an aversion of change

   I don't like change.  It bothers me.  I hate making decisions for a group.  I hate it when my schedule changes.  I hate not knowing.  I hate sudden change.  I hate knowing that change is going to happen and waiting for said change to happen.
    Basically, I hate being a grown up. 
    That aside, in the next 3 weeks our lives are getting ready to change.  All of them.  In the next 3 weeks, Jarrad is going to be driving - knock on wood and his work schedule is going to change.  I am going to be starting a new position at the library - part time, more (regular) hours and a slight raise.  Emma already has a change in her dance night and is in a "big" girl class (no more cute tu-tu's and buckle tap shoes!).  She will be going to after school or (hopefully) karate (if it doesn't cost an arm and a leg).  Sam will be starting school (eep!) and after school or karate and HOMEWORK!!!
    And I am scared.
    I am not sure scared is the right word.  Apprehensive?  See, I don't like this waiting period.  This time where there is still stuff to do to get ready and yet, you can't do it.  I don't know how it is all going to work out and no matter how much deep breathes I take or how much prayer I say, I still grab the tail end of my worry and wrap its noose around my neck.
    How is it going to be for Jarrad to drive?  Is he going to be tired?  What is he going to do at the end of the day when he is at the bottom of that 12 foot ramp and I am not home?  Will he pick the kids up from school on time?  Is his boss going to put more demands on him?  He can't sit in his chair for that long. 
    Emma will be fine but will I see her enough?  Will I be too tired to give her the affection she needs?  She is a cuddler and hugger.  She needs that.  Will she be able to handle the longer and harder homework that comes with 2nd grade?
    Am I failing Sam by working?  Does he need me at home to help him?  He doesn't know all of his letters - simply because he doesn't see the need.  Why should he study letters on a page when there are giggets and gaddegts that if he puts together this way does that?   He has his priorities. 
    Am I making the right decision?   Will I be able to juggle the needs and wants of my family with work?  Just because a door is wide open, does it mean that I should walk through or that I have to? I know all that stuff about worry and what it does and Who I should let have it.  The theory is sound but the practice is hard. 
    Why did I want to grow up?