trying to face reality

     Today was tough for me.  I have spent most of the day trying hard not to cry.  And am angry ?  Frustrated? annoyed? with myself.
     The therapists today at the "care meeting" (where we have a meeting with all involved with Jarrad at the facility) said that he is doing really great.  That he is meeting their goals and they hope to get him into a high backed wheel chair before he leaves to go wherever.  That is great news but I can't get over the fact that MY HUSBAND can't feel me touch him.
     Today, I placed my hand on his stomach.  I have done it before.  I have given him his sponge baths before and touched him and I liked touching him; feeling like I was doing something useful.  But he can't feel it and it is crushing me.  This is so not fair.  I am trying so hard to have faith and to understand.  Trying so hard to believe that there is a reason for this.  I truly feel that God is giving us a glimpse of why this happened because of so many things that others have said but today, today is hard. 
     I used to watch as my mom would rub my dad's back.  She would slip her hand under his t-shirt and just rub it as they watched the news.  It was so intimate and so normal and so weird in my world.  I mean, why?  And GROSS!  And then I met Jarrad and finally understood.  She did it because she enjoyed the contact as much as he did.  To touch and be touched is essential to humanity's health.  That non- sexual but intimate touch that just is important.  I read once that to maintain a healthy emotional and mental balance, one must experience 10 meaningful touches a day. 
     And my husband can't feel my touch.  I can touch his arms, his shoulders, his head, his face but rolling over in the middle of the night to wrap my arm around him, no.  We used to "hold feet"; especially  is a monkey was in the bed due to a bad dream.  Or we would do it after a fight when we really wanted to say we were sorry and that everything was ok  - It Is All Gone.
     My whole world is turned upside down and the stupid simplicity of being able to touch my husband anywhere on his body and know that we both draw comfort such touch has left me with an immense sense of loss.