Dreading May

      A month ago, Emma asked what we were going to do for Sam's birthday.
     "I don't know, honey."
     "But Mommy, it is this week!"
     She had gotten March confused with May.
     May.
     Can we just delete that month this year?  Or at least skip the middle?  I am dreading May.
   

forget me nots

     A good friend called a few weeks back.  She is the type of friend everyone needs because no matter how busy she gets (and she is busy) she always sends cards for birthdays or just because she was thinking of you.  She is the kind of person that makes you want to be a better person.  Anyway, she called just because she was thinking of me and knowing that as the days count down, I might be thinking more and more about May.
    May - Mother's day, my little boy's birthday.  Flowers, spring.  May never was a bad month.  But now, now I associate it with trips to the hospital, with a tightness in my chest.  With pain that I can't fix.
    I pray that it is just this year.  Just this first May.
    As good as we are doing now, we still have issues.  The van, Jarrad's HO, the weather.  His working from home.  His endurance.
    Jarrad feels it too.  He says, well, I guess that is his story.  But he feels . . . bad.  We are tense.  Snappish.  We both feel resentful - me, sometimes of all that I need to do and he feels it because I can drive.  He told me feels feels jealous because I can leave on a Saturday and forget for a few hours.  I laughed.  Harshly, brittle.  Oh Honey, I never forget; not for a minute.