort of got at the time but now I really get it.
  Sometimes, the connection just isn't there. You are too busy or too tired.  It is too much work to be affectionate.  You just want your space.  I find that is when I need Jarrad the most.  Unfortunately, he is in the "too" stage as well.  I so want to throw in the towel and say I am done instead of finding it in me to go and kiss him when I really don't want to put in the effort.
     We made the decision to not throw in the towel last September.
     Umm, what?  Wait, I thought you just celebrated 9 years . . .
    Yep.   And last October,  I went into the bedroom, closed the door and told him that if he didn't get it together, I would leave.
    I am not proud of it.  But we had hit a point where it was beyond too much.  I couldn't do it all and I told him that.  I told him that I loved him and I was tired.  That one of us needed to have it together because of the kids and there was no way I could keep doing it all.  The only way we were going to be able to get help for him (and me) was if I left.
    Or he could start helping himself.
    If you know Jarrad's history, you would know that was not something that I did lightly; nor did he take it lightly.  My parents always said you don't talk about divorce unless it is going to happen.  He knew I was serious and I knew he would never let it get to that point.  Jarrad loves me.
    And so he pulled it together.  He refused to quit.  So when I want to say I am "too", we both try a bit harder. 
   It is not easy but we looked at our marriage now - as it is with the "3rd person" in it - and decided that we were committed to our marriage.