can't catch a break . . . or catch another one.

     Last night, I told a friend that you get to a point where you have to pull from somewhere outside of yourself for strength because you have nothing left.
    How do you know you are at that point?
    When your burdens are so tangible, that they are physically weighing you down.  When your eyes sting because of unshed tears.  When your eyes hurt because of shed tears.  When your brain is foggy.  When you know you have to eat but just can't do it. Or you eat too much just to feel something. 
     I feel like every time we start to get into a rhythm and things seem to be going ok, something happens and it knocks us back even further.  We are not treading water; we are trying to get our mouth to the surface.
    
    Jarrad fell again.  He was transferring, had a spasm and it threw him out of his chair and onto his knees except from there, he fell to his side because he can't hold himself on his knees.
    And he has a fracture in his lower leg.
    The SAME leg as before.
    Really, can this get any more ridiculous???
    We elevated his leg that night and the swelling went down and then spent the next morning at the Dr.  getting x-rays only to be told we have to go to the ER and get a splint.  ONLY to be told that he needs MORE surgery!!!  
    Thank you, God, for good friends that don't mind going to the ER with him.
    Thank you for the MANY friends who called that morning to take Sam or offered to watch the kids.

    And I know that God doesn't work this way, but I feel like He was saying, "Ok, Belinda, put your money where your mouth is.  Let's see what you do with this."  Or maybe He is.
     It doesn't really matter.  What matters is what I do with this.  I can give up and fall beneath the water line and pull everyone down with me or I can keep trying. 

     I have too many people depending on me.  I could use them as an excuse -  say and act like they are weighing  me down.  I won't because the truth is, they are my life preservers.  It is a matter of how you look at it. 
     Jarrad's smile and his ability to crack jokes when I know he is bored in the hospital and just as frustrated as I am makes the 40 minute one way trip bearable. 
     Emma and Sam's hugs and kisses when they see my blotchy face and brimming eyes really do ease the pain of hurt and worry.  


     Life preservers.  Suddenly the water has a bottom and massaging jets.