fear

   This morning I got up with the purpose of cleaning my bedroom and taking pictures so that I could post an "organizing our paralyzed life" entry.  Then I had to leave for Sam's pictures - 4 years!  We went to the complex (?) Jarrad works at - one of those office/Target/Mall/Movie/everything else places.  After pictures, we met him for lunch.
    He had not had a good morning.
    Sometimes, fear gets in the way of living.  Earlier this week he had some stupid crap dumped on him that shouldn't even have been shared (in addition to the whole 1 year thing) and it is effecting our whole week.  Guys aren't supposed to have fears or express anxiety.  But we know that they do and I know my guy.  We talked and if it hadn't been for the stupid crap, his morning would have been ok - but you know the saying about the straw and a camel. 
    I am going to talk about my fears which sometimes mirror his so I guess they are our fears but I am going to speak about my emotions; my fears.  Sometimes, my fear grows because of little things and the way I "hear" things.  For example, Jarrad was talking to someone and they were talking about the "culture training" at work and how there might be a large turnover.  Keep in mind that the original company was bought about 3 years ago and it is quite large so I hear turnover and think "lay offs".  It sends my heart racing.  Apparently, though, I am the only one who thinks that.  Most folks think  "look for a new job because we don't like the changes".  And really, who is going to fire the paraplegic?  Not happening.  It takes FOREVER to fire incompetent people so I don't have to worry about Jarrad being fired for that reason (he is very competent) and again, really, who is going to "lay off" the paraplegic? 
    But I have my fears.  Irrational, selfish and realistic fears. 
    Selfish because I sometimes feel trapped; feel that we are both trapped.
    I fear for Jarrad.  I fear for him physically, mentally, emotionally.
    I fear going back to the hospital.  I fear every doctor's visit.  I fear when I leave him that something is going to happen.  I fear that there will be a fire or some crazy will detonate a bomb and he will not be able to get out.  Somewhat crazy, I know.  And you want to know something else dumb?  A friend's husband has started working security at the complex so I am not as scared of a fire at work anymore - it is crazy because it is a big complex and his first thought is going to be Jarrad, right?  But it just makes me feel better.  Dumb. So now I fear that there will be a fire in our house and he won't get out!  See, I make a whole lot of sense! 
    I have financial fears.  I joke that we are going to die in debt but that is not what I want.  I worry about college for the kids when really, they will probably get a whole bunch of grants and scholarships.   
    I have fears about old age and how I am going to take care of him when I am 80.  I fear that he is going to have to go to a home and I can't go with him.
    I fear he is going to die and leave me.
    I don't think that I will "get over" my fears.  You never "get over" something.  You learn to live with it.  So the fears live in a corner of my mind and when they trot out, I send them back.  It might take a while but they go back. And if they become reality, I will deal with them. 
    I have found though, that the fear that SOMETHING will happen when I am not with Jarrad is getting smaller. As he gets stronger, the fear gets smaller. Maybe there is hope - they will always be there but be less.  It helps me to breathe a bit easier.