start our firsts

     I think I scared my folks this weekend.  This was the first time that we had guests down and Jarrad wasn't in the hospital.  I was not leaving instructions and dashing off someplace to meet with doctors or to be with him. 
      I kind of didn't know what to do with myself. 
      It was also hard because those memories that I was trying not to remember were really close to the surface. 
     I cried. 
     I think I was a mess. 
     Sorry Mom.  Sorry Dad.  Really, we are doing ok.  I would even venture good most of the time.  We laugh and play and fight. 
     I know you are going to worry anyway, but don't worry more than usual.  It will get better. 
     Thanks for all your work this weekend.  It made life a whole lot easier. 
     My dad put up an exterior light which will make coming up the ramp easier.  He also put in a threshold ramp so Jarrad doesn't need me to boost him 2 inches to get outside.  Mom made a pie (it was delicious - I ate half.  Really.) and took Emma and I shopping for Emma's Christmas dress.  If you have never been shopping with a 5 almost 6 year old girl who gets to pick out all the sparkly dresses she wants and then gets to twirl and pose, well, you should.  It is a pick me up. 
     They also took the kids on a picnic so Jarrad and I could stream one of the movies that we missed this summer.  We relaxed and cuddled - better than going to a movie theater.   
     It is just hard to have memories.  It is harder to see them reflected in Jarrad's eyes.  See, what would usually happen, is that Jarrad and Dad would work on a project.  Jarrad says he always learns so much from my dad.  It was hard for me to see Jarrad and know he was thinking that he wished that he could help.  I know that he feels useless sometimes because he has said so whenever someone comes over to help.  Usually, he would be in there doing it. He was able to fix my mom's computer and I think that helped some. 
     We are ok.  We are just figuring it all out.  I think that when we figure it out, it will be better.  In the meantime, we just have to go through a whole bunch of firsts.  I really can't wait till we get to the seconds.