How not to add stress

     The LA Times had an article not too long ago and someone posted it on facebook.  I loved it.  It is a great principle to follow but I would change/add some things.  1.  The significant  other gets their own ring in the circle.  Then parents, siblings, and adult children (minors get to stay in the inner circle). 
    2.  This needs to be in place for a year (or 2) after the trauma occurs. We as a society do not allow enough time for grief.  I think we need to go back to the Victorian style of grieving - as in 1 year and wearing black (is so desired).  I am so not kidding about this either. 
   Now, before you think I am being insensitive to siblings and parents of adults, let me clarify.  I am in no way saying that the anguish of parents is less than that of a spouse.  It is different.  It is different because as adult children, we have our own household and we have our own stresses that no one else can understand.  
    Not long after THE FALL, I had a friend tell me she was going to do something for me.  Sidenote:  If someone has had a trauma and you are close to the dot in the center of this plan and you want to help - don't offer, just do.  Tell that person that you are going to pick up the kids at 3 and go to the park and then feed them dinner.  That is most helpful.  Being asked what folks could do to help and having to think about what I needed was hard as I was having a hard time thinking at all.  I have been told that this is crisis mode.  That is when you look at what you have to do in the next minute - not the next day or next week.
    Anyway, this friend did something and when I demurred, she looked at me with tears in her eyes and said,
"This just doesn't affect you and Jarrad.  We are your friends and it affects us too so let us help where we can."
    Let me point our some aspects of this statement:  1.  She acknowledged our grief.  2.  She points out her own sadness at this event WITHOUT adding to our stress and making me feel guilty about adding stress to her life.  3. She helped to make my life easier.
    I guess the point of this is, you can feel sad for your friends.  You can grieve for the nuclear family's pain.  It may affect you intimately as you are a part of the EXTENDED family but unless you live in the same house DO NOT PRESUME to add to my stress by indicating in any manner that Jarrad and my trauma is causing trauma of your own.
    I will not allow it.

 To read the article - see link below. 

http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/commentary/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407,0,2074046.story