it just happens

     When I was 16, I had a birthday party.  I was a cheerleader so all of my friends came over and we watched a movie (Do you guys remember?), made sweatshirts and I got presents.  My frienemy - we did have those even before the term was coined- gave me a blank book.  It became my first journal.  Since then, I have always journal-ed.   I have not always been consistent but I have always written.  It soothes my soul.

     I know that my mom had journals from when she was a teen.  I know that she burnt them.  When I found out, I was a little annoyed.  I would have loved to read them.  I wanted to know what she was like when she was my age.  Her reasoning was that they were personal and she didn't want them read.  That stuck with me.  Bad or good, I think words should be read.  I guess that is why I write a blog.
    That being said, I don't always publish what I write.  I have written 136 posts.  109 have been published.  And yes, I have deleted some.  But 27 of them should never see the light of day.  This entry was going to be the 28th.
   It started out to be a metaphor about sailing on a boat.  I try to be poetic sometimes.  It went on to talk about how sometimes, I am sailing along with the wind at my back and everything is going well.  And then sometimes, I wake up swallowing water, trying to keep my head up.  Bobbing between drowning in negativity and breathing hope.
    It was . . . deleted.
    Partly because it was a crude cliche' and partly because it hurt to express how I felt - the inelegance hurt.  At least I wasn't mixing my nautical metaphor with something else. 
  If you have ever been drowning in the "sea of despair"  (Thank you, L.M. Montgomery), you know it and you try to pull yourself out.  I went for a walk, I prayed, I tried meditation and yoga.  Finally I went to one of the blogs/devotionals that I read - Proverbs 31 Ministry - and wouldn't you know but it was a nautical devotional!  It hit me between the eyes. I hope this link works but if not, it was the July 26th devotional. 
http://proverbs31.org/devotions/devo/
    It was on Matthew 14:29.  Where Peter gets out of the boat.  Christ asks us to get out of the boat.  To have faith not just to walk on it but also that He will pull us out if we fall.   I am going to sink.  It is going to happen again.  I need to remember that if I do, it is ok because He will pull me out. 
    I am not alone- I have Jarrad, I have family, I have friends.  I have my God.